I recently had an epiphany.

(Don’t discourage me if this seems obvious. I am a little slow at discovery, sometimes.)

It’s this: all families have their own way of communicating.

Of course, there are things like in-jokes, shared memories, familiar foods, holiday traditions.

But beyond that, there’s a set of rules about what’s allowed, and what’s not, when it comes to interacting with each other, and this is unique.

I had this revelation at my niece’s wedding last spring. Two of my nephews, who are brothers, were roughhousing, shoving each other, dishing out headlocks, pinching arms in boredom while they waited for dinner to be served.

We are very much a no-hitting family and even play-fighting was a big no-no.

But battling with words, now that was allowed. Applauded even, if you could get in a good zinger. Bonus points if it calls back to previous slings and arrows.

So while my nephews were shoving each other, my kids looked on with horror. But moments later, as they bantered back in forth with a serious of sarcastic take-downs, it was my nephews’ turn to look on with huge eyes. The very idea that people who were related to each other talked to each other like that? Unthinkable.

It was maybe the first time I really saw my own nuclear family’s culture as viewed by outsiders, and I realized that the way I feel when I see my nephews pushing and jostling – overwhelmed with the urge to get in there and break it up, followed by a lecture – is exactly how they feel when they see our battles of wits.

Quite the head spinner.

And now I’m thinking: there must be millions of sets of rules like this, one set for each family. How does anyone ever learn to fit into other families? How to you build one of your own with found persons who grew up with an entirely different set of rules?

It’s kind of a miracle, when you think about it.

How does your family communicate?