It’s almost December, and I find myself surprisingly in a cheerful Christmas mood these days. There’s a slight dusting of snow on the ground, just enough to cover up the horrors of my bare-patches-and-weeds so-called lawn. The weather has been cold but clear and sunny, with no wind, just perfect for playing outside and using up what snow there is to build snow/mud men. It’s a little raw, but it’s festive.

The kids are all excited but not overly so, yet. They’ve filled out their wish lists and I’ve been hunkered down at the mall almost every day this past week, making it happen. Gal Smiley, at age 8, is just on the cusp of not believing. She actually asked me several weeks ago if Santa was real, and I gave her the Serious Talk I’d given to the Captain two years ago, about how Santa represents the Christmas spirit in all of us, but that yes, it was really Mommy and Daddy who put the presents under the tree. But she’s either forgotten, or else she’s in denial, because she seems to be back to full faith.

More likely, she’s just trying to keep the magic alive. I can’t really begrudge her that – Christmas is the perfect time to reclaim innocence and wonder. Plus, she’s ripe for the watching of Miracle on 34th Street (original version, of course). I’m looking forward to it.

Last night, Sir Monkeypants asked me when “Santa” stops bringing presents. I thought he must have fallen and hit his head. “NEVER,” I declared. Once my youngest sister turned 10 or so, my mother started a campaign to no longer have gifts brought by the big guy, and instead, to mark presents put under the tree merely with the name of their intended. Humbug, my sisters and I declared. We wanted the tags that said “From Santa,” “From Frosty,” “From Rudolph.” We knew the truth, but we wanted the magic.

Santa will ALWAYS bring it, honey.

In other news, it’s almost time to start up with the Family Advent Calendar, an idea that originated with Andrea. I’ve been wondering lately how long we’ll keep this up. Is it just for little kids? Or is this something that they’ll cling to, like a tag that says “From Mrs. Claus”? At bedtime a few nights ago, Gal Smiley told me that one day, when she’s a teenager, she would like to be the one who makes up the activities and fills the pockets with paper. I love that idea. Someone else reclaiming a little magic for me.

For this year, though, I’ll be the one in charge, and that’s okay too. I’m humming Christmas tunes and there’s gingerbread dough chilling in the fridge and I’m up for anything.

Here’s our activities for this year – and a bonus list of other ideas I had that just won’t fit into 25 days. Maybe we’ll get a chance to do a few of them while the kids are off on their school break.

Or maybe we’ll just be too busy making more mudmen.

1 – Put up the tree and hang our stockings.
2 – Decorate a gingerbread house.
3 – Visit Santa and take a toy to Toy Mountain.
4 – Make cards for your grandparents.
5 – Make Peppermint Bark.
6 – Bubble bath in the big tub. (This is really just for the girls, as the Captain is too old and doesn’t like this one anymore – but he has soccer practice this night, so we’ll do something special with him some other time.)
7 – Members Christmas party at the Museum of Science and Tech.
8 – Get dressed up for a fancy dinner, and have takeout (this one is an extremely popular one around here).
9 – Little Miss Sunshine and I are going to the The Nutcracker at the NAC; the big kids and Sir Monkeypants will stay home and see a Christmas movie (maybe Miracle on 34th Street!)
10 – Hide and seek – with Santa and Rudolph (we have a big stuffed Santa and Rudolph – they’ll be hidden in the house and the kids will have to find them).
11 – Donate to your favourite charity.
12 – Make a group comic book that tells a Christmas story.
13 – Make chocolate dipped marshmallows.
14 – Dance party!
15 – Alight at Night at Upper Canada Village.
16 – Movie matinee (most likely Rise of the Guardians).
17 – Family Wii Night.
18 – Play Bingo and win a Christmas treat.
19 – Watch the Sound of Music with popcorn at home.
20 – Make salt dough ornaments for the tree.
21 – Stargazing at the Museum of Science and Tech.
22 – Family Swim.
23 – Ian’s Christmas Adventure Park
24 – Bake cookies for Santa.
25 – Waffles for breakfast!

