And Then My Gluten-Filled Life Flashed Before My Eyes

Today I was very nearly wiped out by a cube van. I was driving along a street, belting out I Saw Her Again (Last Night) by the Mamas and the Papas (Mama Turtlehead loves her soft rock station, DEAR LORD WHAT HAVE I BECOME). The cube van was coming out of a mini-mall driveway too quickly, and slid out into the road with just an inch or two of clearance to the back of my minivan as I zoomed past. I wasn’t even aware of what was happening until it was over.

I was on my way home from getting groceries and my first thought, having just escaped death, was that if I did happen to be flatted by a truck that Sir Monkeypants would be stuck with three kids and NO GLUTEN FREE SUPPLIES. Eating gluten-free is preventing me from even having normal thoughts about dying in a fiery car crash. Who cares about leaving my babies motherless and sad. They will have to EAT GLUTEN. The horror!

Some have asked me if I feel any different, now that I’m eating about 80% gluten-free myself. I’ve heard the stories online about people who have found bottomless pits of energy, have had their skin clear up, have effortlessly lost 30 pounds, all just by cutting out the gluten.

Sadly, I seem to be serving as a counter example as I still fall asleep on the couch at 8:30 p.m., have regular breakouts, and have actually gained weight since Christmas. It probably doesn’t help that I am making up for the lack of gluten with a constant stream of Peppermint Patties, Hershey Kisses, and candy canes. I can’t have my gluten! I need comfort foods! Pass me that bag of chips.

But even so, I would be willing to stick to the gluten-free lifestyle forever if I thought it would really help the Captain. The jury’s still out on that. It’s only been a month, but so far we haven’t seen any miracle changes – he is still having some on and off breathing trouble, and he’s still having mystery allergic reactions. He seems a bit less sniffly, which may be worth it just for our own sanity. But yeah, one month in and we’re still waiting-and-seeing.

And also trying not to be hit by cube vans. Think of the teff flour, BY GOD.

13 thoughts on “And Then My Gluten-Filled Life Flashed Before My Eyes

  1. hehe. I have no idea what teff flour is, but, thank goodness your babies have their gluten free food!

    Honestly, I think the magic will only happen for you when you give up sugar (horrible, I know) and increase your protein intake. We tried a 30 day Paleo unprocessed food thing (Whole30, Google it) and gave up all grains, sugar, dairy and legumes, and at about week 3 I started feeling really good. (Or maybe just hallucinating.) But it really meant we had to chow down on vegetables, fruit and protein. Getting off the sugar was AWFUL, but totally worth it.

    I swear, if I can do it, anyone can. Good luck figuring out the allergy thing. BabyT just had a skin test where she didn’t react to anything, but given some recent puke incidents, I’m pretty sure she’s still allergic to dairy. Which means we need to brave another dairy challenge. Sigh.

    1. I know, I have been circling the drain on that one for a while. I’ve done sugar-free before when dieting and it’s so, so true, I had so much more energy and I really felt great. But then a big bag of mini chocolate bars makes its way into the house “somehow” and I fall off the wagon. GAH.

      I’ve been thinking a lot about your Paleo experience and I think I will invest in a Paleo cookbook, if I can find a good one. The diet is not exactly what we need (we’re off nuts and eggs) but it is close and I think there will be some good ideas there, at the least. You’ve inspired me!

  2. i didn’t loose an ounce cutting out the gluten! i was pretty disapointed about that. but i did feel the positive effects within a couple of weeks. i hope you figure it out for the captain. and maybe you’ll be able to get back onto the gluten train!

    very glad the teff flour was saved!

    1. Did you find you had more energy? That’s my big problem. I’ve also heard that too much gluten can sometimes be the cause of headaches. You’d think that would be enough to get me on board the gluten train, but GAH, no.

      Speaking of which, I have a new gluten-free cookbook I love love love – it’s called the Allergy-Free Cook Bakes Bread. It’s a MUST HAVE.

  3. I have not much to say except: I laughed at your expense today. I hope you’re proud of yourself for making me feel guilty. 😉 But I couldn’t help it– you manage to make your misery hilarious. So it’s all your fault.

  4. smokingtoaster

    Love that song! Definitely my fave M&P song. I used to listen to an oldies station when I lived in Ottawa. I knew I was outside the demographic due to all the funeral preparation commercials I had to listen to.

    As it’s still early in the New Year, I’m interested in any weight loss advice that anyone has. Interesting about the gluten-free diet. I had thought you had to cut both flour and sugar to see real gains. But then once you do that, what’s left? Dirt? Rocks, maybe.

    Your cube van incident sounds like one I had a few years ago after leaving the Oakland Zoo. The minivan next to me starting cutting across all lanes of traffic, right into mine as I was cruising at 80 mph. I knew I couldn’t stop in time and veered right, miraculously not hitting anyone. As I drove by I saw that his hood had popped up and he couldn’t see a damn thing. Still don’t know how I got out of that one.

    1. Okay, this was unintentionally the most perfect comment ever, because Sir Monkeypants jokes all the time that “dirt and rock soup” is what’s for dinner these days. He even had the idea to put some dirt, some rocks, and some spices in a Christmas present for me as a “soup kit.” Every time he jokes about dirt and rock soup, the kids are all like, “noooo, silly daddy!” but you can see in their eyes that they aren’t QUITE sure. Hee hee.

      As for cutting out sugar, ugh, I do not want to, but I am warming up to it. I know it’s the right thing to do…but it certainly isn’t the FUN thing to do.

  5. A few weeks ago driving home from visiting my mom a car passing us almost had a head on collision with a car coming in the opposite direction. This was a day after that tragic accident in the valley where a father and child were killed in a similar accident. I honestly saw my life flash before my eyes and I was so angry at the driver who felt it was so important to pass us at that very moment. It was Boxing day for Goodness sakes. But I have to admit my children’s diet was not one of the things that popped into my head. That proves how important that is to you. Keeping your family alive and fed. It is such a primal thing.

  6. I’m sorry you almost got killed, but this just totally made me laugh – your husband stuck in the house with no gluten free supplies. Aieee. “So sorry to hear of the grisly death of your wife.” “Yes, it’s very sad, especially since we all had to eat regular bread.”

  7. My husband has been eating gluten- and dairy-free for a year and has lost no weight at all. But he has seen a substantial improvement in his digestive problems, his acne, his sleep, etc. I’m probably eating about 50% less gluten than I was, and my weight has stayed the same and my digestive problems have increased. (sigh) Very glad to hear you weren’t in an accident with that cube van!

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