We’re back! We were away on an epic journey to New Brunswick and PEI – along, it would seem, with most of Ottawa. We didn’t actually run into anyone we knew while on the trip, which is kind of a shock considering our neighbours, and the people one street over, and the folks I randomly ran into on the street last week, as well as a full third of Little Miss Sunshine’s kindergarten class, were going to PEI at some point or another this summer. We rented a cottage there and it had a guest book and like half of the people who signed it were from Ottawa. I guess we hear the call of the island strongly in these here parts.

Anyway! More on our trip later (short version: AWESOME). Mostly I just wanted to check in, say hi, and let you all know I’m miles behind on my blog reading so if any of you got married, or had a baby, or (say) won the Little League World Series in my absence, please comment below accordingly.

In the meantime, two small notes. First, as I don’t think I can sneak in a full Dance Show post before it airs tonight, let me just say that I was disappointed in last week’s show, and it’s not because of the dancing (which was great) or the All Star-led choreography (also, for the most part, good) or the choice of elimination (which I agreed with). My problem was with the “who inspires you” bits they played for each dancer – specifically, Tucker.

Tucker was inspired by his Dad, and it was very heartfelt and moving. But was I the only one listening between the lines here? He cited his father as his inspiration because even though his dad was a big and brawny football guy, he found it in his heart to support his son’s love of dance. I just got the strong feeling while watching this bit that it was about more than his son just choosing a different sport – it was about Tucker’s sexuality. Now, maybe Tucker himself did not want to talk about that, or maybe I’m assuming too much, or maybe it was a privacy issue. But given Nigel’s past borderline homophobic comments, I felt like maybe they had asked Tucker to couch his interview in euphemisms. Was I being oversensitive? Or was this show, which only a few weeks ago was using the (awful) Bullying Dance to pat itself on the back about being in touch with the issues, and a platform for important statements, now backing away from the word gay? NOT COOL, DANCE SHOW.

On a lighter note, we spent all day today at the mall getting back-to-school stuff – this after a 12 hour drive yesterday, WE ARE STUPID – and I am already regretting letting my youngest pick this out:

Now I’m going to have neon pink pissed-off birds searing my eyeballs at 6:30 a.m. every morning for a year.

Come to think of it…I can be a little angry myself at 6:30. Kindred spirits!

We’ve had a rash of appliance failures around here. First, the handle broke off of our front-loading washing machine. It’s the second time this has happened, so we know from experience that a) the handle is STUPIDLY expensive, b) we have to drive across to the absolutely farthest other side of the city to get one, and c) it’s only likely to last for a year or two, anyway. So for now I am living with prying it open with my fingernails/a screwdriver/handy nearby shoes as required. It’s not exactly Caroline Ingalls, but I like to think I’m roughing it.

Meanwhile, our microwave has been acting creepy. It’s an over-the-stove microwave/hood fan and it’s only two years old, so we’re all bitter. Our old microwave had quit and we were desperate for a new one, so I went to the appliance store and bought the first thing I saw without any research or checking, and thus, paying the price now (PIECE OF CRAP SAMSUNG).

It’s kind of a funny story, actually – it first started acting up last fall when it was just over a year old – we got an “SE” error on the keypad, which means sensor error. So I did a ton of research and found out that a) this Samsung model is a PIECE OF CRAP, b) repairing it was going to mean a $200 part, and us having to take the thing off the wall to replace it ourselves, or c) repairing it was going to cost many more hundreds of dollars to have someone come by and fix it for us.

Then, on some far away message board I found a post by a guy who had fixed it with a hair dryer, so we tried his method, which included throwing the breaker, heating up the control pad with the hair dryer until it was burning hot to the touch, letting it cool, throwing the breaker again. And OH MY GOD, that actually worked, which is a) awesome, but b) totally alarming that modern complex appliances can be repaired with either a $200 part or a HAIR DRYER, your choice.

So the microwave was fine for a while, and then a few weeks ago, “SE” again. This time, we didn’t want to rush out to get a new one because it is a HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE pain to get that thing off the wall – last time we replaced it I literally stood supporting a 100 pound microwave on my shoulders for hours while Sir Monkeypants attempted to anchor it to the wall, not to mention we had to take down some cabinets and re-install them, and replace ducting, and UGH NIGHTMARE. So instead, I bought a cheapy countertop $70 model and we were using it happily for three weeks when one day, the over-the-stove microwave suddenly beeped, and “SE” disappeared, and it prompted us to enter the time, all like, “What? Everyone needs a vacay sometimes, am I right?”

