Heebie Jeebies

If, like me, you are not at all down with the bugs, you may want to skip this post. Wish I could, SHIVER.

We have a bug problem. For the past few years, we’ve had on ongoing infestation of sugar ants. Each spring I’d spray, maybe spray again, put out a few traps, and it seemed to hold them at bay. Them on the outside, us on the inside.

This year, however, they showed up in a few new places in the house, one of which was the kitchen counter (EW EW EW), so we called in an exterminator, and he did some baiting and poisoning, and he sprayed the outside of the house to create a Do Not Enter boundary, and we felt good about the whole thing.

But now…OH. MY. GOD. We’re in the middle of an insect war and even though we haven’t taken sides, I think we are losing. GAH.

Last week, I found a path of ants walking up and down the side of the house – like, hundreds of ants, parading right up to the roofline and back on the brick outside. Why? Turns out we have a wasp nest somewhere in the rafters of the garage, and the ants were going in, storming the nest, grabbing baby wasps, dragging them out and back down the side of the house, and eating them alive.


So I got out like, a thousand of those poisonous disk things that the ants are supposed to find, love, and take back to the nest so the Queen can DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE, and they swarmed them happily. Afterwards I was thinking, hm, maybe I should have let the ants take out all the wasp babies first? But whatever, right?

The disks caused a) the death of hundreds of ants, their bodies lying around in small piles like a monument to the Evil That Men Do, but b) the appearance of thousands, and I mean THOUSANDS, more. The sides of our driveway are like living creatures. Thousands and thousands of ants writhing up and down like a cohesive, sentient being. Brown strips the size of my leg, squirming all over each other, and OH MY GOD, VOMIT.

So we’re living with THAT, and then, yesterday, the ants reappeared in the kitchen, so I put out another poisonous disk.

This morning? We wake up to a few hundred dead ants being eaten by – oh, what’s that now? HUNDREDS OF BABY WASPS.

Somehow, the wasps found their way into the house, found the pile of dead and dying ants, thought to themselves SWEET REVENGE, and got to it.

I may have thrown up a bit in my mouth while typing that.

I took on the ant cleanup, while Sir Monkeypants spent an hour poised over the wasp entrance hole with a screwdriver taking them down one at a time as they attempted to join the party. GAAAAAAHHHHHH.

We have searched and searched for the exact location of the wasp nest and the ant nests, and no dice.

So, somewhere in or around the house we have a) wasps with free access, b) ants with free access, c) bugs that want to eat each other and vice versa, and d) OH MY GOD WE ARE SO MOVING.

Know that phrase, “Don’t let the bedbugs bite?” YEAH. Tooooootally getting great sleep tonight, don’t you think?

19 thoughts on “Heebie Jeebies

  1. MrsCarlSagan

    Good HEAVENS. As horrendous as this situation is, MrCarlSagan and I practically had tears running down our faces reading this…it made us laugh, it made us cry, it made us say “thank god it’s their house and not ours”. I hope it gets sorted out..that is NASTY, and I know your stance on bugs when they are outside of the house where they belong, so this is indeed nightmare-ish. Godspeed my friend.

  2. OMG Lynn! awful. really truly awful. and I feel really truly bad for you…..so why am I laughing so very hard….. I think you blogging “die motherfucker die” just made my day!

  3. I completely feel for you! The first summer we were in our new-to-us house (where we are now), I started to find dead wasp bodies in our basement. Our basement?!?! Turns out there was a nest inside the walls and though most wasps were smart enough to get “out”, a few stupid ones actually came “in”. And this right near our baby’s room too. We spent money that we didn’t really have to get an exterminator to come and kill (and remove) the nest while we were away for a weekend. Best money I ever spent. Truly – this is something best left to the professionals. ew…..

    1. We have a guy coming in tomorrow morning to take a look – we’re on day three now of waking up to several dozen baby wasps in the kitchen each morning. I am basically the walking dead over here – the horror has made my brain turn to mush. I really, really hope he has a solution – no matter the cost!

  4. Arrrrgh! That sounds categorically awful. We had carpenter ants once. You could actually hear them chewing under the bathroom window late at night . Hope you guys find a way to fix it. We moved :P.

    (Ok, so there were other reasons to move, and we did have an exterminator in long before that, but it was one more reason I wasn’t sad to say good bye to that house).

  5. Good grief. Actually it sounds like what my neighbour’s problem was, too. He has a south facing warm wall that faces our driveway (and north facing wall of our house) and on his wall, there are circular patterns of ants that swarm some invisible thing. We poured boiling water on them and the birds came to eat the little corpses (and didn’t die because we didn’t spray poison) but then they appeared on another wall, and eventually inside his house on walls.

    He too called an exterminator and he declared them ‘a pain’ but ‘not harmful’. As in, they won’t eat his house.

    Still, annoying…and your story is so funny, only it’s not funny at all! 😦

    Hope you find a solution soon. Good luck!

  6. ERHMAHGERRRRRDDDDD. Lynn. This is like a horror movie. I AM HORRIFIED. I think you need to just burn the house down and start over.

    1. YES PLEASE. GAH. A third mercernary party has entered the picture now – a spider has built a web right over the entrance hole to the wasp area and is now capturing baby wasps by the handful – thus driving them back inside and more into the kitchen. THANKS SPIDER. (And now I quietly die.)

  7. This is why I LOVE living in Canada. Imagine a place with no winter? Where the bugs never die off? Imagine how many you’d have then?

  8. Oh you poor thing. We’ve had some bug issues in the past and it’s the WORST. Hope your exterminator catches all the little wretches.

  9. Smothermother

    Gah!!! The horror!!!

    Can I say that I love that you said “motherfucker”?

    Hope you are bug free very soon!

  10. I’m late to the party, so you may have already burned down your house and moved. I’d probably be considering it.

    (If you do find the wasp’s nest, those Raid wasp & bee killer sprays that you can lob at them from 10 feet away work really well. But hopefully it’s resolved by now.)

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