If I Were Famous

I work from home, so I spend a great deal of time wandering about my house in my jammies with a cup of tea and bowl full of Skittles.

This sometimes leads me to imagine how different my life would be if I were famous. By “famous” I specifically mean for acting or singing or modelling, or something else where my physical appearance was part of the package, as opposed to for writing or winning a Nobel Prize for Economics or whistle blowing on the addictive properties of the brightly-coloured hard candy industry.

Once I saw an interview of Madonna (I believe it was in her Carpool Singalong with James Cordon) where she talked about how she’s totally un-glam at home. She prefers sweatpants and no makeup and only puts on the Rock Star when she’s leaving the house.

But even then, I imagine she has to be camera-ready at all times. No matter how much she likes to slob it around at home, she must have to hit the gym at least every other day, if not every day, just in case she gets called in for a photo shoot or interview or red carpet event.

And she must have to watch what she eats all the time, because she can’t be getting a giant pimple just before some big awards show or something. Plus all those gowns and designer clothes would be expensive to replace if she gained even one pound, so while slumming it in her sweatpants she’d still have to stick to salads and carbonated water.

And if she did want to leave her house, even if it’s only in the car to hit the McDonald’s drive through for a black coffee, then she has to worry about someone taking her picture, so a minimum amount of makeup and hairstyling would be required. Even Madonna, I’m thinking, does not keep a full time makeup person on staff so if I were her, I’d have to spend a lot more time learning how to actually apply makeup so I don’t look like a circus clown, and maybe buy some hairspray.

And if I were someone like Angelina Jolie, then every time I left the house I’d have to worry about my outfit and whether or not it makes me look too fat or too skinny or too rich or too menopausal, because people are going to comment on that. So, for a random example, I wouldn’t be able to drop my kid at school wearing my jammies and Bogs and a Girl Guide toque like I did this morning.

Not to mention the fact that I’d have to make sure every one of my kids was properly turned out whenever we were leaving the house, not just physically, but mentally too – happy and shiny and ready for the world, and not likely to be screaming “I HATE YOU YOU’RE THE WORST MOTHER EVER” in the aisles of Shoppers Drug Mart in a half hour or so.

And then I feel like maybe it’s a good thing that I am not a famous person, because clearly I am not cut out for that lifestyle, even though (just between you and me, please keep this hush-hush) I wrote that achieving fame was my number one life goal in my Grade 11 summer camp yearbook.

On the other hand, if I had a jagillion dollars and a full-time chef and full-time maid and full-time assistant to constantly monitor all my social media feeds for me, maybe I’d have a little more time for glamming it up. I’ll let you know when I get there.

5 thoughts on “If I Were Famous

  1. Zhu

    I must say one of the things I love about being a freelancer is that I can wear whatever I want. I live in jeans and shorts, although I never work in my PJ (… because I don’t have one!). I do need to be “ready to go out” in order to work, though. I’m pretty low maintenance but I still have this getting ready to work routine even though I’m not going to the office.

  2. I’m sure it was talking to you (or commenting to you, or something) that made me coin the phrase “doorbell ready.” I now strive to be doorbell ready by a reasonable time every morning. This is partly so I don’t scare the UPS, and Canada Post, and Intelcom delivery people who ring our doorbell regularly during the holiday season, and it’s also because at least one kid tends to have at least one activity every night. If I didn’t get out of my PJs by nine(ish) I would completely lose track of time, and never get dressed, and end up taking kids to activities in my pyjamas, and while PJ drop-offs at 8:00 a.m. are somewhat socially accepted, I don’t think the same is true by the time it’s 8:00 p.m.

  3. Lily

    Not only do I work from home and look totally non-glamorous on a regular basis, I currently have an allergic skin reaction happening on the skin all around my eyes. So I have a lovely, uncomfortable red patch around each eye, including on the eyelids. If I were a famous person in public, I would probably be getting talked about as if I had some sort of disease or weird drug addiction.

    I’m pretty sure that Madonna has a heck of a staff, just based on things I’ve read or seen with other, lower-level celebrities. I can’t imagine what having staff must do to you experience of life. On the one hand, I would probably feel like I couldn’t exit my room without having to feel like I needed to be “on” in some way for the people who were around. But on the other hand, I would have people to do all the niggling little stuff that I don’t want to do.

  4. nicoleboyhouse

    I think about that all the time, about what it must be like to always be followed by paparazzi. You’d have to be on your game every second, because god forbid you eat a big lunch and then are splashed all across tabloids with “pregnant again?” captions.

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