And since then, it’s working. GAH.

Man, I cannot believe I just wrote 500 words on the topic of my crappy microwave, and haven’t even yet reached the point of this post, which is to talk about our new TV. Hi, Mom, only person still reading!

So, the TV! A month ago we noticed that when it faded to black before a commercial, it was not so much black as black-with-a-big-blue-firework in the middle. And this firework slowly got brighter and brighter, and bigger and bigger, until watching TV was becoming very odd and science-fictiony all the time as people wandered in and out of the blue-skin-zone. Online research revealed it was irreparable so we started looking around for a new one. On the weekend we scored a major deal on an LG model that had way more features than we would have otherwise looked for – it’s an LED model, smart TV with 3D mode.

Then we got it home and WHOA…weird. It’s just SO sharp, it is freaking us out. Our old TV, according to FameThrowa and Mr. Chatty who were with us, was never a very good one, and for years had been dull and dim and blurry. This new one is…freaky. The people are just SO real, it is like they are in our living room – more like watching live theatre than television. And that seems like it would be a good thing, but it’s actually distracting – like, I am so bothered by the idea that Loki actually IS standing in my living room that I can’t sit back and enjoy The Avengers.

Every detail on the screen is so sharp that you can also see every little set and costume detail. Some things like, say, Thor’s hammer, that would otherwise seem cool, suddenly look like a WalMart toy, because I can almost see the brushstrokes where they painted it. Even with the 3D effects turned off, people seem to float in front of obviously-fake backgrounds and my brain cannot process it. Sir Monkeypants compared it to soap-opera style filming, and I think FameThrowa absolutely hit the nail on the head when she said it looks like 80s era Doctor Who programs. Sort of hyper-real and super bright and obviously fake at the same time. We have messed with the settings, reducing the contrast and brightness and it has helped, but there are still odd moments where you realize, uncomfortably, that you are watching fakeness and it takes you right out of the program.

Is this something we are going to get used to? Have we come to the uncanny valley, and is it time to embrace it? Will my brain ever catch up?

Or is it some weirdness with this model or style of TV? We are wondering. At the very least, I can say that Dance Show has never looked so good – I checked out some older episodes that had been too dark for me to see much detail, and now, while still dim, they are crystal clear and I can see it all. So we’re keeping the TV, I think, for now, and hoping our eyes can learn to adapt.

In the meantime – that’s three appliances on the fritz, so I’d say that’s it for this summer. Right?

Now that Dance Show has gone to the all-in-one format – dancing and elimination in one show – I’m having a nomenclature problem. Is the show that was on this week, featuring the top 12 dancers, but eliminating two of them so now we’re at the top 10, the top 12 show, or the top 10 show? This is clearly an issue for North America’s top minds to ponder. Quick, call the think tanks!

Anyway, this week’s show was great, but since this is my first Dance Show chat of the season, I’d like to open with some general discussion topics. Please turn to page 1 of your agendas.

Guest Judges. Although I was excited to see Anna Kendrick (totally Twitter crushing on her right now) and Carly Rae Jepsen (go Canada!) as judges, and they took their roles as seriously as possible, they just did not seem like they belonged there. Other judges, like that random sports host chick – Erin Andrews, I think? – were ugh, a total fail. Even this week’s visit by Kenny Ortega felt like a visit from your lecturing grandpa (“Chita Rivera would be so proud of you!” – gah). I’d much, much rather see a return to the days of old where the choreographers were given a seat at the table on a rotating basis. Also: I miss Lil C. Sigh.

Lighting. Is it just me, or is there a lighting problem this season? Granted, our TV is very near death, which may have something to do with it, but there have been several dances that were lit so darkly that I could barely see the dancers and their movements. Not good at all, dance show. I finally feel like the cameramen are getting the hang of things – now it’s time to brighten things up. We can’t vote for dancers we cannot see, Nigel.

