Author: Lynn

Story teller. Web designer. Party planner. Pie maker.

The Original Jelly Belly

On By LynnIn TurtleHead6 Comments

This past year I’ve been trying to lose the extra weight brought on by three pregnancies, and I’m very happy to say that I’m only two pounds away from my target weight now. If I lose them by the end of April, I’ll have lost 30 pounds this year. I know, that’s cool, right?

I’m feeling good about the weight loss and the fact that I’m wearing clothes that haven’t seen the light of day in about ten years. I’ve come to terms with the other pregnancy side effects that I can’t fix, too, like the smaller chest and the lingering varicose veins and the weirdly coarser hair. I’m generally happy with the physical side of Lynn these days.

There’s one thing I’m still not over, though, and that’s the loss of my lovely, thin, smooth, shapely belly button. I admit it, I had belly button vanity in my youth. My tummy was never Britney-iffic, if you know what I mean, but it was at least free of stretch marks and relatively flat and there, in the centre of it all, was a lovely oval belly button, the ideal size and shape to be richly coveted by the Japanese.

I knew my belly button was taking a lot of damage during the pregnancies, but I thought that once I lost all the weight and got back to my usual size, it’d return to a relative facsimile of its former self.

Turns out, not so much. Even though I’m the same size that I was before, I’m nowhere near the same shape.

I’m thinner and I’m fitter and my pants fit again, but still…my tummy looks kind of like an empty grocery bag. With streaks on it. And a hideous, giant, stretched-out belly button as its new centrepiece.

I remember those golden, innocent days of youth when my friends and I all swore that we’d never have plastic surgery, that the very idea was repulsive, that we were all going to age gracefully and beautifully and embrace our bodies the way they were. SO easy to say when you’re 17 and unknowingly goddess-like.

I’m still not interested in nose jobs or boob jobs or liposuction, but damn if that tummy tuck isn’t starting to look good. Not that I will ever, ever get one — there is no way my mind could ever justify spending that kind of money on myself. Hell, I can’t even buy myself a pair of shoes unless they are at least 50% off.

(I am so very ready to be a senior citizen.)

Still, I saw Kate from Jon and Kate Plus Eight get one last season, and boy oh boy, the results were so amazing. They transformed her belly area from sack-of-raw-pizza-dough to babies?-what-babies?. Needless to say, her newly flat and smooth belly features a gorgeous, perfect belly button.

And also needless to say, I’m so jealous.

Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and go give all my bikinis to Goodwill.

Buckle Up

On By LynnIn TurtleHead8 Comments

The thing that really bugs me about this whole rain/snow/sun/hot/cold weather extravaganza we’re having is that we still have three car seats in our car.

That means three five-point harnesses to untangle, struggle to wrap around flailing kid limbs, snap together, and re-snap after complaining and crying. Every time we get in the car.

Add to that the seat belt adjustment step, to accomodate the day’s selection of coat and outdoor-pant combination, and it’s just too much. I know, it seems like one small extra step, but when you multiply it by three, and throw in belts that have been twisted beyond all movement over the winter months, and you have the strap that broke the Mommy’s back.

The law says we can’t move our kids into booster seats until they are 40 pounds, regardless of height or age. At this rate, we’ll still have three car seats when our kids are in their teens.

The Captain, at age 6, is still holding at 36 pounds, despite recent efforts to get him to eat french fries at every opportunity. He’s already too tall for a standard car seat, and now he’s pushing the height limit on the special extra-large-size five-point-harness seat we had to buy him last year (at a cost of approximately his entire university education). By next winter, there is no possible way we will be able to buckle him in with a coat and snowpants on, so it’s BOOSTER OR BUST for him come November.

The Gal, at age 4 1/2 — the age that the government suggests “most children” will have moved to a booster — is still the smallest in her class and only weighs 30 pounds. If she continues on her current growth curve, she might make 40 pounds just in time to hit the age 8 limit, when it’s no longer legally required to have your kid in a seat of any kind.

And Little Miss Sunshine, who we sometimes refer to our “bruiser” because she’s the biggest of our kids, weighs in at 22 pounds at age 21 months. If we were following the law to the letter (AND OF COURSE WE WERE, OFFICER), we’d only just now be turning her around to be forward facing. Which we totally just did YESTERDAY, OFFICER. We’re really hoping she’s into a booster by age 6 — fingers crossed!

