Author: Lynn

Story teller. Web designer. Party planner. Pie maker.

Starring Captain Jelly Belly as Luke Skywalker

On By LynnIn TurtleHead3 Comments

We had a rather momentous event here the other day. I finally watched Star Wars with Captain Jelly Belly.

Star Wars is my favourite movie. It was the first movie I ever saw in the theatre. I was six years old and the theatre was an old-style, giant room with plush red velvet seats. Hundreds of people sharing the same experience, laughing and gasping and cheering at the movie — it was a magical event for me. It started a life-long love of film, and I still get a chill when I walk into a movie theatre. Since then I’ve seen Star Wars dozens of times and I can practically quote the entire movie verbatim. When I was in university I’d watch it whenever I felt sad or lonely or sick. One time I ran into a girl who had never seen it (CapnPlanet’s sister), and over dinner I described the whole movie to her, scene by scene. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen her since then. I’m sure she misses me.

(On this past Monday’s episode of How I Met Your Mother, by the way, we learned that Ted and Marshall are similar fans, thus confirming that HIMYM is the awesomest show on TV right now, and that I am Ted’s dream girl. Casting agents, call me!)

Over the years I’ve accumulated a few action figures and three or four small sets of Star Wars Lego. All of my Star Wars toys live in a shoe box that I keep on the highest shelf in the playroom. For the past several weeks, Captain Jelly Belly has asked for the box and I let him play with the stuff if he sits at the table and keeps it all out of reach of Little Miss Sunshine. The Captain is really excited about the Lego aspect and has built all manner of cars, space ships, and racing vehicles for the little action figures. He likes to play with his toys in some sort of context so he’s been asking a lot of questions about who the people are — their names, what their powers are, what the little light-sword things are for, that sort of thing.

One day last week the Captain was home sick with a bad cold. Gal Smiley was at school and the Little Miss was napping. CJB was playing with the Star Wars toys, as usual, so I thought, what the hell, it’s time. Let’s get out the DVD.

I had a few moments debate — should I start him on Episode IV, A New Hope, or Episode 1, The Phanom Menace? Like all true fans, it’s A New Hope that I worship, but there’s no denying that The Phantom Menace has real appeal to very young children, who can identify with the young Anakin and who love to play PodRacer. In the end though, I had to go with IV, since it’s the classic and besides, who can get enough of Han, Luke, and Leia? NOT ME, that’s who.

It was kind of important to me that the Captain like the movie. I mean, it’s not like I would send him back to the baby store or anything, but if he really didn’t like it at all, I would have to question his genetic background.

And the viewing itself went pretty well. I’ve seen it so many times that every scene is a great scene, a CLASSIC, as far as I’m concerned, but seeing it through his eyes reminded me how slow-moving and political it is at the beginning. Things don’t really pick up until Han, Luke, and Leia wind up in the trash compactor, and up until that point, I basically had to bribe the Captain to remain on the couch with chips and a juice box.

He really did like that trash compactor scene, though. Later, he cried a little bit when Obiwan vanished, but then he really liked the idea that he lived on as some sort of ghost-dad to Luke. (An idea that will probably screw him up for life, but for now, we can both live with it.)

He was very excited when Han returned to help Luke out.

Now he likes to pretend to be Luke, while Gal Smiley gets to be Leia (so fitting!). He likes my Star Wars Lego even more than before.

He’s already asking if we can watch it again.

That’s my boy.

Mix Master

On By LynnIn TurtleHead7 Comments

Lately I’ve been feeling like we just have too much stuff. When we were first married we had a 1000-square-foot 2-bedroom apartment, and we fit into it just fine. When we bought our first house — a mid-sized townhouse — it seemed too spacious to be believed. We had several closets that were empty. The unfinished basement had nothing but a few boxes and an old desk. Upstairs, the whole living/dining room was unfurnished, a giant room for just running around in or rolling around on the carpet. The space was incredible.

Now we’re in a four bedroom, two-and-a-half bath house and it feels like we’re starting to push the limit.