Backup ideas:
Sledding, build a snowman, go for a sleigh ride (all only possible if we get enough snow)
Brinkeetos (free drop-in playtime with a food bank donation between December 1 and 15)
Go for a walk in the woods (perhaps at night?)
Put together every puzzle we own
December 8 – Silver City Gloucester is showing A Christmas Story on the big screen at 11 am
December 8 – Mayor’s Christmas Party
December 14 – Ottawa 67s game
Family skate
Go downtown to see Lights Across Canada at Parliament Hill
Put on a puppet show for Daddy
Take Daddy out to lunch
Play pin the nose on the snowman
Wrap a gift for your brother or sister
Make paper snowflakes
Camp out on the living room floor overnight
Spend the afternoon at Funhaven
Put together every puzzle we own
Make a silly crown and have a parade
Make a paper chain for the Christmas tree
Make your own playdoh
Pyjama party!
Visit a museum (the Vale Earth Gallery is reopening at the Museum of Nature this weekend)
Visit Ray’s Reptiles
Play mini golf at The Putting Edge

And have a very happy holiday, everyone.

Yesterday I stood up too quickly after putting on my shoes in our mudroom. I hit my head on the corner of the hat shelf. It was a pretty hard knock, complete with cartoon stars encircling my head and the sound of twittering blue birds. I sat down with watery eyes and took the three minutes I had to spare before leaving to pick up Little Miss Sunshine to Google “symptoms of concussion.”

(Apparently using a computer is no-no if you have a concussion. How are you supposed to know that, without using the computer? Chicken and egg, people, chicken and egg.)

I had a rager of a headache all day and got a nice goose egg but otherwise, I seem to be recovered. My professional football career will not be affected in the long term. I’m back on the roster.

I was reading this post by Tudor the other day about how writers need to kind of get over themselves and just sit down and write. She didn’t mention me specifically in her piece but it seems like it was written for me. This November has been cold and grey, colder than most, greyer than most. Maybe it’s the aging, maybe it’s the lack of focus around here, but something has made this month chilly in every sense of the word.

But I do feel a softness in the wind these days. A changing of the tide. A desire to just sit down and write.

Seems it only took a literal whack to the head to get me going again, however slowly.

I’ve hit a bit of a blogging wall. I’ve been stuck before, not knowing what to write about, or feeling like my posts are banal and boring. I’ve been too busy to write or too bogged down in other projects to give the ol’ blog much attention. I always seem to get back to it eventually.

But lately I feel like I have lost my voice. I have blogger laryngitis. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to say, it’s also that I don’t know how to say it.

I’ve been doing a writing retreat from Alison Gresik in which you go back over all your creative works and try to spot themes, identify what you like and don’t like, so you can refocus while moving forward. It’s been valuable but my overall reaction has been disappointment. It’s been a long time since I wrote something that I think is really good. Something that is funny or moving or powerful or beautiful.

And worse, when I look back at the things that I do like, I hear the voices of other people in there. My funny posts are copied from her or her or her. My sweet moment posts are copied from her or her or her. My musings on parenthood are stolen from her or her.

I’m not sure which is the real me in all that mash up. Which one is the voice that shines above the rest? What do I want to say, and how do I want to say it?

I don’t know.

I came away from Blissdom feeling as though I needed to refocus my writing and start fresh, but I really feel as lost as I ever have. I also was resolved to move my blog – finally, finally – to its own domain name, but even that is causing me to have an identity crisis. I love the name Turtlehead but it means something different to the rest of the world than it does to me. Should I rename my blog? Should I gather all my creative endeavours together under one “Lynn” style banner? Should I name my brand and develop a mission statement?

Ugh.

My blog has always been for me, a place for me to write. It’s not about selling something or getting somewhere or achieving any particular goals. It’s just meant to be a place for me to dabble in creativity.

But it’s been many, many years now and I’m still just a dabbler. I want to dive in, but I’m not sure I know how to swim.

I feel like I should write something about Blissdom, since I made such a big deal about going, but I’m not quite sure what tone to take.

