Epic Like A Cheetah

Yesterday, the Captain brought home a book from school that his class had written. Each kid wrote one page about their favourite part of their own body.

It was one of those things that makes your heart well up with pride, because they have obviously worked so hard on the project and thought about it a lot. And the innocence and purity of their words is so sweet and cute.

And also: FREAKING HILARIOUS.

I kept bursting out with laughter while reading it, which granted was not my finest Mommy moment. That sort of thing leads to all kinds of awkward questions from the kids, like “What’s so funny, Mommy?” and “Why are you laughing, Mommy?” and “Do you need a tissue, because you are snorting a lot?”

AWKWARD.

But seriously, I defy you to keep a straight face when reading these:

[My brain] will achieve everything needed even the things that I absolutely hate like listening to my dad’s commands to do more homework.

My supreme, epic, wicked neck never fails me.

This handsome thinker [ed note: his head] sits on my peaceful neck.

I use my arms to eat at home at 5:30.

When I wear blue my eyes pop like fireworks. Sometimes they don’t pop because it’s a different shade of blue.

My legs are epic and make me run fast.

Staying up you might think is not significant, but I need my feet to stay up or I’ll be tired.

It [his carotid artery – this kid is some kind of genius] is special to me because without it my head might blow up and then my massive brain would not be attached to my body and I’d be dead!

My smile is so bright that sometimes other people can see their self-reflection off my teeth.

My bones are epic. Epic like a cheetah.

That last one is my ultimate, all-time favourite. “Epic like a cheetah” is definitely, definitely my new catch-phrase. Also the name of my next blog, my future rock band, and my first novel. It’s EPIC, like a CHEETAH, man.

22 thoughts on “Epic Like A Cheetah

  1. CapnPLanet

    Yes, “epic like a cheetah” is pure awesomeness (say that with a Jack Black voice as in the first scene of Kung Fu Panda). I love it.

    And “epic” seems to be the favorite adjective, at least from your sample. Curious.

    1. Epic sure is a trendy word these days. This is pure awesomeness. How can one have a peaceful neck? I want a peaceful neck. Thanks for morning laughs!

  2. You can totally tell the teacher provide some good adjectives for them to use. There’s no way all those “epics” is a coincidence.

    Unless it’s some new, hip lingo that the kids are using this day. Goodness, I’m always the LAST to pick up on that stuff.

    1. Actually, it seems that “epic” is the new “awesome.” In fact, the Captain told us that the class were specifically instructed NOT to use the word “epic” but more than half of them could not resist. It seems that “awesome” is going the way of “groovy” or “totally rad.” So if you want to be cool, be EPIC.

      1. CapnPLanet

        Oh, that is awesome… er, epic. They were instructed not to use it but half couldn’t resist? I had no idea “epic” was the mot du jour. I’m definitely going to have to start using it more (you know, to slow the inevitable slide into dorkdom that accompanies parenthood).

  3. This is a keeper for sure. Sounds like he’s describing a super hero! I love the line about his smile is so bright that other people can see their reflection. And “Epic as a cheetah” deserves to be emblazoned on a t-shirt. Perhaps it would make a good birthday present for the little guy? Or maybe one for each member of the family!

  4. I can’t tell you how much I loved this post. And boy did I need the laugh. Love Andrea’s idea – “Epic like a cheetah” must be on a t-shirt. It really, really must.

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