Sure, there are the kids, and they have lots and lots of kid-related things, from toys to clothes to books to sippy cups to diapers. We’re kind of using that stuff, though. I’d dearly love to cull the toys, in particular, but the kids always seem to notice. I’ll throw out one broken pair of sunglasses that they haven’t touched in six months, and the very next day it’ll be, “Where’s those pink sunglasses that I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART?” So not a lot of kid stuff gets disposed of around here.

But on top of all the kid junk, I also feel like I personally have too much crap. Every drawer seems full of random detritus that doesn’t have a purpose. Stuff falls out of every cupboard when you open it, stuff that I crammed in there because there it didn’t have a good location. I have half-used hair care products that I don’t use at all anymore. I have kitchen appliances that only see the light of day once a year, at best. I have cloth napkins that were a wedding gift twelve years ago that I have never used. EVER.

So recently I decided that I’d try to take just one drawer or cupboard, once a week, and go through it. Anything I hadn’t used in a year was gone — to charity, if possible, to the garbage if not.

I decided to start with one particular kitchen cabinet. It’s Little Miss Sunshine’s favourite cabinet to open and empty (aside from the snack cabinet, which is now locked). It was full to overflowing with rarely-used items like napkins, fancy placemats, and the fondue pot. Just about the only thing in the cupboard I ever used was my stand mixer — I do a ton of baking around here, since it’s so hard to buy baked goods that are egg and milk free — and it was getting pretty hard to get the mixer in and out of the cupboard.

My mixer, by the way, is probably my favourite kitchen appliance. It isn’t the most useful or anything like that, but I just love the thing. My mother is big on baking and her mixmaster is also her favourite kitchen appliance. When she’d pull out the mixer, we’d know that cookies and cakes and other sources of yummy goodness were not far away. My mom is the one who bought me my mixer — she saw it on a good sale back when I was in university. At the time I thought I would never use it much, and it was so big and such a pain to move around in my student days. But now I love it, I use it all the time, and it reminds me of my mom, so it has a nice sentimental quality, too.

When my mom bought the mixer, she worried about the fact that it had glass bowls. She thought they might break someday. But the bowls are very heavy and strong and I’ve actually dropped them a few times in the past 15 years with nary a chip. Still, every time I got out my mixer I’d worry about the fact that I had to kind of edge it through a narrow pathway between baskets and coasters and fancy Christmas tablecloths, so I really wanted to clear out that cupboard first, to avoid any breaking dangers.

I dragged everything out of the cupboard and almost everything got rerouted to the charity pile; the fondue pot got sent to our downstairs pantry shelves and the Christmas tablecloths went in the cupboard above the fridge. Left behind were a few coasters and hot plates, some cookie tins, and my beloved mixer.

I must say, I feel really, really good about getting rid of stuff and about having a tidier kitchen.

So Sunday morning, I had to make some granola bars for Captain Jelly Belly’s school snacks this week, as well as chocolate chip cookies for Gal Smiley to bring to school the next day as her birthday treat for the class (apparently a tradition, which we learned about last year — when did that start?).

I opened up my nice tidy cupboard with lots and lots of space and easily took out my mixer.

The bowls slid out of my hand and both smashed into a thousand pieces on the floor.

IT FIGURES.

They haven’t made my model in years so I can’t get any replacement parts, and now the mixer is essentially useless. But you know what? I’m not actually all that upset about it. Ten years ago, I would have cried and demanded that Sir Monkeypants take me out THAT VERY SECOND to get a new one, one as close to exactly like the old one as possible. But it seems I’ve grown up. It’s just a thing. And my joy over having one cupboard, JUST ONE, that is neat and tidy and crap-free overshadows the loss.

I guess I’ve traded sentimentality for organization. I’ve come a long way, baby!

