We’ve been watching Jamie Oliver’s show about changing food in schools, which we recorded back in the summer. I think you’re supposed to come away from the show feeling resolved to question your own diet and to be shamed into improving it. But I’m having quite the opposite reaction – watching the show makes me feel smug and superior about how great my diet is.

Did you see the family in the first episode whose freezer was 100% packed to the brim with frozen pizzas? I’m not that mom! Ergo, I rock.

Lately I find I hear Jamie’s voice in my head all the time, commenting on my food choices. He’s like a tiny angel on my right shoulder, with a tiny camera crew in tow, watching my every move and nodding approvingly.

Scene One – The Grocery Store

Jamie, with camera crew: Hi there! We’re patrolling the store today looking for moms so we can point out what terrible shoppers they are. Can we peek in your cart?

Me: Knock yourself out.

Jamie: Well well well! Carrots, apples, and cucumber! You’re doing a great job!

Me (modestly): I know.

Jamie: And is that a spaghetti squash I see? Are your kids actually going to eat that?

Me: Anything is possible.

Jamie: What’s for dinner tonight?

Me: Chicken stir fry, with vegtables and rice. I don’t like to brag, but I make my own sauce.

Jamie: You are AMAZING. Now, is that a frozen pizza I see at the bottom of the pile? And a box of Captain Crunch?

Me: These are not the droids you’re looking for.

Jamie: Oh, no problems here, those are minor infractions. Overall, you make for bad TV but you are so inspiring, we will of course put you on the show. Bravo!

Scene Two – Making Dinner At Home

Jamie, with camera crew: Knock knock!

Me: Um, hello?

Jamie: We’ve randomly selected one house in Canada to visit and critique their food. And you’re the chosen one!

Me: Come on in.

Jamie: What’s for dinner tonight?

Me: Chicken fajitas.

Jamie: Wow, are your kids really going to eat all those vegetables?

Me: I’m going to say yes to that. One out of three ain’t bad, right?

Jamie: Not at all! I have absolutely nothing negative to say here. You are AMAZING.

Me (modestly): I know.

Jamie: Maybe you should be the one running school lunch programs! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(We laugh because it’s funny, and we laugh because it’s true.)

Scene Three – Watching TV After Dinner

The phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Jamie: It’s Jamie Oliver! We’re randomly calling families to slam their eating habits!

Me: Bring it on.

Jamie: What are you doing right now?

Me: Watching your show on the PVR.

Jamie: I’m sure the viewing audience of my show will believe that is a total coincidence!

Me: I’m sure they will.

Jamie: What are you eating right now?

Me: Well, I cleverly brushed my teeth and flossed immediately after dinner. So although I feel snacky, if I eat anything I’ll have to brush and floss again and I hate that. So I’m actually just having a glass of water, because although I would like to eat I’m too lazy to re-floss.

Jamie: AMAZING.

Me: Laziness trumps snackiness. It’s a life motto.

Jamie: You are simply brill. Give this woman her own show! The camera crew will be right over.

Me: Um…Just let me tidy up a bit first.

I’m currently working on a little project – a gift to myself – in which I am taking many of my old posts and having them bound into a book. It’s a pretty big undertaking but I’ve kind of had blog ennui lately and I’m hoping that this will make me feel as though my blog has more permanence, and is a more tangible accomplishment.

I wasn’t really going to write about it here, but some bloggy weirdness happened yesterday. Step one of the process is to go through all my posts – and there are almost seven years worth – and pick out the good ones. As I was reading through them all, I found a typo in a very old post, from Thanksgiving 2007. So I edited the post and fixed the typo, because I am anal that way, and for some reason, the post got fed out to Google Reader as if it were a new post.

So thank you to those who commented, but just wanted to say that I am not, in fact, at my mom’s house right now, enjoying pie and Thanksgiving turkey.

Although…pie. Mmmm. Road trip!

So here we are. Age 40. Today’s the day.

