Apocalpyse Now

I took the kids sledding this week, and the whole time I was there I was wondering how, exactly, any teenaged boys make it to adulthood. I saw boys in untied running shoes (this is on an icy, snowy hill in -5 degrees Celcius weather). I saw boys with no hats and open coats. I saw boys climbing fences into restricted areas and then shoving each other at the edge of the mountain.

I saw boys standing on sleds attempting to “surf” down the hill. SERIOUSLY, boys. How is it that there are any grown men in the world?

Last night I was at a fast food restaurant getting take-out (soon to come: a list of take-out foods that the Captain can eat, trust me, it will be a short post). There was a teenaged girl in front of me in line who was pretty and had amazing teeth and long blonde hair. The two boys behind the counter were IDIOTS, absolute idiots in her presence. They clearly knew each other from school and one boy, when the girl called him by name, blushed until I thought his head would explode and stood there grinning dumbly, completely unable to answer her question or engage in any kind of conversation. The other one, in an attempt to win attention, made a series of “girls are weak and dumb” style jokes and then finished up his stand-up routine with a lame, “Um, I guess that wasn’t very funny, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” And the girl quietly and very nicely said, “That’s okay,” but you could tell she was thinking OH NO YOU DIDN’T, JERK.

I have to say, this week my fears of future teen pregnancy has been greatly reduced. It just doesn’t seem likely that between the snow surfing and the ridiculous teenaged social interactions that any of today’s teenaged boys will be fathering children any time soon. In fact, the entire future of the human race may be in jeopardy.

Oh man, I am NOT looking forward to the teen years.

10 thoughts on “Apocalpyse Now

  1. CapnPLanet

    This is funny, yes, but you’re looking at it the wrong way. The girls want to get laid just as much as the boys do (OK, maybe not at quite as early an age and not with the same fervor, but they do). If the entire male half of the race was as dorky as your anecdote suggests, it wouldn’t matter – women would collectively lower their standards. And who know, maybe we are, and maybe they have…

  2. Your post is hilarious. CapnPlanet’s comment is somewhat terrifying.

    The bit about the insane sledding reminded me of a time when we were at a birthday party at a kids’ play place. They had a HUGE ball pit with great big slides the kids could climb up to slide into the ball pit. They also had little ride-on cars in a separate play area. At one point I saw a father place one of the ride-on cars up at the top of a slide, then place his two-year-old son on top of the car, so that his son could ride down the slide into the ball pit. Does that sound like a GOOD IDEA?!? It was only because an employee of the play place noticed and asked the man to cease and desist that the child didn’t go plummeting down the slide toward certain death.

    Anyway, my point is that that idiot managed to get a woman to father his child, so I’m inclined to think CapnPlanet has a point.

  3. Sara

    And to think there will be three of them living in my house….

    Forget grocery bills and giant shoes and the smell and mess – the 101 absurd ways they will endanger their life on a daily basis frightens me!

  4. Oh, haha! You kill me. Frequently I think this way, having two boys myself. My husband often says he is happy he doesn’t have girls, because of the teen years. I counter with – yes, but JACKASS. Jackass was created by boys. Yes, but MORONS. Honestly. Teenage boys are complete idiots. It’s amazing they don’t fall down more.

    By the way, have you seen that Modern Family where Alex confronts the geeky guys tormenting her brother and Manny? They’re all like “Alex knows my name!” And she has the best line ever, said to her sister “You have your fans, I have my fans. One day, your fans will be working for my fans.”

  5. Sorry. I meant to be funny but realized later that the comment was neither funny nor helpful. What I could have said – not funny either but maybe more helpful – is, ‘Keep them busy. Very busy.’ A lesson learned from one who came out the other side and now has (honest!) wonderful, responsible adult BOYS! Well, adult on paper anyway…

  6. Sasha

    Honestly, I’m amazed any of us survived out teens sometimes. I have vivid memories of hurtling down the Gardiner Expressway, paying more attention to the guy I was trying to beat home than, say, the guardrail. And that was before spending a summer learning to fly planes. With 17-18 year old boys. Who liked to buzz the beach at Grand Bend.

    Come to think of it, most of that stuff involved hanging with the guys. Clearly not my fault. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  7. What is it with teenaged boys and their pants? is my question. My own two are 6 and 4, but the middle-teen boys up the street walk around with their pants halfway down their thighs…none of the girls I see walking around the neighbourhood seem particularly impressed with this so-called style…so perhaps there is another very good reason to step back a bit and say ‘na, they’re not ready for fatherhood’…maybe.


    LOL, this was a funny post.

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