Sigh. Yet another reason to hate the snow on the ground (grrrr) and the more snow we’ll be getting today and later this week (GRRRRR). What the hell happened to Spring?

In Denial

On By LynnIn TurtleHead5 Comments

I’ve washed the snow pants and put them away for the year.

I’ve reorganized the mud room to make room for raincoats and spring jackets.

I’ve made sure everyone has rubber boots that fit, rain pants with no holes in them, and new sneakers one size larger than last year.

So that weather forecast that is calling for “scattered flurries” overnight tonight, and “rain/snow mix” for Wednesday and Thursday, can SUCK IT.

Hard Eight

On By LynnIn TurtleHead5 Comments

We had a very rough night last night, as parents. All of our kids had trouble sleeping and every 45 minutes or so, we were trying to soothe the one with the teething issues, or trying to ease the hacking cough of the one with the cold, or trying to find something that would calm down the one with the night terrors. It seemed as soon as we got one of them to stop screaming, another one would start up. I can’t remember a night since the Little Miss was weaned with so much disruption, crying, and general horror.

Sir Monkeypants was even harder hit as he also has the cold, and he felt crappy before the night even started. Still, he was a total trooper and got up with me (and even before me) every time one of our kids called. I don’t know what I would have done without him, as he’s much better than I am at dealing with the night terror thing. And also the cold thing. And the teething thing, now that I think about it.

Some good friends of ours are getting a divorce and it’s really, really sad. Naturally being this close to the situation has both of us imagining what would happen if we were to split up, and I think it’s safe to say that we are totally horrified at the idea. We just both rely on each other so much, neither of us have any idea how we would ever survive as a single parent.

Like, if Sir Monkeypants didn’t live here any more, I’d never have made it through last night. I don’t know what I’d do to stop the night terrors. And within three days of his leaving, the internet would be totally busted and I’d have no idea how to fix all the little bleep-bloop-light machines. And who would dangle the kids upside down and chase them around the house and make them eat their vegetables? Who would shovel the snow and change the snow tires on the cars and hold the kids when they need to get a shot?

And if I were to move out, who would cut the kids’ nails? Who would work the washing machine? Who would make sure the sheets and towels got washed on occasion, and who would plan the meals? Who would clean the fish tank and label all our photos? Who would teach the kids to read and work on their handwriting and take them to gymnastics?

When one of us is exhausted, the other finds the energy to take the kids for their baths. When one of us is hungry or tired and getting too snappish with the kids, the other one gently takes over. When one of us is too angry, the other is there to mediate and step in.

It’s just overwhelming to imagine learning all the things you’d need to learn if your spouse was suddenly not around. It’s crazy to think of all the work involved in doing EVERYTHING, all by yourself. It’s madness to think of the emotional stress, all day, every day, with no break.

I swear I don’t know how single parents survive. They have to do it all, and hold down a JOB at the same time. That’s madness.

And it makes me extra sad for our friends.

Rock and Roll

On By LynnIn TurtleHead7 Comments

With the (slightly) warmer weather, we’ve been getting out and about a bit. Little Miss Sunshine is so excited when we go for a walk — she doesn’t remember last year’s summertime, and everything is new and fascinating and ready to be discovered. This is definitely one of the best things about having children — seeing everything as if for the first time. Everything seems wonderful and dazzling and magical.

Her big thing so far this spring is this unbelievably fabulous thing called ROCKS. Have you heard of them? They are SO COOL. Little pieces of hard stuff! Different sizes, different colours! You can hold them in your hand, or even put them IN YOUR POCKET!

AMAZING.

Little Miss is quite the talker so she says the word, “ROCK” very well. Whenever we’re outside now, even if its just to cross the street to meet the school bus, she’s overcome with the thrill of finding rock after rock. She picks them up and carries one in each hand and is so, so proud of herself for being able to hold a rock, and for being able to tell me what it is.

She’ll squeal when she sees one and yell, “ROCK!” She’ll pick one up and hold it out for me to admire, and say, “ROCK!” She’ll slip one in the pocket of her coat then check over and over to make sure that it’s there, and every time she’ll greet it with, “ROCK!”

It seriously freakin’ adorable.

Until we try to leave the rocks at the front door, that is!

Spring is going to rock.