My older sister called and asked the required question, “Feel any different?” I had to say no. Today is, so far at least, just like any other day. Get up, get three little bodies dressed, make lunches. Sort, wash, and fold six loads of laundry (laundry day waits for nothing). Do some dishes, make soup for dinner, take Little Miss Sunshine to the library.

So I’m not feeling very reflective at the moment. I feel as though I should say something of lasting importance as I stand at the top of the mountain, preparing to roll down the other side, but yeah. Because it’s there, that’s why.

Lest you feel all sorry for me on my everyday-birthday, let me remind you that this the Month Of Turning 40, and I’ve already been through multiple celebrations, with more to come. Tomorrow I’ll be at World Trivia Night with Julie, Allison, and Mary Lynn (squee!!), along with commonly mentioned Turtlehead peeps LuckySevens and MyFriendJen, and it’s going to ROCK. If you’ll be there too, come and say hi to us and get some candy – we are table 304.

I also had a big birthday party of my very own last Saturday. After hemming and hawing for ages, I committed to the Pie Party.

Oh yes, THERE WAS PIE.

I made six pies for the party: Lemon Puff, Molasses Lemon, Apple, Peach, Chocolate Mocha, and Maids of Honour, which are little jam and cake filled tarts.

I was going to Twitter through the pie making process but I was too angry. If I had had a chance to get to the computer, I’m sure I would have written something like this: “Number of pies so far: 3; Number of times I have said Fuck: 1354.”

And so on, with escalating numbers the whole way. It wasn’t pretty. The kids had a PD day on Friday so they were there the whole time. I figure after that they’re probably ready to see a Bruce Willis movie. The language will actually be tamer.

Anyway! The party was awesome, many people brought pie so we had a total of 10 pies, and that was goooooood. I intended to take a thousand pictures of the party, but I was too busy talking to people. It’s so weird when you’re at a party and you know absolutely everyone. Every time I turned around, there was someone else fabulous to talk to! It was SUCH a good time.

You’ll just have to be content with these few pics I snapped of the pies themselves before the party started.

I sent as much pie home with the guests as I could in these take-out boxes I got at the Bulk Barn, but Sir Monkeypants and I still had the equivalent of more than two pies left over. The next morning I could not even LOOK at food, let alone pie. I thought I was cured of the pie thing forever, but by Tuesday I did manage to choke down one piece.

Right back in the saddle, that’s how we do it around here. Bring on 41!

Man, I just cannot get enough of other people’s gift guides. I am constantly searching for new ideas, especially for kids. Between my own brood and my nieces and nephews, I need to cover just about every age range. So if you have ideas, let’s hear them!

I’ve been wanting to make my own gift guide post, but November is just kicking my butt. I have never been so busy. It’s clear I am just not going to have time to make a beautiful post full of pictures and loving descriptions. Instead, you’re going to get bullet points. Just the facts, ma’am!

So here’s some no-frills ideas, from youngest to oldest.

My one-year-old nephew is getting some adorable clothes, and also this Lil’ Shopper Play Set which is crazy cute.

Three-year-old Little Miss Sunshine has been talking for ages about how all she wants is “a pencil” and for ages we could not figure out why she only wanted a pencil, when we had like, a hundred of them just sitting in the bin in the office for her use. Then one day we realized she meant Rapunzel (ohhhhhhhh), and so she’s getting this one. She’s also surprisingly into trains. Thomas the Tank Engine is my go-to toy for three-year-old boys, but she’s been loving the Captain’s collection so she’s getting her very own girl train, Molly.

My five-year-old nephew, HMan, is just on the cusp of getting into Star Wars, I found him an R2D2 shirt and a Yoda shirt at Old Navy that is definitely going to make me The Cool Aunt. He’s also totally into The Superhero Years (ages 4-6, and Buzz Lightyear counts, by the way). So he is also getting this Spiderman Zoom and Go Racer. Coooool.

Six-year-old Gal Smiley is always the hardest to shop for, because she doesn’t like traditional girly stuff and we already have a ton of boyish stuff. She is quite sporty and has been wanting a skateboard for ages, so we are giving her a very small toddler-sized one from Toys R Us. I couldn’t find it on their website but they had tons at the Merivale store, it was only $10, and it’s pink with a bunny on it. She is so going to love it – and the elbow and knee pads too.

