We’ve been watching Jamie Oliver’s show about changing food in schools, which we recorded back in the summer. I think you’re supposed to come away from the show feeling resolved to question your own diet and to be shamed into improving it. But I’m having quite the opposite reaction – watching the show makes me feel smug and superior about how great my diet is.

Did you see the family in the first episode whose freezer was 100% packed to the brim with frozen pizzas? I’m not that mom! Ergo, I rock.

Lately I find I hear Jamie’s voice in my head all the time, commenting on my food choices. He’s like a tiny angel on my right shoulder, with a tiny camera crew in tow, watching my every move and nodding approvingly.

Scene One – The Grocery Store

Jamie, with camera crew: Hi there! We’re patrolling the store today looking for moms so we can point out what terrible shoppers they are. Can we peek in your cart?

Me: Knock yourself out.

Jamie: Well well well! Carrots, apples, and cucumber! You’re doing a great job!

Me (modestly): I know.

Jamie: And is that a spaghetti squash I see? Are your kids actually going to eat that?

Me: Anything is possible.

Jamie: What’s for dinner tonight?

Me: Chicken stir fry, with vegtables and rice. I don’t like to brag, but I make my own sauce.

Jamie: You are AMAZING. Now, is that a frozen pizza I see at the bottom of the pile? And a box of Captain Crunch?

Me: These are not the droids you’re looking for.

Jamie: Oh, no problems here, those are minor infractions. Overall, you make for bad TV but you are so inspiring, we will of course put you on the show. Bravo!

Scene Two – Making Dinner At Home

Jamie, with camera crew: Knock knock!

Me: Um, hello?

Jamie: We’ve randomly selected one house in Canada to visit and critique their food. And you’re the chosen one!

Me: Come on in.

Jamie: What’s for dinner tonight?

Me: Chicken fajitas.

Jamie: Wow, are your kids really going to eat all those vegetables?

Me: I’m going to say yes to that. One out of three ain’t bad, right?

Jamie: Not at all! I have absolutely nothing negative to say here. You are AMAZING.

Me (modestly): I know.

Jamie: Maybe you should be the one running school lunch programs! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(We laugh because it’s funny, and we laugh because it’s true.)

Scene Three – Watching TV After Dinner

The phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Jamie: It’s Jamie Oliver! We’re randomly calling families to slam their eating habits!

Me: Bring it on.

Jamie: What are you doing right now?

Me: Watching your show on the PVR.

Jamie: I’m sure the viewing audience of my show will believe that is a total coincidence!

Me: I’m sure they will.

Jamie: What are you eating right now?

Me: Well, I cleverly brushed my teeth and flossed immediately after dinner. So although I feel snacky, if I eat anything I’ll have to brush and floss again and I hate that. So I’m actually just having a glass of water, because although I would like to eat I’m too lazy to re-floss.

Jamie: AMAZING.

Me: Laziness trumps snackiness. It’s a life motto.

Jamie: You are simply brill. Give this woman her own show! The camera crew will be right over.

Me: Um…Just let me tidy up a bit first.