Food Revolution

We’ve been watching Jamie Oliver’s show about changing food in schools, which we recorded back in the summer. I think you’re supposed to come away from the show feeling resolved to question your own diet and to be shamed into improving it. But I’m having quite the opposite reaction – watching the show makes me feel smug and superior about how great my diet is.

Did you see the family in the first episode whose freezer was 100% packed to the brim with frozen pizzas? I’m not that mom! Ergo, I rock.

Lately I find I hear Jamie’s voice in my head all the time, commenting on my food choices. He’s like a tiny angel on my right shoulder, with a tiny camera crew in tow, watching my every move and nodding approvingly.

Scene One – The Grocery Store

Jamie, with camera crew: Hi there! We’re patrolling the store today looking for moms so we can point out what terrible shoppers they are. Can we peek in your cart?

Me: Knock yourself out.

Jamie: Well well well! Carrots, apples, and cucumber! You’re doing a great job!

Me (modestly): I know.

Jamie: And is that a spaghetti squash I see? Are your kids actually going to eat that?

Me: Anything is possible.

Jamie: What’s for dinner tonight?

Me: Chicken stir fry, with vegtables and rice. I don’t like to brag, but I make my own sauce.

Jamie: You are AMAZING. Now, is that a frozen pizza I see at the bottom of the pile? And a box of Captain Crunch?

Me: These are not the droids you’re looking for.

Jamie: Oh, no problems here, those are minor infractions. Overall, you make for bad TV but you are so inspiring, we will of course put you on the show. Bravo!

Scene Two – Making Dinner At Home

Jamie, with camera crew: Knock knock!

Me: Um, hello?

Jamie: We’ve randomly selected one house in Canada to visit and critique their food. And you’re the chosen one!

Me: Come on in.

Jamie: What’s for dinner tonight?

Me: Chicken fajitas.

Jamie: Wow, are your kids really going to eat all those vegetables?

Me: I’m going to say yes to that. One out of three ain’t bad, right?

Jamie: Not at all! I have absolutely nothing negative to say here. You are AMAZING.

Me (modestly): I know.

Jamie: Maybe you should be the one running school lunch programs! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(We laugh because it’s funny, and we laugh because it’s true.)

Scene Three – Watching TV After Dinner

The phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Jamie: It’s Jamie Oliver! We’re randomly calling families to slam their eating habits!

Me: Bring it on.

Jamie: What are you doing right now?

Me: Watching your show on the PVR.

Jamie: I’m sure the viewing audience of my show will believe that is a total coincidence!

Me: I’m sure they will.

Jamie: What are you eating right now?

Me: Well, I cleverly brushed my teeth and flossed immediately after dinner. So although I feel snacky, if I eat anything I’ll have to brush and floss again and I hate that. So I’m actually just having a glass of water, because although I would like to eat I’m too lazy to re-floss.


Me: Laziness trumps snackiness. It’s a life motto.

Jamie: You are simply brill. Give this woman her own show! The camera crew will be right over.

Me: Um…Just let me tidy up a bit first.

11 thoughts on “Food Revolution

  1. i totally do the brush and floss thing too. i have to admit that it doesn’t always work, but for the most part it does. i’d watch a show staring you! (did that sound a little creepy? non? ok, good.)

  2. These are not the droids you’re looking for.

    Thank goodness I wasn’t taking a sip of coffee when I got to THAT line. Too funny. I love the brush & floss idea…that might keep me from getting snacky.

  3. You totally rock. And I do sometimes buy better at the grocery store by convincing myself that everyone is looking in my cart. But that’s a nutritional technique, not me being neurotic and paranoid. Stop looking at me like that.

  4. Jamie should come over and give you a pat on the back for making all your food from scratch! He would be impressed!

    I want Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey and ‘Chef at Home’ guy Michael Smith to come over to my place so they can cook for us and clean up afterwards. Now THAT would be “brill!” 😉

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