She’s also getting an Easy Bake Oven, which I’m very nervous about. I tried to avoid it altogether, but it’s what she really really wants, and they’re everywhere so she sees one every single time we go out. One thing that really worried me about this toy is that the mixes for it, aside from costing AN ARM AND A LEG AND THEN ANOTHER LEG, contain egg and milk and are may-contain for peanuts and tree nuts. All of that is bad for our house. Happily I found many from-scratch recipes online, like the zillions at this site, so we can make safer and cheaper treats. It seems that in general you can make any cake/cookie recipe in there as long as you cut down the quantity sufficiently, and anything you can do in a toaster oven is fair game too.

Seven-year-old Captain Jelly Belly is still super into Lego but we have a metric ton of the stuff already. Luckily there are new Lego board games out this year, so he’s getting one of those. There are so many to choose from, it’s hard to know what’s good and what’s not, but in the end I settled on Race 3000, because the Captain often plays this game already at home via his own design and invention. He’s also getting this Lego watch – they make all kinds of different styles and colours – because it is cool and it’s all You’re A Big Boy Now and stuff. Sniff.

My nine-year-old nephew is at a cuspy kind of age, and we’re still not sure what to get him. I am leaning towards a more complex Lego set of some sort – the kind that will keep him busy all through the holidays – or maybe a magnet set or some other kind of building set. I am also considering a subscription to National Geographic Kids – the Captain gets this magazine and he loves it, and there’s the bonus of getting personal mail all year long.

My thirteen-year-old nephew is hitting Gift Card age. I find it to be really hard to buy for teens, especially boys. The past few years we have bought him books (he is an avid reader) and/or video games. We could do the same this year but I feel like we’ve been there, and done that. Now that he’s getting a little older I feel like he’s maybe ready for some cool boy gadgets, like say a Swiss Army Knife, a strategy game like Ticket To Ride or Risk, a nice leather wallet, or maybe an iTunes gift certificate.

My last nephew is 15 and that’s a hard one. There’s no way you can pick out clothes or CDs for a 15-year-old boy. Computer games are a possibility, and my nephew really likes music so we have in the past bought him subscriptions to Rolling Stone or Spin. Now that he’s old enough to get out and about, we’re also thinking about movie gift certificates, or tickets to sporting events or concerts (except that he is into weird thrash metal from England, so I’m guessing tickets to see the Jonas Brothers are not going to fly). I also have sports jerseys on my list, but I’ll probably go gift card here. Bleh.

My 17-year-old niece, on the other hand, is so much fun to buy for. One word: Etsy. It’s chock full of pretty jewelry, cute handbags, fancy soaps and creams, funky paper products, lovely scarves, and beautiful artwork to hang in her room. I just love shopping for her – I could surf on Etsy forever! MyFriendJen had another great idea, and that was to get her a gift card for clothes — and then actually take her shopping. Getting out of the house, without her parents, and having the opinion of The Cool Aunt – SOLID GOLD. I love this idea.

I almost forgot…Santa! Santa will be bringing our little muchkins a copy of Toy Story 3, to round out our collection. He’ll also be bringing this cool Snow Castle/Snow Ball Construction Set. I ordered mine online, but you can buy the pieces separately at Tagalong Toys in Kanata.

Whew. I thought this was going to be a short post!

The Captain has been bugging us lately to let him bring Lego to school. Apparently a bunch of boys are allowed to bring a bagful, and then they play with it at recess.

I have problems with him taking Lego to school because I have completionist issues. I cannot go to sleep at night if there is a puzzle piece missing or a slice of the wooden play cake. I like sets to be kept together and to be completely accounted for at all times. Heaven forbid we shake out the shapes ball to find the hexagon is missing. HOUSE-WIDE SEARCH ALERT.