Choreographers, Old and New. I hate to say this, but I am tiring of Sonya. Once she was a refreshing change from so-many-love-numbers; now I find her constant repetition of the same themes and styles (power and aggression, combined with leather bodysuits) to be dull. I just feel like they are using her too often, and she doesn’t have enough different tricks in her bag to keep it interesting. On the other hand, Napoleon and Tabitha are impressing me with their range – they’ve shown me cute, sexy, sad, funny, happy, and romantic, all with a wide range of settings, costumes, and themes. Nice. In other news, loved the return of Choreographer Mandy Moore this week (she may just be my all-time favourite on this show), cannot get enough of Spencer Liff, Chris Scott is as adorable as ever, The Cheesman and Jean-Luc are representing Canada with pride, and how is it that Leonardo and Miriam can turn in amazing tango after amazing tango without repeating themselves? Love them all. And further: let us all agree to retire Bollywood as a style, as no one is nailing it EVER, and it just looks really, really bad all the time. Even Disco has faired better overall on this show. GAH.

On to the dancers – let’s talk rankings!

Paul – I’m putting him at the top because he is getting the screaming-teenage-girl vote (much to my surprise – I thought Nico had that all locked up). Could he win it all? I thought not – until he turned in two really great performances, this week and last. Despite my issues with the lighting, I still loved the Mandy Moore number he did with Makenzie this week – lovely and so delicate. The potential is there.

Hayley – Hayley is, surprisingly, the only girl who has never been in the bottom three. She’s really growing on me – I loved her this week with Nico, and their Sean Cheesman number was my favourite in a week full of really good numbers. I think she’s got a spark that could turn into something fabulous with the right all-star pairings.

Fik-shun – He’s cute. He’s adorable. He’s a sweetie pie. He’s also managed a few nice, dramatic moments, but he’ll have to put a few more of those together if he wants to win this thing. We haven’t even seen him solo yet, which should do a lot to push him into the top 4, so if he develops stronger partner skills, he’s golden.

Aaron – Winning the “big teddy bear” vote, as held by Will last year, I actually like Aaron a lot. He’s not a bad dancer, but what he really has in spades is personality – he can sell just about any style with his facial expressions alone. He’s really been helped by his spectacular matchup with Jasmine – we’ll see how he fairs with new partners.

Amy – Also cute. Also adorable. She’s on the edge of grating for me – it’s just that her super-wide smile needs just a pinch more variation to avoid becoming a caricature. I think she’s got the dancing chops – now she just needs to find some emotional depth. I’m really looking forward to seeing her dance with someone other than Fik-shun, as the two of them together seem incapable of anything but extreme cuteness no matter what they do.

Jasmine – Jasmine actually deserves to be higher on this list, in my opinion, but I feel like America is still waiting for her to have a really big moment. She’s the kind of dancer that starts out at such a high level, and does such consistently great work every week, that she is in danger of not having a “story arc” in which she learns and grows. Oh my lands, you don’t think Nigel is going to bring in Cyrus as an all-star so they can dance together, do you? Would he be so evil? I’m afraid to say it…but yes. EEP.

Makenzie – Again, deserves to be higher – no idea why the voters love Paul so much and seem to dislike her so much. Actually, I have a theory – my theory is that the odd spelling of her name means that texted votes for her are not being counted, because people who want to vote for her just can’t spell. In any case, based on past voting I’d say she is unlikely to make the top 4, unless she really blows everyone out of the water next week.

Nico – Nico, I think, has a lot of great stuff in there that we have not seen yet. I always felt that he and Alexis were missing some vital element of chemistry – they were both good, but just did not seem to click. This week with Hayley was huge for me – he seemed to come out of nowhere with emotion and power and skill, and even in the group numbers I felt he really stood out. Can he keep it going, and maybe pass Aaron for a spot in the top 6? Perhaps, if he gets a really great partner for next week.

Jenna – One of my early favourites, I think Jenna is a great dancer but probably the weakest girl left. She can handle the non-ballroom styles, but just doesn’t seem to shine when she’s going through the motions; in ballroom styles, she dazzles but often overpowers or overshines her partner. Most likely to go home, although I will miss her.

Tucker – Again, one of my early favourites, but I feel like he never really stepped up to the plate, and it certainly doesn’t help that he didn’t perform this week. I think he and Nico are similar in look and style, and it’s Nico who is starting to come out of his shell. Sadly, I predict the end of the road for Tucker next week. In fact, question: no one can vote for Tucker this week, which means zero votes, and aren’t they going to pure audience-vote next week, instead of judges choice? So doesn’t that mean he’s for sure out?

Better call the think tank back and add another item. See you next week!

