I am, apparently, a slut

Last night I went to my friend’s Fantasia party. It was purely the appeal of a night out, and the potential for eating a lot of brownies, that led me to go. Plus, everyone else was going, and the peer pressure got to me.

Right away, we were handed an order form and a festive pencil with a purple plastic penis on the end of it (circumcised, with testicles attached for extra realism). It’s amazing how holding a miniature fake purple penis can actually put you in the mood to talk about sex. Although, the mood was kind of ruined when we speculated about what would happen if one of our kids got hold of the pencil and choked on the end of it, causing us to have quite an interesting moment trying to explain to the emergency room doctor what, exactly, our kid was choking on.

The saleslady was pretty cool and set us at ease for the most part. Knowing her audience, she mostly focused on creams and massage oils and the like, all of which were pretty yummy (there was lots and lots of taste testing). She kept the hardcore stuff hidden, but near the end she did break out a few eyebrow-raising items like a vibrator shaped like a goose that spins around while lighting up in a rainbow of colours (suitable for landing planes and directing traffic), and a bra made out of 550 little candies (“I’ll just watch a little TV, dear, while you’re working on that — let me know when you get to the good part if you haven’t slipped into a diabetic coma”).

I wound up buying a nice pair of jammies that are pretty tame — kind of like yoga pants with a tank top. But even then, they are apparently too risque for breakfast at the Jatania household. I was wearing them this morning and the first thing Captain Jelly Belly said when he saw me was, “Where’s your shirt?” I guess the flannel snugglies I usually wear provide a wee bit more coverage!

Overall it wasn’t too embarrassing (although, when she pulled out the light-up vibrator my friend Andrea did say that she wished she had a camera, in order to capture the look of horror on my face). If I was interested in dropping $150 or so on a sex toy (these things aren’t cheap), then I think it would be better to buy one among friends, and with a nice lady showing off all the features (because heaven knows, I wouldn’t know what exactly to do with the goose). But still, next time, a nice Tupperware party is probably more my speed.