Happy Birthday, Gal Smiley

On By LynnIn TurtleHead

Dear Gal Smiley…

Yesterday you turned four years old. As Maria Von Trapp might say, you’re practically a lady. Out of nowhere, you’ve decided that you actually like girly things, after all. Sure, your favourite clothes are still your brothers’ hand-me-downs, but you also love the little tutu you wear for ballet class and the sparkly necklace you found in an old jewelry box of mine last week. Yesterday you got some Polly Pockets for a birthday present from Princess Charming, and you played with them all afternoon. Dolls! With clothes to change and pretty pink fruit drinks! Then you spent some time playing trains and cars with your brother, too. You’re the best of both worlds.

You’re not a joiner — you prefer one-on-one time to being in a group. You get oddly self-conscious and withdrawn in public situations — although you are very excited to go to your ballet class, you do not actually participate in ballet class. And when you’re mad, or cranky, heaven forbid we try to cheer you up or talk to you or hug you. You want to be LEFT ALONE, you will come out when you are GOOD AND READY, and not one second before, thank you very much. I totally get that about you. I’m exactly the same way when I’m stressed or angry — I just need to be alone to fume for a while, and then get over it. I also don’t like being the centre of attention. We’re on the same wavelength.

In almost every other way, however, you’re a child of your father. You have his same beautiful smile and big brown eyes. You have his generous nature — you do not hesitate to give up a toy to Captain Jelly Belly, if he wants it, or to trade with your friends if they think you have something better. You even let Little Miss Sunshine play with your most beloved stuffed animals. You are kind and empathetic and giving. When I’m sad, you’re the one who will run over to give me a big hug — the best, tightest, most unreserved hug in the world — and tell me that everything is going to be alright. You never seem to want or expect anything in return.

You don’t mind school but you’re one who learns by doing, not by listening, so sometimes school just isn’t active enough for you. You’d rather be outside, learning about caterpillars by holding one in your hand, learning to do a cartwheel on the grass in the backyard, learning about tools by helping your dad repair the swingset. You’re not interested in anyone helping you get dressed, or feeding you, or putting on your shoes — you can do it all yourself. The day you finally manage to buckle your car seat by yourself, I know you will beam with pleasure and pride.

You’re brave enough now to get up in the morning and come into our room to wake us up, even though it’s dark and cold. However, you still like it when someone, anyone — even Little Miss Sunshine — comes with you to the bathroom. I guess you’re just preparing yourself for future restaurant and club outings with your gal pals.

You often tell us that you’re a big girl now, not a baby…but I can tell you like it when I tell you that you’ll always be my baby. You love your Daddy very much and always ask for him to be the one to put you to bed, but I know that in your heart you’re a Mommy-girl. Nothing makes you happier than when we are wearing the same clothes, top to bottom.

I love you, my little big girl. Happy birthday!
Love, Mommy

18 Years And Counting

On By LynnIn TurtleHead4 Comments

I was watching How I Met Your Mother once, and Barney (played by Neil Patrick Harris) was doling out one of his supposedly-silly nuggets of relationship knowledge. He was predicting the eventual demise of Ted and Robin’s relationship and he said:*

“There are only seven known relationship exit points: six hours, four days, three weeks, seven months, a year and a half, 18 years, and life.”

When my parents got divorced, they’d been together exactly 18 years. Later, when her brother got divorced, my mom pointed out the coincidence that he’d also been with his wife for exactly 18 years. She said that she knew of several other couples who had broken up at around the 18 year mark, and said, “There must just be something about that amount of time that leads to trouble.”

When my mother agrees with Barney I take that as a sacred truth.

We just heard that friends-of-friends of ours are getting a divorce, after 18 years of being together. Their story is much like ours — met in university, been together forever, have three small children. We have other friends who are divorced, but they all went through their divorces before we actually met them. This couple is the first in our circle that we’ve known for years to split up. My heart is just broken for them — I have no idea how to help but I know they have a hard road ahead and they are in for some sad times. I just want to give them all a big hug and then magically transport them five years into the future when everything will be settled and done and there will be new routines and a new life and everything will be livable, if not exactly happy.

