October was a hard month.
It’s been more than a year now that I’ve been doing the separation dance and we’re still not agreed, which seems like madness. There were some tough meetings and events in October and for the first time this year, I felt it.
The sadness of being The Bad Guy.
I am not one who sees the world in black and white. There are many sides to every story and my own point of view is just that, my side of things, one perspective only.
I’ve always trusted that over time, others will come to see me for who I am, will form their own truths and get to the heart of things. But I am learning that is not always true. Those that shout their own point of view the loudest are often rewarded with the Truth Label.
I have to admit it does all seem convincing. I’ll wear the Bad Guy label if it helps actually move things forward.
I cried a lot in October, alone, in my house, and one thing my World of Greys point of view tells me is that I have my own learning to do, my own growing to do. Maybe I’m not the Bad Guy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some changing to do, as the main character in this life.
One thing I know I don’t do well is share. I don’t share my joys, I don’t share my sadness, even with people I’m closest too. One feels too much like bragging, the other feels like too much of a burden for others to carry.
But I’ve been invited out lately by a few old, dear friends I haven’t connected with in a long time and I’m learning to say yes, yes to coffee, yes to movie nights. I’m daring to trust them with my sadness and to share. To actually admit to it being hard and me being weak, to be vulnerable.
Not gonna lie, it’s quite scary, but I’ve been assured by many online therapy sites that it’s the right way to build a community and move forward. To share my World of Greys with others and stop feeling like the world will only ever see me as the Bad Guy, to quietly spread my own truths.
I am changing, my life is changing, the world is changing, and I feel like the key thing here is to take the wheel and drive it forward in my own way, on a better path, towards a better me.
See you all there.
TurtleHead 
Yes, thanks for this. It was good to see you at the writing event, and one of the best things about seeing you that night was that I knew where you were at. I knew what you were going through because you had allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to share. That is brave, no matter where you are on the greyscale of good guy or bad guy.
“Those that shout their own point of view the loudest are often rewarded with the Truth Label” <- this is so true in so many environments. Work, conflicts, everything. We need to stop, breathe, listen, and appreciate. Quiet voices have rings of truth too, and there is grey to everything. Put your hands on the wheel and on your heart. As for the "online therapy sites", while they may be on to something, I hope you are getting personalized therapy as well to figure out what works best for you because you're an individual, not an online avatar.
Well said, @lvsconsulting: personalized therapy is worlds more effective than the general therapy from Internet sites, even if the latter is a good step forward.
So much to say! Let me break it down, reply by reply….
“It’s been more than a year now that I’ve been doing the separation dance and we’re still not agreed, which seems like madness.” Some people intentionally disagree as an act of aggression or to feel empowered. It’s not always logical. If it feels like it’s getting harder, it might very well be.
“The sadness of being The Bad Guy.” I read this post a few times, and I still don’t get it: why do you think you’re the bad guy? You’re a person who wanted things that were different from what you were getting so you acted on some change. I literally can’t figure out why that’s bad. (Says chronic change gal.) Do you think you’re bad for fighting for what you want and what you believe in? That can’t be it, because that’s not bad. Do you think you’re bad because you split up your marriage? That can’t be it, because a bad marriage is worse than no marriage at all. I’m stumped.
“I’ve always trusted that over time, others will come to see me for who I am, will form their own truths and get to the heart of things.” Nope. People are plagued with cognitive biases and quick labels that make them feel good because they’re lazy. Okay, not *everyone*, but most. If you want people to see you for who I am, you pretty much have to thump them over the head with it. A few times!
“Those that shout their own point of view the loudest are often rewarded with the Truth Label.” Yup, the squeaky wheel always gets the oil. Even people who love you and believe you will still get seduced by the louder voice. This is true for everyone in all cases all of the time.
If you want to know more about why these 2 things happen, I highly recommend learning about cognitive bias. A good resource is The Decision Lab’s easy-to-read explanations: https://thedecisionlab.com/biases
“I have my own learning to do, my own growing to do.” That’s an ongoing thing for all of us. We are only faulty if we stop learning and growing. Do we need to live up to our maximum potential like the world makes us feel like we do? Hell no. But we want to continue being self-aware, which often means at least little tweaks here and there as our situation and environments change. We adapt!
“One thing I know I don’t do well is share. I don’t share my joys, I don’t share my sadness, even with people I’m closest too. One feels too much like bragging, the other feels like too much of a burden for others to carry.” This is a hard one. Your passionate about never making other people feel uncomfortable, which is one your many wonderful qualities. I hope what you’ll find is that people don’t perceive those shares at the extremes you see them. They’re just shares. The people in your life won’t label you or your shares. They’ll just take them in and respond to them accordingly. We don’t judge.
I’m glad to hear you’re reconnecting with some folks! If you put your true self out there, you’ll find the people you want in your life are the people who stick around. You’ll catch the right flies with your own personal honey, and the ones you don’t catch you don’t want anyway. It’ll get easier and easier to be yourself to the point where you don’t have to think too much about what you do or say. You’ll just fit.
Love you!
I once again sit quietly here and all that you say resonates and hits that I so feel you spot. Sigh. The sadness. The loudest always feel like they win the game of he said, she said BS. I chose to remain quietest for my teen. My hope is that she will see the truth eventually on her own so she can navigate her future relationships with much more skill than I have.
Omg was this photo from LA? I’m so glad we went! Thanks for being my favourite enabler. I can’t believe it’s been almost two years. We should definitely get together and have a watch party to commemorate the anniversary.