Here’s what I can say: I had a really good time. I learned some good stuff. I had a truly life-changing cheesecake. (SERIOUSLY. Will be dreaming about it for years to come.)

Sir Monkeypants and the kids were great. I skyped with them and that was fun, I had a nice relaxing train ride and a happy couple of days among adults.

I don’t know, I feel like a lot of people gush after conferences, feeling as though their creativity has been sparked, their social lives transformed, their community feeling cemented.

I did have a nice time, really. Just perhaps not transformative. I think I need to process things more, maybe.

I think my biggest thing is that I didn’t socialize enough. I had read ahead of time that you need to plan for what you want to get out of a conference before you go. Maybe you want to learn things, maybe you want to meet new people, maybe you want to party it up, maybe you want to connect with brands, maybe you want to score swag. All perfectly valid, and I got the fact that I should have goals, but what I did not realize is that when you choose one of these things to focus on, it comes at the expense of the others. It appears that at conferences, as in life, we really can’t do it all.

My primary goal was to learn stuff and as a result I attended every single session and lecture. And I loved them all, and learned a lot, and am still thinking about what I learned. I took away useful information about improving my writing and my blog.

But because I attended every session, I missed out on meeting a lot of the people I wanted to meet. I didn’t realize until very late in the day on Saturday that people were actually just hanging out in the lounge, instead of sitting in the lecture hall. I didn’t even think of that as an option. So I didn’t manage to bump into people I really wanted to meet, and although I hung out with four fabulous women (shout outs to Kim, Vi, Char, and Melanie), I wish I had done more mingling and networking.

(And maybe more swag seeking, although I did manage to score two cheesecakes, then promptly passed out from sugar overload. TOTES WORTH IT.)

But then I would have missed the speakers! And they were good! So, who knows.

I am feeling wishy washy. I blame the grey weather and the cold and a slight bug I have that I am milking for all its worth.

I feel like shaking things up around here, shaking myself out of this rut. That’s a good thing, right?

So to sum up: I had fun. I learned stuff. I ate cheesecake. I feel like it’s time for some changes.

Perhaps that’s bliss.

The other day I was walking home from school with MyFriendJen, and another mom came over to set up a playdate between her daughter and Jen’s daughter. The other mom was saying that she has fallen behind on playdate scheduling, and that’s a problem because she has found that the most popular kids in school are the ones with mothers who are on-the-ball about setting up their social life for them. Those with the most playdates win.

I had never thought about this before. I am pretty bad at scheduling social dates for my kids. I’m a huge introvert in real life, and I like quiet in my house. Even making idle chit chat with another mom as she comes to pick up or drop off her kid can be too much for me some days. My kids play really well together, and sometimes when we add another kid to the mix the delicate balance of sibling cooperation is thrown off, and suddenly I have four wailing, angry children on my hands instead of three who respond well to threats of never, ever getting cookies again.

So despite the fact that, as a stay-at-home-mom, I have it pretty easy when it comes to making room in the schedule for having kids over, I rarely actually find the energy to do it.

Suddenly I’m wondering if this is a disservice to my kids. I don’t remember my own mother scheduling many playdates for me as a kid, but on the other hand everyone we played with as children lived on our street, or a street or two over. We were allowed to come and go as we pleased; we all walked home from school so sometimes one of my sisters would just bring an extra kid home, and they were welcome to stay (if they called their parents first). There wasn’t any scheduling, but there wasn’t a lack of friendly play dates, either.

Now it seems we have to have a hand in this once natural process. We’re the ones responsible for making sure our kids have friends, have a chance to nurture any budding relationships. I have to admit, even though my kids play well with others at school, none of the three of them have anything like a “best” friend, or even a go-to circle of friends for recess time. All three float on the edges of the crowd on the school yard; they sometimes join in a game with a group, where they are welcomed (for the most part), but it’s a different group every day, and more often than not, they’re observing from the sidelines.

They’re the kind of kids who must ask to be involved, not the kids who are invited. They’re the ones going around looking for a game, rather than starting one up and having others follow.