Also, I just cannot imagine being a single parent to three little kids. My mother was a single parent and every day my respect for her grows. Sure, there were rough times, but she did manage to bring all four (4!) of her daughters to adulthood with almost no help and no time off (we didn’t even go to my dad’s for visitation weekends). I just can’t imagine the stress and pressure involved in doing that job alone.

Last night Sir Monkeypants came home from work early and immediately started playing with the kids and helping to get them ready for bed. After he put Little Miss Sunshine down for the night, he spent an hour with the older two kids playing a new game he invented called, “Remove your socks and throw them at each other.” Later pants and pillows also got involved. The older kids were screaming with laughter and there was just so much fun and joy in the house and I marveled at how incredibly lucky I am to have landed a guy who is such a good father. When we got married, having kids was the last thing on my mind, but now that we have the little ones, I’m amazed and delighted all over again to discover what a great guy Sir Monkeypants is. He’s a fully involved parent, a great caregiver to the kids and someone they adore.

Sure, we have rough times and we argue. But there’s nothing better than a guy who actually races home at the end of the day so he can see his wife and kids. That’s awesome, in every sense of the word.

Sir Monkeypants and I passed our 18 year mark this past spring — six years of dating followed by 12 years of marriage. I’d like to say that we’re safe now, in it for life, but I don’t think I can take that for granted. Anything can happen, and I really don’t feel like I have any magical answers as to what makes for a guaranteed happy marriage.

But we’re really happy, right now, and I couldn’t be more thankful.

* I searched high and low online for this quote, but I couldn’t find it, so my version above is not verbatim. I’m pretty sure about the “18 years, and life” parts, but the other timelines might not be exactly as stated by Barney. If anyone knows/finds the real quote, I’d love to know what it is.

[Edited to add] My adorable husband found the exact quote after about 30 seconds of googling. In fact, he found more than one link to it. Now he’s afraid our children will grow up with poor googling skills. Anyway, you can view the full quote from the show here. I was off on a couple of the exit points originally, but I’ve edited this post to include the correct exit timelines above.

It’s All Coming Back To Me Now

On By LynnIn TurtleHead2 Comments

It’s getting cold up here again, and all of a sudden I’m realizing that I have no idea how to take care of kids in a wintertime setting. Yesterday we were trapped in the house because the Captain and the Gal have a bad chest cold, and they were SO bored, and I was like, duh, what kinds of things do we do inside, again?

Because all summer long our routine has been: go outside; come inside and eat; return to the outdoors; repeat until we collapse from heatstroke. It’s so easy to entertain the kids outside; they always seem to find something interesting to do, and worst case I can just give them a big bucket of water and I won’t hear from them for three hours. Now that we need to find some indoor activities, I’m stumped. You’d think I’d never lived through a winter before. Look, snow! So pretty and soft and white and fluffy! I hope we get more! (Stupid, stupid Lynn.)

So far I’ve come up with PlayDoh. And maybe we could paint? Did we used to do that? Or maybe…baking? Sometimes? That sounds familiar.

Maybe I’ll just get them all an account on Etsy. That seems to fill hours of my time with no problem…should work for them too!

Captain Destructo

On By LynnIn TurtleHead4 Comments

Little Miss Sunshine turned 14 months old the other day (TeethWatch 2008: still at zero). It’s been a while since I had a 14-month-old. I have forgotten what an incredibly physical job it is to take care of a toddler — you’re running around all day and by dinnertime, you’re physically exhausted, like you just ran a marathon. (Well, how I imagine one would feel after running a marathon. It’s not like I would ever do such a crazy thing.)

The Little Miss is much more…shall we say, explorative?…than her older siblings, too. We’ve nicknamed her “Captain Destructo” because anything in the house is fair game for her to touch, pull apart, and attempt to eat. You know, little girl, when we used to joke that you were growing up so big that you were ready to stomp Tokyo…we were ONLY KIDDING.

