We have a card game we like to play as a family, called Pit.
The way Pit works is, everyone gets a “hand” of cards of mixed resources. Then, at the shout of Go, everyone attempts to make trades of cards in their hands at once, back and forth, trying to get a matching set of one resources. There are no turns, everyone just yells out trade offers like in a real stock exchange pit, until someone has a set and calls an end to it all. It’s delightfully chaotic.
One catch is that there are two special cards in the game. The Bull card is wild, and you can use it in place of any required resource.
The Bear card is bad news. When holding the bear, you cannot declare a winning set, even if you have one in your hands, and it counts as negative points against you on your journey to the eventual win.
We used to play this game at holidays as you can play with many people and it’s suitable for a wide range of ages.
But we rarely play anymore and that’s because we have a problem, and that problem is this:
I hold The Bear.
When you have The Bear, the goal is to trade it away to some sucker as fast as possible. Get someone to believe you’re offering two wheat when really it’s a wheat and a bear. Get someone to buy in that your offering has “never been seen” and then giggle with relief when they take The Bear off your hands.
But I can’t do it. I can’t pass The Bear to anyone else. If someone gives me The Bear, I just hold it in resignation.
Eventually my kids in particular caught on to this and realized what was happening. And now we don’t play any more – or at least, they won’t play with me – because me holding The Bear spoils the game.
It’s an ironic thing that I can’t pass on The Bear because I just can’t hurt them. But it’s also, apparently, no fun.
Good or bad, I have to say, “She Held The Bear” might be the best description of my personality of all time. Please put that on my gravestone.
It’s who I am, I’m a bear-holder. I’m starting to see it’s not always a good thing. It’s definitely not always an appreciated thing.
But I’m not sure, at this point, if I’ll ever be able to change. Acting in your own self-interest is a hard thing to learn, it seems.
TurtleHead 
So interesting. Of course, looking after yourself first means you are available and better-resourced to look after others as well, so it does help others when you prioritize yourself. But there’s a lot here that I get curious about – and while it may be hard to learn, I do believe people can (and do) change! It’s not about doing one or the other, but learning when all the different options can be most effectively leveraged. And you are learning. So way to go you!
Oooohhhhh… so THAT’s why you always crushed at Trees at poker night!
FWIW, I swung way too far in the other direction and now I only think about myself which makes me rather unBEARable to be with. But now that I’ve had a taste of that, it’s hard for me to move backward, even just a bit, to find a balance. Sure, I’d die on a sword for a very chosen few, but in general, I know I’m far too selfish for the general population’s comfort. Especially being female.
Finding that balance is hard. I’ll try my best not to give you a Bear in the first place so at least I don’t put any additional burden on you!