I’m not saying that’s a problem, per se. They all seem happy enough and they never complain about feeling left out or lonely. In fact, until that other mom made her comment about playdates, I’d never even thought there was any kind of issue here at all. They’ll figure it out, I thought. Some day they’ll find their tribe. There’s always plenty of school friends to invite for birthday parties, and that’s enough, isn’t it?

Is it?

After my post last week about the sleepover thing, I’m now wondering if I’ve been to tight with them, holding them too close. Am I standing between them and their peers? In my quest for a close-knit family, am I making it harder for them to be outside the house, in other groups and situations?

I’m really not sure. But I wonder.

So I’m going to Blissdom this weekend. I’m looking forward to it, not in a crazy SUPER PUMPED kind of way, but in a general-good-feeling kind of way. I’ve been feeling lately like I’ve lost my blogging mojo – not that I don’t want to blog, just that the words haven’t been flowing. My writing feels like an unfolding lawn chair.

So I hope the conference will just generally give me good vibes and unlock the creative juices. Also, I hope it’s worth the many days of parenting payback awaiting me. Not only will Sir Monkeypants be on his own for two bedtimes, bath day, and several meals, but he also has several sports events to work around AND two birthday parties to squeeze in there. Although I have come to terms with the fact that I am not completely indispensable around here, it’s a tough weekend to be single-parenting and I’m grateful.

In any case, I just wanted to mention here that I’ll be there, so if you’ll be there, please come and say hello. I am terribly, terribly wallflower shy in crowds, I am likely to be skulking around the edges of the event wearing an awkward-creepy smile and holding out my business card wordlessly, like the Hot-And-Ready girl who stands outside Tiny Tim’s pizza trying desperately to get passers-by to take a flyer already so she can finish her stack and go home and lie down, dammit.

(I feel for the Hot-And-Ready girl.)

See you there!

Last night, doing BrainQuest with Gal Smiley:

Question: I’m 9 years old and my dad is 47. How old will my dad be when I am 21?

Gal Smiley: He’ll be dead.

Naturally!

I’ve been working my way through The Lord Of The Rings movies on DVD with the Captain these past few weeks. It’s part reward for his hard work reading The Hobbit, and part to ensure he is not socially stunted at school, as it seems EVERY other person in his class has seen them, and he is getting tired of laughing at Merry and Pippin jokes as if he actually understands what they mean.

I had forgotten how chock-full those movies are of delightfully warm-blooded men. Uh-huh.

Here’s Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn. Normally I’m not a big fan of his, but when Aragorn is taking on all nine Nazgul single-handedly, that’s pretty magical. And the way he looks intently into Arwen’s eyes is pretty magical. And the way he maintains a perfect 3-day stubble even though they are wandering the countryside with no food and water is awfully magical. Mmm.

This is Orlando Bloom as Legolas. Poor Orlando never did live up to the major heartthrob expectations that The Lord Of The Rings trilogy set out for him. However, we can all still enjoy the way he turned Legolas from a fairly average character in the book into an Earthbound Angel with Flashing Dark Eyes in the movies. Not to mention the fact that effective use of a bow and arrow is a little…suggestive. Mmmm.

Here’s Sean Bean as Boromir. His stringy hair and pointed nose are not really my thing. However, I always found Boromir’s flawed character to be one of the most interesting in the book, and he did a great job in the movie. So I’d at least have him over for dinner, is what I’m saying, and we’ll see what happens.

Now let us consider Karl Urban as Eomer. I had completely forgotten he was in these movies. For shame! I pretty much find Karl Urban to be witty and smart and super charismatic at all times. Add in long blonde hair and – yeow.

This is David Wenham as Faramir, Boromir’s brother. I’d completely forgotten about him as well, and that’s so very wrong considering he’s the cuter half of the sibling pair. Also: super sensitive, kind, thoughtful, and brave. And, he ends up with Eowyn, who rocks the house and is my favourite character in the whole series. He’s SO dreamy.

Lastly: am I the only one who finds Hugo Weaving as Elrond to be totally sexy? Oh, just me then? Um…nevermind.