Yesterday she opened by emptying our snack cabinet — granola bars and fruit snacks and pretzels all over the floor. While I was cleaning that up, she took all the Tupperware out of the the Tupperware drawer, and for good measure, took the tin foil box out of the next drawer up and unrolled it all over the kitchen. While I was putting elastic bands on the drawer handles to lock them shut, she emptied out our DVD cabinet, pulling out all the movies and even opening several containers and pulling out the DVD itself. And while I was putting all that back together, she opened the other cabinet in the TV room and dumped out all the chemicals for cleaning the fish tank.

And while I cleaned up that mess, she toddled down the hall and unrolled half the toilet paper. And while I wound that back up, she came back to the TV room and found a brand new box of baby wipes and pulled them out one at a time until she was surrounded by a sea of wipes. And while I was putting those back in, she took my favourite cookbook off the shelf and ripped out all of the pages.

As I write this, she is opening the DVD player, pulling out the DVD, and throwing it on the ground. One moment please.

She’s obsessed with turning our Nintendo on and off, on and off. She likes to go in the mud room and dump out the bins where we keep mittens and hats. She likes to open the drawer under the stove and put toys inside it. She enjoys taking the pieces of my mixer out of the island cupboard and using them as musical instruments, leaving them strewn behind her in a path of destruction.

I’m spending all day, every day, just trying to keep up with her. By the end of the day, I’m ready to collapse. Worse yet, I’m finding it very hard to steal a few minutes to myself each day. I really count on being able to squeeze some “me” time into my day — maybe replying to an email while the kids are watching TV, or reading a few pages of a book while I’m stirring the spaghetti, or talking on the phone while folding some laundry. But I can’t even do these little things — hell, I can’t even fold the laundry — because while I’m grabbing a few minutes to blog, Little Miss Sunshine is removing her socks and hiding them under the couch cushions, and then emptying the bag of shredded paper for recycling in the office.

One moment please.

Anyway, by the end of the day I’m not only tired, I’m tired of the job, so the dishes go undone and no tidying happens and I don’t do any banking or other chores, I just flake on the couch and read blogs and try to get my head together. Then I get ready for the nighttime, which has been really fun these past few days due to teething (WE HOPE, OR ELSE), school-stress-related nightmares by Gal Smiley, and a terrible chest cold by Captain Jelly Belly.

Little Miss Sunshine! PUT THE REMOTE DOWN!

I think, though, that this is really the worst of it. In a few more months, the Little Miss will be better at quieter things like colouring (which right now, lasts about three minutes and ends when she tries to eat a crayon), watching TV (which currently holds no interest for her), or reading books (which she likes, but is a little too rough with them right now to be trusted). And the next thing I know, she’ll be sitting primly at the table explaining why my glitter glue techniques are not up to snuff.

Until then, though, you can find me flaked out on the couch, attempting to recover from the daily marathon.

Take the A Train

On By LynnIn TurtleHead7 Comments

Here’s a fun meme I got from DramaQueen_23:

Comment on this post and I’ll give you a letter. List ten things you LOVE which begin with that letter, then post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.

She gave me the letter A. Here’s my list:

Autumn This is my favourite time of year. Not so cold that we’re dealing with snowpants; not so hot that we’re swooning like Southern Belles. The bugs are usually closing up shop, the air is crisp and clear, there’s lots of yummy local fruit available and it’s time to break out the crockpot again. Autumn means back to school, Halloween, my birthday, and open season at Etsy as I begin my Christmas shopping. Joy!

Apple Pie My mom’s apple pie, to be precise. I come from a family of pie-makers, and my mom’s apple pie is, seriously, legendary. A while back I decided I better carry on the tradition and become an expert pie maker myself. My first couple of tries were okay — not mom-worthy, but the potential was there and they were definitely edible — but you know what? My family HATES pie. HATES it. So every time I make a pie, I end up eating all of it, which is not conducive to my current weight-loss plan. Thus, pie must remain a Thanksgiving/Christmas treat. Sadly.

