Today I turn 55, and it’s safe to say the Lynn of just five years ago wouldn’t recognize me now. Life has, to put it mildly, changed.

And it’s so busy! I feel like I’m supposed to be settling in, hunkering down for the incoming winter of my life. But exciting new things keep coming up, and I cannot pass them up, so it’s been a flurry of this and that and the other thing.

For example:

I recently went to Tokyo for two weeks, one for work, and one to travel on my own. It was my first true solo trip and it was amazing. I loved everything – the peace of the temples, the neon lights of the big squares, the unique food, the pretty pretty things you can buy.

But what really impressed me was how safe I felt. Not only because Tokyo is a very safe city, but because I felt confident. I navigated around myself, I went places day and night by myself in all types of weather. I got lost, but never panicked. I have become my own safe space, is what I mean.

My BTS book came out about two weeks ago (in Europe; it’s only available for pre-order here in North America at the moment but will be out soon – info here if you’re looking for it). I’ve been busy doing online giveaways and promotions and reaching out to local businesses to see if they want to partner. Some have been wins, some have been losses. Don’t ask me how sales are going, because I don’t know. But I can tell you this: it’s awesome to be driving this bus myself, to be the one putting myself out there. To have the safe space within my own mind and heart to say, “hey, I wrote this, and it’s pretty good.”

But sometimes a safe space is a literal, physical space. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, because when my youngest moved out in the fall I considered downsizing. But the kids are still coming and going at the moment, and this house is a safe space for them, so it stays for now.

Aside: it’s kind of funny how I kind of thought I’d be able to check “parenting” off a to-do list like it was finished. I’m finding they still need a parent, they still need the safe space of my house and home and heart. We’re moving our relationship into new places, but parenting is still a very active role, which is lovely and touching and tiring and joyous all at once.

Recently I was talking to my youngest daughter, Little Miss Sunshine. (Is it time to give them more adult nicknames? I find I cannot, much as I cannot replace the Christmas stockings I made them as babies that feature things like stuffed animals and toy cars and soccer balls.) She was saying how the hardest thing about being away at university is that there’s no place to cry. As she has a roommate, and has a shared bathroom, there’s no privacy, no place to really feel that emotional safety that lets you fully relax and release the hard feelings.

On my first university work term, I had a place like that and I hadn’t thought about it since we chatted about this. I was nineteen and working in Toronto – The Big City – for the first time and while I had my own room, it was in a shared house with several roommates.

When I needed that safe space feeling, I went to Eaton’s in the Eaton Centre. It was a huge department store at one end of the mall. While the mall was only three floors tall, Eaton’s itself went up higher – I think they had 7 floors – so the upper Eaton’s floors were isolated from the rest of the mall. The very top floor was the toy floor, and in the back corner of the toy floor they had a whole room just for stuffed animals that was separate, you could actually close the door. I used to get myself a snack and bring a book and go to that room, which I thought of as a kind of personal office space. No one was ever on the floor; the dozens of times I went there, I never saw a single other person in that room. It’s a such a pleasant, cozy memory; the safest of spaces for me to hide.

So I understood, and felt for Little Miss Sunshine, and we talked about some potential safe spaces she could find for herself. It’s a life-long process though; finding your safe spaces, your safe people, and most of all, your own safety within yourself.

I think I might be getting there.