So needless to say, if some Lego goes missing, I will never sleep again. Because how will we be able to recreate the snow speeder with four snow troopers exactly as it appears on the box, if we are missing that 2×1 white piece that is critical to the ship’s hull? HOW, I ask you?

Also, I have been very wary in the past of dealing with the potential fallout if something does get lost or (eep) stolen. The Captain is almost as bad as I am for hoarding and sorting and making sure every last thing is accounted for. He’d be heartbroken.

Anyway, I finally caved in a couple of weeks ago and let him take some generic pieces that didn’t belong to any set. He didn’t lose anything, so from there we worked up to letting him take some generic people. I had to draw the line at the big dudes – can you imagine if we lost Lego Han Solo or Lego Indiana Jones? – but I did let him take a policeman. Then an astronaut.

Then yesterday, one of the criminals from his Space Police set, this guy:

He had him in his hand when he came out of the school. He had him in his hand after going through the woods with his friend Indy.

Then we got home, and Indy came in for a playdate. Then Indy went home, and suddenly, there were tears.

The Captain could not find octopus-head-guy (Kranxx, if you must know). He was sure he had dropped him on the walk home.

But by now, Little Miss Sunshine was hysterical with exhaustion and I was trying to keep her locked down. I had started dinner and there were three separate pots boiling on the stove. It was getting dark. There was no way I could take him out to look for it.

And oh, the weeping. The sadness that goes right to the bottom of your heart. I always feared this day would come.

Sir Monkeypants stopped on his way home to look along the length of road where The Captain was sure he had dropped it, but no luck. Later, I had to go out and I also stopped on my way home to check another length of pathway. Still nothing.

We were both pretty sure that some other kid had found Kranxx and was happily introducing him to some other Lego friends.

Meanwhile, at home, the Captain kept crying. And crying. And crying. Sir Monkeypants finally settled him into bed but we were all sad and worried.

This morning we got up extra early and got ready extra early so we could take our time walking to school, checking the whole way for an orange-headed Lego guy. Nothing, of course. I was impressed though, the Captain managed to hold it together and went into the school sadly, but without sobbing.

Then I came home from dropping the kids off and Sir Monkeypants said to me, “What did that Lego guy look like?”

And I was all, “Orange squid head.”

And he was all, “Black top? Vest?”

Me: “Yes, and holding a…”

Him: “…grey gun?”

Me: “Um, yes, that’s amazing, how did you know?”

Him: “IS THIS HIM???”

UNBELIEVABLE. He was on Sir Monkeypants’ bedside table THE ENTIRE TIME.

Think of the grey hairs, Captain! I cannot afford this kind of stress!

On Saturday evening, I went to the NAC to see the Pops concert Gotta Dance with my sisters. It was the first event in my Month Of Turning 40, which includes several parties and outings and opportunities to eat sugar. I was actually planning a very quiet birthday this year, but then I thought, what the hell, LET’S PARTY. And so we shall.

Side note: My friend Lee Ann says that when you turn 50, you get a WHOLE YEAR of parties. BRING IT ON.

Anyway, part of the NAC concert featured a dance from Swan Lake, which I have never seen, and I could not get over how lovely and beautiful and moving it was. Then my youngest sister sent me a link to this video, a version of the same dance but performed by the Great Chinese State Circus.

It is just ridiculous. Insane. Unbelievable. You go watch now.

I had a great talk with MyFriendJen on the way to pick up the kids from school today, about how we both feel like we are just treading water in our lives with our nose barely able to breathe (her awesome analogy). We both feel like we’re constantly on the run, just frantically trying to keep up with our houses and our kids and our schedules, and there’s no time for just relaxing, let alone work on major projects.

She’d like to give up her part-time job, but as a stay-at-home-mom, I can say that not working does not seem to equate to more free time. Maybe it’s because I am not as well organized as a working mother is forced to be? More likely, it’s because I devote too much time to volunteering and party planning, but these things are necessary to make me feel like I’m still an adult, still a valuable member of society. I’m sure my kitchen would be much cleaner if I gave up all my extra curricular activities but I wouldn’t be as happy, and that’s just as dangerous.