I haven’t blogged in so very long, it seems, and it isn’t for lack of love or interest or topics. Rather, my brain has gone to a lovely, shimmery, foggy land called Summertime. Every day we get up and toddle about in our PJs and lazily read magazines in the sunshine and wonder what lovely thing we should do today. I sometimes get it together to do a day trip or take the kids to the park, but mostly there’s a lot of surfing and reading and biking and video gaming and saying “yes” every time the kids ask for ice cream.

Ah, summer. Bliss.

So! I find myself in the situation where I’m so far behind on talking about everything that there’s no way I’ll ever catch up, and to tell the truth, even focusing long enough to put a single coherent sentence together is very, very hard, when I can HEAR the ice cream calling me from the kitchen. Instead, I think I’ll just toss out some quick updates and then drift slowly, barefoot, back to the patio with my reading. (The Emperor of Paris, if you want to know, alternating with this week’s copy of Entertainment Weekly.)

Summer of Awesome update: We are seeing a lot and doing a lot and going a lot of places. But I have, somewhere in the back of my brain, a weepy post about how the kids are aging and our summers are changing accordingly. With the Captain being 10 years old now, he’s just not as interested in things like parks and museums and simple trips to the beach. He wants to go to superhero movies and play video games and swim in the pool all by himself, now that he can pass the swim test. It’s been tough finding activities we call can enjoy and there’s a lot of, “You will suck this up for your sisters and there will be ice cream in it later for you.” He’s not too whiny about it, but I can see that the next few years are going to be tough, with the Little Miss still wanting to explore the city and him being too young to leave at home. Next year may be the Summer of Day Camp for us.

Dance Show update: Oh, so much to say here. Unfortunately we are going to be without internet access for most of August, due to events that I will talk about later on, which means my weekly Dance Show dissections that usually start at the top 10 mark will be intermittent, if not altogether absent. What say you readers – want some occasional and incomplete rants, or skip this season altogether?

Other TV updates: It seems I have become totally addicted to reality TV this summer, as in addition to Dance Show, I could write reams and reams about MasterChef and The Amazing Race Canada. Short versions – MasterChef makes me hungry and wish I were a better cook; also I just realized in writing this sentence that there’s no finalist in particular that I actually like or would want to buy the cookbook of. Hm. As for The Amazing Race Canada, I am totally on team Brett and Holly (I stand alone in Canada, I’m sure), and have written in my head a 1000-word manifesto defending them, which I may post someday. Also, Jet and Dave should have their own show, because I absolutely cannot hear the words “we grab a nug all the time” without snickering. Did you know that Jet’s full name is “Jet Black”? Crazy obnoxious and yet, SO FABULOUS. Would watch them eat cereal.

Travel updates: We hit up African Lion Safari and the Toronto Zoo last week. Let me know if you need any tips on that. We also went to my friend Lee Ann’s cottage and I did not get eaten by a bear, nor did any of the children drown in the lake, and I invented a new kind of dessert which is like a sandwich made of two brownies with a toasted marshmallow in between, so all in all, success.

Fashion updates: The Little Miss has a new sparkly purple cowboy had with a rainbow tiara attached that is the very definition of her. Gal Smiley has a new denim hat that is kind of like a fedora – it’s like a Perry the Platypus hat, but made of denim – that makes her look like the coolest secret agent in the world. Conclusion: I need a new hat.

And now, I’m off to eat ice cream, and read, and not wear shoes, and embrace the glittery mental fog of summertime.

There’s a new post on the next Blog Out Loud event posted over on the BOLO blog. See you over there!

Three brightly coloured Crayola flosser sticks;

Brand new and already beloved Hello Kitty slippers;

Bright pink water shoes, pretending to be ballet shoes until they someday get wet and slimy;

Assortment of metal bracelets that make a satisfying rattling noise when placed all on one arm;

Playmobil kangaroo family (“Kanga” and “Roo”);

Playmobil koala family (unnamed);

Handful of Lego people, all girls, with various hair pieces for each, one on a surfboard;

Magic wand, Harry Potter style;

Three Lalaloopsy dolls, all dressed in tutus, various accessories scattered about;

One stuffed bunny;

One stuffed giraffe;

One stuffed puppy;

Two stuffed cats, one Mommy, one Baby;

Calico Critters bunny set, a birthday gift, with tiny baby bunny toys and bibs and spoons and books scattered about;

One Care Bear, Harmony, with robotic “exercising” action and the ability to sing “Let’s Get Physical” in manner that will surely drive Olivia Newton John to an early grave;

One Ninja Turtle, Donatello;

One weak-necked brown bear, with sweet smirk, well-loved.