Ant Traps, Ant Spray, and all other manner of Ant Killing Devices Have I mentioned our current infestation? It’s spreading. I’m horrified. I really hate bugs of all sorts and having a whole nest of insects somewhere in our house, crawling through our kids’ playroom, stealing our leftover crumbs, is NOT GOOD. We’re currently trying to battle them in the most kid-friendly, environmentally way possible but lately I’ve been thinking of just moving us into a hotel for a few days and having the place fumigated. Or maybe just moving. One or the other.

Almost Famous Cameron Crowe is one of my favourite movie-makers and Almost Famous is his masterpiece. I even love the four-hour director’s cut version — mostly due to the commentary by Cameron and his mom. Mrs. Crowe is totally awesome and hilarious. As you would probably expect.

Allergy Awareness I feel so lucky that we live in a time when the general public knows about food allergies. We still run across the odd misconception but in general, people understand that food allergies are real and that they are serious. There’s plenty of food alternatives available for us to buy (thank GOD for Sunbutter and Rice Dream), and there are thousands of other parents on the internet with tips, ideas, and sympathy. It would be so hard to live with the Captain’s food allergies even 20 or 30 years ago.

Andrew King Lately I’ve become much more interested in owning original art, “real” stuff created by real artists. Someday when I have some extra money I’d love to get something by Andrew King. His work is so vivid and unique and lovely. Plus, Sir Monkeypants doesn’t hate it, which is very big deal around here, as we almost never agree on art. It’ll be quite some time before I have an extra $1000 or so lying around, though, so I’ll probably ask for one of his paintings as a 25 year wedding gift. Or maybe a 50th — we do have three kids to put through university!

Amazon.ca I love books. I love to buy books. Amazon lets me buy books from the comfort of my own home, at better prices than any actual store. It’s win-win-win. Plus, they have the best customer service on the planet.

Jane Austen Some of her more fanatic followers would hardly call me a fan — I’ve only read about half of her books. But I love her wit, her strong female characters, and her fun storylines. Plus, her work makes for great movies, especially those featuring Colin Firth. Dreamy.

Alexandershishkabob A long time ago, when Captain Jelly Belly was little, I used to take him to classes at Gymboree. At the end of class we’d sing a little goodbye song — “Goodbye Aiden, Goodbye Kathryn, Goodbye Ben, we’ll see you here next time!” I used to sing it around the house all the time and often we’d use it as a goodbye-Daddy song in the morning, or a goodnight-Captain song at bedtime. One day Sir Monkeypants was asking how they can possibly adapt the song so that really long kids’ names could fit. I demonstrated with some longer names like Christopher and Isabella, and then Sir Monkeypants said, “But what if the kid was named Alexandershishkabob?? Huh, HUH?” Sir Monkeypants is a bit of a SMARTYPANTS.

Avocados I love, love, love avocados. My favourite way to eat them is just plain, with a dollop of cottage cheese in the little hole in the middle…yum. I also love guacamole, but please, DO NOT damage it by adding cilantro, ew!

Here’s one more reason to love avocados — my recipe for the best salsa ever. Have this with corn chips and you will NEVER EAT ANYTHING ELSE AGAIN. You are warned!

1 1/2 cups grape tomatoes, quartered vertically
1 ripe Haas avocado, diced
1/4 cup finely diced red onion
1/2 tsp minced garlic (I use jarred)
1 tsp honey
2 tablespoons lime juice
1/4 tsp ground cumin
Gently combine all ingredients and then try to keep from eating the whole bowl. Better yet, make a double batch.

Comment below if you’d like your own letter!

Fall TV Preview

On By LynnIn TurtleHead6 Comments

Now that I read quite a few blogs, I’ve learned that there are lots of intelligent, thoughtful, politically-aware, involved people out there. Some of these people are even parents, parents of small children.

Which is why I am quite ashamed to admit that I watch a LOT of TV.

