This week we will be a TV Ratings Family for Canada. That means we have to record, on a detailed survey, exactly what we are watching, and who is watching it, every moment of every day for a week. The survey company called us last week to ask if we would be interested, and because I don’t really do much during the day except eat bonbons and surf the web, I said, “YOU KNOW IT, BAD BOY.”

Actually I’m rather excited about the prospect of having total, wide-reaching influence on what gets shown on TV in Canada. I can hardly wait until next Tuesday, when I will proudly mark the 9-10pm hour as showing VERONICA MARS, Thank You Very Much. And I’m sure they will care so much that someone out there will be like, “Oh man! Someone is watching! Give that show a fourth season!” Also I am looking forward to standing up and being counted as one of the bazillions who watches Grey’s Anatomy and Heroes. They really can’t get enough love.

When our survey arrived in the mail, enclosed was their “gift to me,” a brand-new five dollar bill. Five bucks! Now I can have a coffee AND a doughnut as I support my favourite shows. Sweet!

Oh, and I forgot to mention, there are a few spots on the survey for “visitors,” so if someone is over at our place and flips on the TV, we can record that. So if there’s a marginal show that you want to save, now is the time! Come on over and get yourself counted at the Neilson-Turtlehead household.

Since our beloved shrimp Jacques died last week, we’ve had a resurgence of algae in our fish tank. So a couple of days ago, I went over to Big Al’s for a new solution. This time, I decided, no more shrimp — instead we’d get a Pleco, which is a kind of catfish that likes to eat algae.

Unfortunately the Plecos had a big problem — they were very, very ugly. Seriously ugly. Big hairy things with huge sucker mouths and a general bad attitude. The smallest ones they had were already at least four times as big as the wee guppies we keep in the tank, and likely to grow even bigger. Blech.

Luckily, the guy working there had a new idea for me — I just love the way that all the staff at Big Al’s speaks with absolute authority as they offer you a completely different opinion as the last employee you talked to. Anyway, this dude recommended Otto Cats, which are really tiny catfish. They’ll eat the algae but they never grow bigger than an inch or two long…and, they are just the cutest little dudes ever!

They like to have a friend so we brought two of them home, Jacques and Jacques. They’re so adorable. We refer to one as “Focused Jacques” because the moment he was in the tank, he latched on to a corner of the wall and started systematically cleaning, millimeter by millimeter, row by row. The other is called “ADD Jacques” because he can never stay in one place for longer than 10 seconds at a time — he has to dash from one patch to another to another until he collapses, exhausted, on a rock for a rest.

Both are doing excellent work, although due to their different work ethics, they don’t seem to be very social with each other. It’s kind of like having a Republican and a Democrat in the tank — never the twain shall meet. I love the Otto Cats so much though, I’m trying to convince that we need some more. A whole gang! The Otto Cat Crips!

The scariest thing that I can imagine happened to me today. I was picking up Captain Jelly Belly from preschool, and Gal Smiley was standing right behind me, making silly faces at the baby brother of another kid in CJB’s class. I put CJB’s coat on, which took no more than one minute, and when I turned around again, Gal Smiley was gone. Totally vanished.

I can definitely say that I have never felt such panic. I sat CJB down with strict instructions not to move and ran up and down the hallway, into every classroom. I’m sure everyone thought I’d gone crazy — I was wild with worry, and I was barely able to keep my voice from cracking as I yelled out, “Has anyone seen my daughter?” The teachers who heard me understood my fears right away and immediately started looking too.

I didn’t find her in any of the rooms so I ran for the outer door, and just as I flew it open, I found another one of the moms bringing her back up the steps. It turned out that she had just followed along or been swept up in a big group of kids that were heading out, and went out too. I got to her just as I could see the “Where’s my mommy?” panic rising on her own face. I calmed her down right away with lots of hugs and kisses but all the way home she couldn’t stop saying, “I went outside! I went outside!” in a very confused voice — she just didn’t understand how it had all happened.

