I know I’m not the most optimistic person about love at the moment.
I mean, several months ago, when it became clear my marriage was kaput, my friend’s son got married (hi Lee Ann!). She showed me the pictures and the wedding was absolutely gorgeous, romantic and fun. The bride and groom had been together for years and were perfect for each other.
But still, a little part inside me was screaming at the bride, run, Shawna, run.
(I do realize my own baggage was a factor there. It’s probably a good thing I was not invited or I may have had a Speak Now moment.)
But still, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to love someone, and more than that, what it means to be partnered with someone.
It seems the very height of improbability.
I mean, here is someone you have to feel completely at ease with. They should give you that feeling like when you get home at the end of the day and sigh, slide out of your work shoes and into sweats, fully comfortable. This is not someone you have to be guarded or fake around. They’ve seen the best and the worst and they know who you are, and they’re still here.
But this is also someone you have to trust enough to be there when you call for help. Whether it’s hiding the bodies or finding a way to make that year exchange in Spain you always wanted come true or making you a cup of tea when you Just Can’t Even, you know they’ll be there. They are comfort and support, they got your back, they are your person.
And on top of that, they also have to be someone you are physically attracted to, someone you’d like to get your hands on. Someone snuggly who you really want to make feel good, who is hot enough that you can get past the icky parts of bodies and go straight to the delicious parts, on a regular basis.
It just seems like something magical and rare and quite unlikely.
I mean, I’m not saying it can’t happen.
But I am saying, if you have it, understand the miracle it is that you found all these things in one other person, and maybe figure out their love language if you haven’t yet, and buy them flowers or tell them they did a good job today or give them a hug just because or book a date night with them, as is their preference, from time to time.
TurtleHead 
You might be interested in Eli Finkel’s book The All or Nothing Marriage. He tracks a bit of the history of marriage (from when marriage was essential for survival – like the combining of two households for food and economic security) through to what we expect of a life partner now, and what seems to make for healthier and more realistic expectations in a marriage. At least I’ve found it very interesting and thought provoking (and he’s been on several podcasts if you want to just hear the highlights without the book). Also, how marriage changes throughout the course of one’s marriage and what attracted us in the first place isn’t what keeps us together or keeps a marriage thriving. Much more complicated than any fairy tale would have use believe….
This sounds just like what I was thinking, thanks so much Lisa! Will read.
I’ve had the same thoughts about parenting sometimes. When I see a young woman glowing with joy about the upcoming birth of a child, I think, “Oh goodness, she has NO idea what’s ahead!” I have two children, no regrets, and I’d do it again, but it has torn me apart sometimes. Long-term relationships are the same. I’ve been married more than three decades, no regrets, and I’d do it again, but there have been challenges.