The fabulous and hilarious Bibliomama tagged me for a meme, what was it, like, a hundred years ago? So I figure I should do it, because Bibliomama is AWESOME. Seriously, she is number one on my list of Blogs You Will Later Kick Yourself For Not Reading Earlier. Check her out!

Anyway. Meme. I am supposed to list seven things you don’t know about me. But that’s so hard. I mean, how do I know what you know, you know? So instead, I present:

The Top Seven Most Bad-Ass Things I Have Ever Done

Stop laughing, Sir Monkeypants.

1. One time when I was in Grade 8 or so, I lost a book from the public library. The library kept calling to say that it was overdue, and I swore up and down that I had returned it (I really thought I had), so my mom went toe-to-toe with them over it. The library was all tough, though, so eventually my mom ponied up the fine, which was something like $25 at this point, a small fortune to my poor single mother. Then, about a year later, we found the book in the basement behind some boxes. Oops. To this day, my mother is still the proud owner of “20 Most Infamous Murder Cases.”

2. I was a real goody-goody in high school, and this one time, my mother was going out for the evening and Footloose was on TV. I really wanted to see this movie, but it was rated AA. So I asked my mother if I could watch it while she was out, and she said, “I don’t know this movie, what do you think?” and I said, “Well, I haven’t seen it either but it’s rated AA, so I guess that means something,” and she said, “Well, it’s up to you, but I guess you shouldn’t watch it,” AND SO I DIDN’T.

Obviously, that is not the badass part.

So a few months later, my older sister, her best friend Claudia, and I were watching movies in the basement. We did not have a VCR, so sometimes for a special treat my mother would rent a laserdisc player and a few movies for the weekend. We were watching Flashdance, which my mother had rented for us because we all took dancing lessons and she thought we would like it. However, there was a scene in it set in a strip club, in which topless women were visible. BOOBIES. And instead of running upstairs to tell my mom all about it, with my eyes shielded from the horror, I just watched it. And then we rewound and rewatched that scene, like, 15 times.


3. Once I was in a bar with some friends at Halloween — I was dressed as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, of course, because she is the patron saint of badass. I got up to dance, and while I was shaking my booty my friends gave up the table we had been sitting at and moved to a small elevated platform that was behind the table area, overlooking the dance floor. When I came back, I spotted them on the platform and instead of walking around the tables area and using the stairs, duh, I got up on one of the tables and walked across the table tops, until I could climb over the railing and get onto the plaform. Along the way I spilled at least a half dozen drinks and almost flipped off a table, but did I care? No, because stairs are for sissies, and I am one non-sissy badass. Funny that the waitstaff at the bar did not quite see it that way.

4. Natural freakin’ childbirth. Bad. Ass.

5. One time I was at the Superstore and I didn’t pay for the flat of pop that I had at the very bottom of the cart. By the time I realized my mistake, I was out in the parking lot in the rain, with all three kids already buckled into their car seats. So I loaded the Diet Pepsi in the van and drove on home, because you guessed it…I am badass.

6. In university, there was a huge scavenger hunt every term called the SCUNT. Most of the action took place around Waterloo, but there were always at least one or two road trips as well. One year I did the road trip to Toronto, and my friend BarkyShark and I took the segment of questions/challlenges that were all on the Toronto subway. We were totally rocking the list, completing everything with ease, and were on our way to the check-in point with just one item left. The last remaining thing was to get a poster that said, “Elvis is alive,” which was an obvious reference to a common subway ad at the time for Caramilk bars. As luck would have it, such a poster was directly over our heads as we made the final trip to the check-in, so I gingerly stood on my seat and tried to pull it down.

(The whole while, by the way, BarkyShark was warning me that this was a really, really bad idea, because she is so NOT badass.)

So I pulled down the poster, and as it turned out, we were in the same car as the whistle-blowing/door closing guy, and he came storming out of his little office there and told us he had CALLED THE COPS, and we were SHAKING IN OUR BOOTS. But then he got some sort of call on the radio that the train that the subway cops were delayed and the train had to move on, and so he just took our poster and kicked us off the train, and I think it’s safe to say that we both PEED OUR PANTS.

Plus, we left the SCUNT list on the subway in our haste to run away, and had to recreate it completely from memory at the check-in point, which we did, because, of course, BADASS.

7. One time when I was 16, I talked my mother into letting me go to an overnight party in Toronto with a bunch of girl and guy friends, and looking back now, what the HELL was my mother thinking? Anyway, one of my 17-year-old friends borrowed her dad’s sports car to drive us there, and it had a sunroof on it. While we were on the highway she opened the sunroof and I thought it would totally rock if I stood up in the back seat and stuck my head out and whooped a bit, so I did. It turns out it was raining slightly, and when raindrops hit your face at 100 clicks, they hurt rather a lot. But did I pull my head back in? No, no I did not. Because sticking heads out of sunroofs is cool, and badass chicks do not let a little thing like potentially losing an eye interfere with their coolness. You’d know that, if you were badass like me.

Challenge: Name seven badass moments of your own, and just TRY to outdo me. Except for you, Meanie — you’ll kick my ass!

8 thoughts on “Seven

  1. Ohmygod, this made me laugh. My badass moments will certainly not beat yours. In fact, they will probably totally be on par with yours, because your version of badass is so totally my version of badass.

  2. You just made me shoot grapefruit juice out of my nose!

    Re #5 — are you on Facebook? If we were Facebook friends you would have seen the a couple of weeks ago I went to the gym then went down to Loblaws, got groceries, had to use the self-checkout and accidentally stole a case of DIET PEPSI. Then I went to the liquor store and accidentally stole some rum, but that’s another story. I feel so close to you right now.

    You’re so badass. Just having you as a friend makes me feel a little dirty.

  3. OK, all day long as I’ve been cleaning the house and doing laundry I’ve been trying to think of anything I’ve done that’s been badass. I mean, like, even something that’s just barely badass if you look at it sideways while squinting. Finally I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not at all badass like you, Lynn. I’m badass like your friend BarkyShark. Which is to say, of course, I am not badass at all.


  4. betsy mae

    Funny post! I’m sooooo NOT sharing all my bad ass moments. I wasn’t exactly a bad ass but I certainly did some STUPID things in my lifetime.

  5. Oh, I know ALL about Bibliomama. And I am so not Bad Ass. In fact, if we had hung out as teenagers? You would totally have been the bad influence out of the two of us.

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