I didn’t either. I’ve heard abduction stories on the news and the parents always say, “I just turned my back for a second.” It’s hard to believe but now, I know it’s true. It’s very hard, but as a parent, you do have to physically take your eyes off of your kids every now and again — you can’t keep them all in your eyesight all the time, and eventually you just have to trust that the other one will be there when you swing back around in 30 or 60 seconds. It amazed me how fast Gal Smiley could get away from me in such a short time — that she was all the way outside, in the parking lot, I’m sure will cause me no end of nightmares. Luckily we were in an environment where everyone had little kids, and the cars in the lot are very kid-focused, so I’m sure she was never in any real danger, and there were plenty of grown ups around to find her and reunite us quickly. But man, I just can’t stop thinking about it. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my body that my heart didn’t stop racing for an hour, and I could barely bring myself to stop hugging poor Gal Smiley.

Even now I’m getting teary eyed just thinking about the whole thing. I can’t say what I would have done differently at the time, but on the next school day I’ll probably have Gal Smiley tied to me at the waist. It’s a crazy, scary world out there, and I found out today what crazy and scary really mean.

Captain Jelly Belly and Gal Smiley like this show called Wonder Pets, in which a guinea pig, a baby duck, and a turtle save other animals in peril. On each episode, as they prepare to go on their animal-saving journey, they sing their little theme song, which goes like this:

What’s gonna work? Teeeeamwork!
What’s gonna work? Teeeeamwork!

One day after watching the show several times before, CJB asked me, “Why do they keep forgetting what is going to work?” And I said, “What?” And he said, “They have to keep asking each other, what’s going to work, can’t they remember?” And I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Then I spent an hour trying to explain the concept of “rhetorical question” to a 3-year-old. Yeah, my life…you know you waaaaaant it.

Yesterday I was at the Hazeldean Mall with Captain Jelly Belly, and this mall has a series of fountains along the inside. The Captain always asks for a penny so he can make a wish in the fountain. Every time he wishes it’s the same: “I wish I had french fries and McNuggets.”

Yesterday he asked for a penny and I handed him one and was ready to hear the usual wish. But instead he said, “I wish I could stay at home with Mommy and Daddy forever.”

Aaaand my heart turned into a puddle of mush.

With my past pregnancies I didn’t have the pregnant-lady weird craving thing, most just food aversions. Green stuff and orange stuff was pretty much out; otherwise, if it was edible, I ate it. Although, does love to tell the story of that one time I was pregnant with Gal Smiley, and I asked him to get me a hot dog from the Dairy Queen drive through. Upon reception of the hot dog I huddled over it in a corner of the car in a feral position that loudly proclaimed, “Touch my hot dog and DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!” It was a pretty good hot dog.

This time around I’ve had a couple of actual cravings. In the early days it was all about the orange juice — I had to have several cups a day. After that I went through a melted cheese phase, where if you had put melted cheese on an old hard drive, I probably would have eaten it. Lately I’ve been kind of into an oatmeal thing.

Yesterday, while grocery shopping with Gal Smiley, I was headed for the checkout when I passed a display of cereals. Suddenly a rumbly voice inside me said, “BUY THE SHREDDIES.” I just HAD to have the Shreddies. Nothing was coming between me and Shreddies. I became an unstoppable Shreddie machine, which is weird, since I haven’t paid that particular brand too much attention in the past.

I raced to the checkout with my prize, where the poor checkout lady had to deal not only with me, and my unspoken, “Check out the Shreddies first, lady, and no one gets hurt,” but also Gal Smiley’s growling, which meant, “Give back the Care Bears Jelly Fruit Snacks RIGHT NOW or I’m going to have to get medieval on your ass!” We raced to the car and once I gave Gal Smiley her Care Bears Snacks, I jumped in the driver’s seat and opened the box of Shreddies.

We were on our way to pick up the Captain from nursery school and on the way there, I ate about half the box. In 10 minutes. Since then I’ve had several more handfuls, basically scooping some out every time I pass the kitchen. This box probably won’t last past the weekend. I should have bought the Club Pack size!

I guess the baby is happy because I haven’t heard any more scary voices…but I hope it doesn’t come out looking like a giant Shreddie. Hey, there’s a name idea…Shreddie TurtleHead!

Lately the Captain has entered a new phase of life in which his primary occupation is, “Birthday Party Guest.” He should probably have business cards made up. Every weekend we are either shopping for birthday presents or attending one (or more) parties. I guess it’s a combination of his social circle widening, due to preschool, and that he’s at the age when kids can start to really anticipate and enjoy an afternoon of games, cake, and presents. Mmmm…cake.