Don’t Put Things In Your Mouth

On By LynnIn TurtleHead3 Comments

When I was a kid, my grandmother gave my sisters and me a bunch of old 78 records that she wasn’t using anymore. Most of them were big band-type music, but there were three or four that had kids’ music on them. We loved these and listened to them over and over again, even though the music is crazy weird and full of odd messages.

My sister FameThrowa’s favourite tune from these records was “Don’t Put Things In Your Mouth.” Little Miss Sunshine is teething again (and so very, very cranky, I might add), and so she is sticking anything and everything in her mouth. Every time she does it I hum this tune. It’s a classic!

Back Off, Han

On By LynnIn TurtleHead1 Comment

The other day Captain and Gal were playing Star Wars action figures. Gal likes to be Princess Leia, because she’s smaller than all the other figures and Gal thinks that means that she’s a little girl. Captain likes to be Luke because Luke is his favourite character (but don’t call either of them dreamy, or you will get a very stern look of disapproval).

Gal (talking as Leia): Hi! I’m just a little girl!

Captain: You should go get Han, because he and Leia are going to get married.

Gal (talking as Han): Hi! I just married this little girl!

Captain (talking as Luke): Dude! That’s MY SISTER.

Guess he has the protective sibling thing down. That guy kissing Gal Smiley on the bus better watch out!

EFI For Life

On By LynnIn TurtleHead5 Comments

Last night I attended a meeting for the heads of all the PTAs for all the schools in our district. Our School Board Rep has this meeting every couple of months so she can tell us what’s going on. The Chair of my PTA couldn’t make it, and asked if I would go instead (I am being GROOMED, people!).

I thought it would be very boring, but I was pleasantly surprised. There were squares! And cookies! And coffee!

That School Board really knows how to throw a meeting, I tell you.

Anyway, I learned all kinds of useful stuff and got all kinds of good PTA type ideas, and in general it was very interesting and useful.

The most interesting thing, for me, was a discussion of Early French Immersion, which is FI that starts in Senior Kindergarten. Apparently there is a 60% drop out rate for the program over its lifetime (i.e. between grades SK and 8, 60% of the original SK class will have dropped out of French Immersion). Scary!

The Board is trying to introduce new initiatives to keep kids who start FI in the FI program. Their biggest concern — as I’ve mentioned here before — is that as soon as a kid starts having trouble in school, the school recommends that they leave FI and move to the English stream. This is rarely a solution, as kids that leave FI in grades 2, 3, or 4 might be as much as two years behind their counterparts in English reading and math. So rather than improve their school performance, it might actually hinder it further.

The real problem is that there is no remedial help available in most schools for French students. So if a student is struggling, they have no resources and no tutors to help them out. They can only get this kind of help if they move to the English stream…or, if their parents are French speaking and can provide the help they need.

Eeep. Totally not what I needed to hear right now, when we are already feeling like our French skills will not be enough to see us all the way through to Grade 8. Chantal, I may be over at your house A LOT.

Anyway, it’s a very tough line for the schools to walk right now. The Board wants them to let parents know that when they choose FI, they will be STAYING in FI, no matter what. At the same time, they want to increase their FI numbers, so they want schools to assure parents that FI is suitable for any and all kids, no matter what their language background or current abilities. I think it’s really hard for a school to sell, sell, sell FI, and then tell any kids that chose FI who don’t like it that tough, they are stuck now.

My own school actually kind of tried to discourage parents from choosing FI. They did make it clear that switching streams later would be very hard and not good for your kid, so they wanted everyone who chose FI to be fully committed. They didn’t want any wafflers. I think that’s a good way to do it, but our Board rep would be quite unhappy if she heard that our school was warning parents away FI if they had any doubts at all. It doesn’t exactly fit with their “welcome all comers” policy.

Anyway, it was an interesting discussion, so thought I’d pass that info along.

Now, don’t get me started on all-day JK and SK in 2010…GACK.

Pass Me That Bottle Of Peroxide

On By LynnIn TurtleHead5 Comments

One time I saw this movie called The Green Mile. In it, Michael Clarke Duncan plays a simple kind of guy called John Coffey.

When he introduces himself in the movie, he always says, “John Coffey, like the drink, only with a ‘y’.”

And the whole movie long I was like, “Cough-y? What the heck kind of drink is that? Something you take when you are sick? I don’t get it.”