Plastic glow-in-the-dark sword, with sheath;

Bow and suction-cup arrows, with quiver;

Spear, created from snapped piece of dowel with pointy, unsanded end;

Star Wars gun with blaster sound effects;

Jolly Roger mini flag;

Two digital cameras;

One old flip-phone, no power or package, but still gets more talk time than my own;

Phineas and Ferb spy kit;

Phineas and Ferb cut-outs that go with a wind-up skateboard toy;

Kid-sized rolling suitcase, recently acquired from a garage sale, anxiously awaiting a sleepover invitation;

Panda slippers;

Snow globe;

Several Archie comic books;

Chewbacca bobble head;

Two pairs 3D glasses;

Playmobil travel skateboard park, with skateboarder and roller blader (either one may be the favourite at any given time);

One very, very worn out sheep, once yellow, now grey, well-loved.

One bouncy ball, coloured to look like the Earth;

One foam, fist-sized basketball, suitable for batting about with a mini hockey stick or tossing at the wall, Great Escape style;

Two light sabers, one Jedi, one Dark Side;

Alligator pen;

A variety of Lego men, arranged in various vignettes, such as the Lego restaurant area, or the Lego ninja battle area, or the Lego pie-in-the-face clowns and mimes area;

Various unattached Lego heads and other body parts;

One book: Lego Character Encyclopedia;

New iPod, later to be reported missing in a panic, then found by Mom, AGAIN, with no judgement, just some pointed sighs;

Half a Beyblade;

A couple ammunition pods for a Nerf gun;

Single turquoise coloured marble;

One blue stuffed monkey, with rattle, well-loved.

If, like me, you are not at all down with the bugs, you may want to skip this post. Wish I could, SHIVER.

We have a bug problem. For the past few years, we’ve had on ongoing infestation of sugar ants. Each spring I’d spray, maybe spray again, put out a few traps, and it seemed to hold them at bay. Them on the outside, us on the inside.

This year, however, they showed up in a few new places in the house, one of which was the kitchen counter (EW EW EW), so we called in an exterminator, and he did some baiting and poisoning, and he sprayed the outside of the house to create a Do Not Enter boundary, and we felt good about the whole thing.

But now…OH. MY. GOD. We’re in the middle of an insect war and even though we haven’t taken sides, I think we are losing. GAH.

Last week, I found a path of ants walking up and down the side of the house – like, hundreds of ants, parading right up to the roofline and back on the brick outside. Why? Turns out we have a wasp nest somewhere in the rafters of the garage, and the ants were going in, storming the nest, grabbing baby wasps, dragging them out and back down the side of the house, and eating them alive.

BARF. ME.

So I got out like, a thousand of those poisonous disk things that the ants are supposed to find, love, and take back to the nest so the Queen can DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE, and they swarmed them happily. Afterwards I was thinking, hm, maybe I should have let the ants take out all the wasp babies first? But whatever, right?

The disks caused a) the death of hundreds of ants, their bodies lying around in small piles like a monument to the Evil That Men Do, but b) the appearance of thousands, and I mean THOUSANDS, more. The sides of our driveway are like living creatures. Thousands and thousands of ants writhing up and down like a cohesive, sentient being. Brown strips the size of my leg, squirming all over each other, and OH MY GOD, VOMIT.

So we’re living with THAT, and then, yesterday, the ants reappeared in the kitchen, so I put out another poisonous disk.

This morning? We wake up to a few hundred dead ants being eaten by – oh, what’s that now? HUNDREDS OF BABY WASPS.

Somehow, the wasps found their way into the house, found the pile of dead and dying ants, thought to themselves SWEET REVENGE, and got to it.

I may have thrown up a bit in my mouth while typing that.

I took on the ant cleanup, while Sir Monkeypants spent an hour poised over the wasp entrance hole with a screwdriver taking them down one at a time as they attempted to join the party. GAAAAAAHHHHHH.

We have searched and searched for the exact location of the wasp nest and the ant nests, and no dice.

So, somewhere in or around the house we have a) wasps with free access, b) ants with free access, c) bugs that want to eat each other and vice versa, and d) OH MY GOD WE ARE SO MOVING.

Know that phrase, “Don’t let the bedbugs bite?” YEAH. Tooooootally getting great sleep tonight, don’t you think?