This past weekend I took the Captain to a party for a girl in his class, the first time he’s gone to a party where I don’t really know the parents very well. I stayed the whole time, which I thought was going to be the standard, but apparently, the 4-year-old party is the one when parents start dropping off their kids and saying, “Have a great time honey, see ya after we spend two hours catching up on our Oscar movie nominees.” I was the only other parent there, which was a little weird, but until the Captain is comfortable enough with his food allergies to know what he can and can’t eat, I’ll be staying with him at all parties involving food for a while at least.

Staying with him at the party was pretty eye-opening in one major respect. The Captain is pretty good looking, if I do say so myself, and something about his quiet and sensitive demeanor has made him something of a hit with the ladies. All of the girls there knew his name and the birthday girl in particular was very excited to see him. It’s not like they were hanging all over him or anything but I was just surprised at the attention he was getting, especially considering he seems completely oblivious to it, being only interested in playing cars or trains with his buddy Young Carl Sagan. Of course, his indifference probably only makes him more of a catch.

He’s a cutie pie!

Yesterday I had my ultrasound (I’m 19 weeks now) and got a good look at George Foreman Jatania III. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I’m totally giddy about it. I thought that, the third time around, everything would be old hat, and I’d be happy and everything, but not so silly about it all. But yesterday at the ultrasound clinic I was just bubbling over with joy. The little one is looking great, all the parts are there and working well, and I can’t wait to meet the little squisher.

Since Sir Monkeypants was at home with our other two squirts, I asked for a picture from the ultrasound session, which costs a shocking $5. In the waiting room after my ultrasound, I was paying my fee and then practically jumping up and down looking at the fuzzy black-and-white shot. Another couple was waiting their turn and the woman said, not unkindly, “Five dollars for a picture of a jellybean.” And I said to her with a totally glowing face, “It was SO WORTH IT!” She smiled — I think she knew how I felt.

Yay George!

For Christmas, Santa brought Captain Jelly Belly an aquarium and three orange guppies. Since then, and I have been totally paranoid about keeping the fish alive, and every day there’s a long discussion about how the tank is doing, how the fish are doing, have you checked the fish today, do you think they need more food, less food, different food, and do you think those bigger two are ostracizing the smaller one? It’s all very tense.

A few weeks ago the tank broke out in a massive infestation of brown algae. Apparently this is not uncommon for new tanks but we completely freaked out. We called our fish source, my brother-in-law, and he offered lots of helpful suggestions, including getting a new algae-eating fish. We decided to go for it (although we’re still not sure about the social groupings in the tank and how a new fish might affect the gang wars in there). When I went to the fish store, though, they told me that keeping an algae-eating catfish around is pretty hard work, and instead, I should get a shrimp.

So we brought home Jacques, who was very very ugly and creepy, but set to work on the algae right away. We named him Jacques after the shrimp in the movie Finding Nemo (think, “He is clean!” spoken in a French accent). I kind of liked to watch the little guy — he was a super fast swimmer and when he clung to the side to pick off the algae, it was pretty cool.

I’ve been meaning to make a post about Jacques for a few days now, because of this strange ability he has to disappear for days at a time, then suddenly reappear like he’s been on a shrimp vacation in the Hamptons and nothing is out of the ordinary. Seriously, there have been multiple times when we have searched everywhere in the tank for him — under rocks, behind the filter, under the gravel even — and he eludes us. The first time this happened we were convinced he’d gotten out of the tank somehow and was gone for good, but after 24 hours he magically reappeared, giving us a look like, “What? A dude needs to get away from time to time.” Since then he’s vanished several more times, sometimes for more than a day, but he always comes back.

This morning, sadly, I found Jacques easily in the tank — he passed away in the night. I’m surprised how sad I feel about it. He was a cool little guy. I only hope he’s gone to the shrimp Hamptons in the sky.

Last night I was watching Veronica Mars with Sir Monkeypants and I mentioned that the sheriff on the show, played by Michael Muhney, would be a great TheRarGuy in a movie about his life. Sir Monkeypants wholeheartedly agrees, so RarGuy, consider yourself cast!