Welcome to the Turtlehead Toy Hospital. Time for rounds.

Our first patient is a small birdhouse that was created by Gal Smiley at a birthday party. Sadly, the dress she was wearing while making this craft did not survive the process; soon after, the house itself developed a critical crack in the base.

Today, our doctors treated the split with super glue and a clamp. Prognosis is excellent; expected to make a full physical recovery. However, we can do nothing about the birdhouse’s ongoing guilt issues surrounding the dress.

Next patient is a large “diamond” ring from the same birthday party. Finger loop was radically severed from the jewel section in a terrible accident of curiosity. Pieces have been united with super glue. Prognosis is good; glue appears to be holding and the ring will be sent back in for another round, this time with a warning about curiosity and cats.

Beloved miniature pink plane, believed to have originated in a Christmas cracker or perhaps a gumball machine. Developed an obvious crack midsection that resulted in many, many tears. Prognosis is excellent; super glue repair is holding, but may find bathtub visits to be limited in the future.

Red bug-like creature, ignored for months before launching into superstar favourite toy status for three short days. Crazy fame cycle brought to an abrupt halt with the loss of a leg. Prognosis is fair; after a rough night, superglue now appears to be holding, but legs continue to be delicate. May never see those halcyon days of boy-love again, but will survive to live out his days happily in the famous box, no doubt regaling the other toys endlessly with tales of his days in “the show.”

Next patient is a beater from a toy mixer. After surviving being thrown, dropped, soaked in water, dropped again, sat on, dropped again, and leaky batteries, couldn’t quite make it through a visit with Little Miss Sunshine. Thankfully prognosis is excellent; repair was easy and is holding well, and most likely patient will survive to be dropped many more times in the future.

This patient, a princess crown, has been in a few times and we are beginning to suspect a pattern of abuse may be at work. In this case, a bad break in the band resisted all attempts at gluing and we had to break out the duct tape. Duct tape is currently holding but patient is still in critical condition. We are considering holding this patient for further rest and review.

Update: The duct tape is NOT holding. Call a Code Blue!

Our last patient is a fashion flower earring, admitted for shock and stress after losing its partner in a horrible, unspeakable superglue accident that resulted in the superglue protective gloves being glued to a very nice and innocent pink v-neck t-shirt. Hopefully tranquilizers and maybe a new pairing with a simple “diamond” will bring about some recovery.

We’ll continue to monitor all patients overnight and expect most to be released in the morning.