Lady of the Flies

I never did figure out what was causing the bad smell in our laundry room; eventually it just seemed to fade away, and by the time we got back from our trip the house smelled normal again. Clearly, however, something was rotting in there that should not have been there, because now we are having an ant situation. I am so totally freaked out. We are currently weighing our ant-fighting options, so for now, I just go in there every morning and slay dozens and dozens of ants and then attempt to do some laundry as if it’s no big deal. Meanwhile, I’m dying inside from an excess of heebie jeebies.

The ant problem is in addition to an ongoing housefly problem we have around here. Every morning Sir Monkeypants takes out 4-6 flies in our upstairs bathroom. What the hell, flies? Where are they coming from? Why do they feel the need to be so clean? Maybe they’re attracted to the smell of moisturizer and baby powder. In any case, I am SO terribly over finding several dead flies in my bathtub every morning. Did I mention the heebie jeebies?

And then there’s the bees and the wasps. At least four times in the past month, there’s been a stinging type insect in the house. The kids have handled it much better than I have; I have a minor bug phobia and in every stinging bug case I have gotten the bug outside, then totally FREAKED OUT. Yesterday I was wiping up the kitchen counter and I saw something fluffy sitting there by the stove so I picked it up to throw it out and IT WAS A BEE. IN MY HAND. Have I told you about the HEEBIE JEEBIES?

Just now I found two spiders in the kids’ snack cabinet. Plus those little gnats continue to plague me every time I go outside to water the lawn — I ate two yesterday while taking the kids for an after-dinner bike ride.

Oh, and to top it all off, I’ve been reading up on head lice in preparation for the school year. Now I feel like my whole head is on fire and I cannot resist the urge to scratch. Plus, I may have mentioned it, the HEEBIE JEEBIES.

Thank goodness mosquito season is over or I’d have no recourse but to encase myself in Saran Wrap and hide in my room until December.