I have excuses. My kids are young, I’m tired a lot, I don’t have the ability to go to rallies on the weekend or to read the newspaper every day. But also, I just really like it. I’ve always been a pop culture junkie, and right now, my primary access to pop culture is the television, so I watch it. A whole bunch.

(Smart, socially-involved people should probably stop reading now, before I die of embarrassment. Especially my friends from Toronto who were just here, who do not even own a TV, but not in the obnoxious, enraging, we’re-better-than-you kind of way, but instead in the super cool, funky, involved kind of way that makes you realize what a better person you’d be if only you got out a little more. Yipes.)

So.

Every year I look forward to the arrival of my Fall TV Preview edition. It details what will be on every night, with reviews and recommendations. I go through it excitedly and decide what I’m going to watch every night.

Then I blog about it, only because FameThrowa says she needs my input so she knows what to record on her PVR, while she is out having a life. Really, it’s all for her!

Here’s my list for this coming season. There are several new shows but you know, I don’t think I have room for them. I’m a very busy lady and I can’t possibly meet any new shows until someone gets cancelled.
Continue reading “Fall TV Preview” →

Sex Ed

On By LynnIn TurtleHead4 Comments

We’re committed to raising our kids with a positive body image, and that means teaching them all the proper names for their parts and talking openly and honestly about bodily functions. They know The Difference Between Boys and Girls. They know that some parts are private, only for them to touch, and that some…ahem…activities are only to be done in their room.

Gal Smiley and Captain Jelly Belly lived through my pregnancy with Little Miss Sunshine, so they know all about babies growing in a mommy’s tummy and the whole idea of childbirth. They know that the doctors at the hospital had to cut my belly open to get the Little Miss out. The other day, Gal Smiley told me that she didn’t want to ever have a baby, because she didn’t want her tummy to be cut open. I hesitated for a minute, then I told her that often, babies come out through their mommy’s vagina. Was that too much information? The Captain was nearby, and both the older kids found this new information to be fantastic, in all senses of the word — magical and unbelievable and so very cool.

So shortly after this conversation, Gal Smiley started asking all kinds of questions about conception. “Mommy, when I was a baby I was in your tummy, but how did I get in there?” This has been going on for a while now and Sir Monkeypants and I really tend to beat around the bush — I think the official story these days is, “We asked the doctor if we could have a baby and she said yes so she put one in there.” I feel kind of uncomfortable fibbing on this front, but at the same time, it’s a fine line between truth and horror. I had absolutely no idea what sex was all about for years, and when I finally found out — from a video we watched in Grade 7 health, GRADE SEVEN, people — I was shocked and astonished and totally grossed out. The man puts his WHAT? WHERE? Ew.

I was so horrified I rushed right home and told FameThrowa the big news, and she was only in Grade 2. She says she had nightmares afterwards and was probably scarred for life. So needless to say, I do not wish to make the same mistake with my four-year-old daughter. But I don’t really want to lie to her, either. Maybe if I break the news now, it won’t be as shocking? Should I? Hm.

In somewhat related news, there are also lots of questions these days, now that I’ve weaned the Little Miss, about a lady’s…ahem…time of the month. During toilet training days I had an open door policy when it came to using the bathroom, but now that I’m back to the world of feminine hygiene products, I’d like a little privacy. I can use “penis” and “vagina” freely in everyday conversation, but the blood thing is just one thing I do not feel comfortable talking about. Unfortunately, I’m finding it hard to go back. The kids are on to me — they’ve seen the supplies — and when I lock the bathroom door, I’m afraid I am freaking them out or worrying them because they think I am sick. I don’t want them to be upset or think that it’s something bad or shameful…but I just don’t feel like explaining, either.

I don’t want my kids to find out about this stuff from kids on the playground at school. On the other hand, I don’t want my kids to be the kids on the playground handing out the information, either. “My mommy says that sex is when a man puts his penis in a lady’s vagina!! GROSS!”

And then I get some very irate phone calls.

And here I thought I’d have at least four or five more years before we were into the birds and the bees. What the hell are we going to talk about when they turn 13?