By the third time he’d introduced himself this way, I was quite miffed, like, “I do not know this cough-y. Is this some sort of crazy down south thing? Why did they make this supposedly simple-minded character refer to some obscure drink that no one has heard of? THAT IS STUPID.”

By the fifth time he’d used the phrase, I was totally fed up, like, “WHY DOESN’T HE JUST SAY JOHN COUGHY LIKE WHEN YOU ARE SICK AND HAVE TO COUGH? THERE IS NO DRINK CALLED COUGHY!”

Then, like three years later, I was having a coffee one morning and suddenly I GOT IT.

Sometimes I can be very, very stupid.

National Lampoon’s TurtleHead Vacation

On By LynnIn TurtleHead5 Comments

Sir Monkeypants and I spent almost the whole ride down and back to Southern Ontario last week talking about going to DisneyWorld next spring. We’ve been hoping to make the trip in 2010 for a couple of years now, and we’ve been saving up, but it’s still going to be outrageously expensive.

Aside from the expense, though, we have some other major concerns, mainly, “What the hell is Captain Jelly Belly going to eat?” So we’re been planning already.

I realize it seems ridiculous that we are making plans for a trip that is at least a full year away. I tried to fight it for a while on the basis of its ridiculousness, but I’ve caved in. I’ve accepted the fact that we are not the kind of people who can just throw the kids in the car and take off for a week and wing it (and really, it’s more me than Sir Monkeypants). Rather, I can’t relax and feel comfortable unless I know as much as possible ahead of time — exactly where we will shop for groceries, what the name is of the guy who will give us keys to our rented condo, the hours on the parks, directions to the pool…every little thing.

So I’m planning, dammit, leave me alone.

Sir Monkeypants and I have already been talking about the food situation quite a bit, and we know that we will not be able to stay on the park as we will need to have a place with a kitchen (bonus: it’s cheaper to stay offsite, too). In addition, we use quite a few speciality food items for the Captain that we feel we really can’t live without, and so we were talking about having to take a box or maybe a suitcase with us that was filled to the brim with Rice Dream and Sunbutter and the one kind of bread — locally made, of course — that we know is safe for him.

Add to that a couple of suitcases with clothes, three car seats, a stroller, a box or bag full of diaper change stuff, and one backpack each with toys and activities, and we were looking at a LOT of luggage.

So about a month ago, Sir Monkeypants turns me and says — and I can’t believe I am even going to type this — “Hey, why don’t we DRIVE to DisneyWorld instead?”

Like any rational person, I said, “NO FREAKING WAY.”

But the more we talk about the trip, the more we are actually considering doing this crazy crazy thing. Every time I totally talk myself out of it, Sir Monkeypants will say something casual like, “If we drove, we could maybe stop at a couple of places along the way,” and next thing you know, we are hunched over Google Maps plotting a route that will include Gettysburg and Sesame World, and WHAMMO, I am back to thinking that the drive might not be a half-bad idea.

Maybe I need to keep reminding myself that it’s only a HALF-GOOD idea, too.

The drive would be around 23 hours of actual in-the-car time. We’ve discussed several alternative schedules for the drive but I think it would take us at least three days no matter what time of day we leave or how much we manage to push it each day. So three days, together, in the car.

Three days of threatening to turn the car around if people DON’T STOP WHINING. We may never make it, after all.

If we drive — IF — we will have the advantage of having a cheaper trip (no car rental at the other end, and gas and hotel expenditures would be about half the cost of flights). We’d be able to bring all the food we want to bring, as well as plenty of activities for the kids — luggage just would not be an issue.

There’s also no danger of not being able to get a van rental at the other end (“You know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation”), and also no danger of our luggage being lost. We’ve heard horror stories about this happening, and I must say, the very idea that something could go so horribly NOT according to plan — a plan a WHOLE YEAR in the making, remember — gives me hives.

Plus, Sir Monkeypants likes to point out that this will also establish a precedent for us as a driving family, so maybe in future years we could drive out to PEI or Alberta and everyone would know what to expect.

Still, did I mention THREE DAYS? In the car? And it’s not even the drive down that I’m afraid of. It’s the drive home…SHUDDER.

I’m sure we will spend the next six months, at least, debating this issue. I intend to do some research and find out if we can buy certain food products we’ll need in Orlando, and we’re going to do a full cost comparison of flying versus driving.

So there’s still time. Anyone who wants to knock some sense into us…do it now!