I was thinking the other day that maybe this is why parents put so much stock in their children’s futures. Why they are disappointed if their kid becomes a career waitress, and conversely, so personally proud if their kid becomes a doctor. I think it’s because so many parents gave up their own dreams just to make it through parenthood, and so if their kids turn out well, that means it was all worth it. The sacrifice of yourself was worth it for the person you nurtured.

But that kind of sucks.

I’m not sure how to get ahead of the game. How to get my head above water, how to feel like I’m living life, not just surviving life. Who do I want to be? What do I want to say?

And don’t give me that about motherhood being the most important profession, blah blah. I need more. I’m not ashamed to say it.

I don’t really mean for this to be a negative or complaining kind of post. I am absolutely not unhappy. I love being home with my kids, helping them with homework, taking them on fun outings, feeling the satisfaction of an empty laundry hamper (SO LAME, I know, but it makes me smile). I don’t need to be famous or fabulous or feted all around town.

It’s just a reflective time for me, a time to think about what life is, and what it should be.

I guess this is what they mean by mid-life crisis.

It’s the morning after Halloween, and I have discovered something about myself: I have no willpower over cheesies. Right now I have orange powder on all my fingers and orangey goo between my teeth. If this were an episode of CSI, they could just skip all that lab stuff and go straight to the part where someone is looking down their nose at me with a superior tut-tut.

Sorry kids, you’re just going to have to make do with the mountains of chips around here instead.

On Saturday there was an unexpected and unusual snowfall. I did lots of Managing of Expectations and told the kids it wouldn’t stay on the ground, but Mother Nature screwed me over and by late afternoon there was a good four inches on the ground. The kids could not wait to get outside and roll around in it, throw it at each other, and shove it down each others’ shirts. They came inside wet, cold, and with eyes shining with joy. Early winter is always so full of promise, I can almost ignore the looming horror of February and March.

On my way to bed I noticed that it was so much lighter out of all the windows than usual. It turns out that the white, bright snow reflects all the electric lights around and makes everything sort of shiny. How is it I have never noticed this, after 40 years of first snowfalls? It’s nice to know that I still have things to discover about this world.

There’s nothing like a first snowfall of the year to lead you to discover that one kid has no coat, another kid has no boots, and no one has any snow pants. We spent all of Halloween day at the mall – a four hour epic journey of dehydration and complaining. At any given time, at least two family members were close to passing out. Luckily the others would rally to their aid, only to cash in their chips a half hour later when they hit their own wall.

There were approximately a million trick-or-treaters at the mall and we had to fight our way through unbelievable crowds, all wearing costumes and hopped up on sugar and doing the Monster Mash, only to discover that we were late to the snow-gear party and there were almost no sizes left anywhere. We snapped up what we could and in the end everyone walked away with suitable outwear but I am not exaggerating one bit when I say it almost killed us all.

Luckily there was candy to look forward to and once we were home, the kids quickly bounced back. One Harry Potter, one Little Red Riding Hood, and one white kitten (officially Marie, the white kitten from the movie Aristocats) could not wait to get outside. Having to run through snow to get from house to house only helped turn it into the “best day ever,” according to the Harry Potter. We cut them off when we had a backpack full of candy.

In retrospect, we should have taken a second pass at the houses that were handing out cheesies.

The Captain’s school is doing this campaign called “erasing hunger” or “wiping out hunger” or something, where they have to bring in canned goods. So on Friday I put two cans of soup in his backpack.

I told him, “Captain, here are two cans for your can drive, put them in the box when you get to school.”

Friday at pickup time, he comes out and says, “Mom, I had to bring the soup home.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “They have food in them.”

Me: “Um, exactly.”

Him: “But they don’t want the soup.”

Me: “What’s wrong with soup?”

Him: “It’s food!”

Me: “Exactly!”

Him: “They want CANS. You have to empty the cans. They do not want food!”

Me: “Oh honey.”

And then I explained that the idea was to stamp out hunger using FOOD, not using cans. Although those who have fallen on hard times probably COULD use the extra iron.