When we were kids, all of my parents’ friends were “Mister” and “Missus” to us. When I hit adulthood, many of them asked me to start calling them by their first names, but there was no way I could do that. They were “Mr. Smith” and “Mrs. Jones” to me, and always would be.
In university, I met many of my friends’ parents, and they usually introduced themselves by their first names. I couldn’t do that, either, though. It just seemed unnatural. I either called them “Mister and Missus,” or, for a few parental sets that I came to know very well, I’d call them “Mom Williams” or “Dad Goodfellow.” I hope they took it in the spirit of respect that I meant it — the parents of my friends seemed to require some sort of title, and I just coudn’t go any more casual than that.
When we had kids we decided that we’d like them to call our friends by Mister and Missus, too. It was very, very strange, at first, to be referring to people we’ve seen drunk and people we’ve seen stick pennies up their nose as “Mr. Sagan.” However, we felt it was the right thing to do. Both Sir Monkeypants and I liked the idea of our kids respecting their elders — in Sir Monkeypants’ culture, it is especially important. So we forced ourselves to use the new names.
It was harder for our kids to learn, I think; Captain Jelly Belly is well entrenched in the idea now, but Gal Smiley is still getting the hang of it. Still, I think it was worthwhile; we like hearing our kids treat our friends politely, and I think it does help them to listen to other adults.
In fact, I’m so used to it now, that when friends of my kids call me “Lynn,” I find it weird. It’s not like I would correct them or anything, but it just creates an odd moment with my own kids. I can tell they are thinking, “Hm, I don’t get to call my mom Lynn.” And “Why do I have to call her mommy Mrs. Jolie, but she gets to call my mommy Lynn?”
I don’t know why, but when my own kid is screaming, “MOMMY, can I have a juice?” I can handle it so much easier than when a playdate friend screams, “LYNN, can I have a juice?” I don’t know, using my first name seems to put me at a disadvantage somehow. Like, instead of being the one in charge, I’m now just the humble serving wench. Leave your tips on the table.
I can see some reasons why using first names for other adults is just easier. If you’re meeting a bunch of new adults all at once, learning the Mister and Missus versions of their names does seem to be harder for the kids. If it’s a bunch of adults you don’t know yourself — like other parents dropping off their kids at school — maybe you don’t know their last names yourself. And very young kids — less than three — often don’t understand why one person could have more than one name.
Still.
I would say that our use of Mister and Missus puts us in a minority, but we’re definitely sticking with it. They call me Mrs. Turtlehead!
TurtleHead 
I think it’s an excellent plan and I would love for people to start doing that again. I felt exactly the same way when little 5 year olds were calling me by my first name. I always told my daughter to call adults Mister and Missus, too, but most of the adults poo-pooed that and insisted on first names. Sometimes my daughter would compromise and call them Missus Lisa or Mister Bill. Good for you for sticking to your guns!
It’s funny — before you become a parent, you might think about all the “big issues” that being a parent is about, but in some ways those big decisions are easy, and the little ones like this present a bit of a conundrum.
I remember, though, a definite point in my life when I decided that I was an adult and therefore didn’t need to refer to everyone as Mr or Mrs, and I stopped doing that. It felt a little strange, but definitely liberating, and I quickly grew accustomed to it. Running into my high school math teacher in a restaurant, I greeted him as “Jim”, rather than “Mr Smith”. I also dropped the “Aunt” from “Aunt Betsy”, and so on.
Now I’m wondering the same things that you are. I think I see both sides of the argument, and quite honestly I don’t think I know the right answer for me. I’ll have to give it some more thought. Right now, besides us, the authority figures in Mr Excitement’s life are his grandparents (referred to as Grandma and Grandpa), his day care providers (currently all referred to as “Miss X”), and some close friends with kids the same age as ours. In the last case, we’ve collectively decided among the group to have the kids refer to the other parents as “Aunt” or “Uncle” (this was the idea of one of the other parents who felt that this conveyed an element of trust, in the sense that the kids can trust an uncle or an aunt as opposed to a stranger). OTOH we have other friends (who don’t yet have kids) and our kids refer to them by their first names.
I guess sometimes these things evolve organically, and based on the last example I expect we’ll just let our kids refer to adults by their first names. Personally I feel most comfortable with that because I have an intense dislike for needless formality and complication. But I recognize that there are benefits to acknowledgment of formality, so it’s quite possible we’ll change our minds as things progress…
Did Mr. Sagan really stick pennies up his nose? I’ve definitely seen him drunk, but no pennies were involved….I do recall another Mr. (who shall remain nameless), having the ability to stick loonies up his nose….. 🙂
We too like the Mr. and Mrs. I am called all sorts of things by our kids’ friends: Mrs. Krista, Krista, MrsCarlSagan and YoungCarlSagan’sMommy to name a few. I’m comfortable with any variation but it is sometimes confusing to my kids that everyone has a different way of addressing adults.
XUP — I’ll be sure to introduce you to my kids as Ms. XUP :).
CapnPlanet — I agree this is a thorny one — there are arguments both ways. I like the Uncle/Aunt thing — we did that growing up with one particular couple who were very close to my parents. It’s nice and it makes a little family for you in a foreign land :).
MrsCarlSagan — Oh no, as far as I know Mr. Sagan never put pennies up his nose. You know who it was — and actually it was loonies. Most impressive! For some reason it bugs me to be called Lynn, but I don’t mind at all when someone calls me GalSmiley’s Mommy (a favourite phrasing of Gal Smiley’s, I know she still calls you YoungCarlSagan’s Mommy to this day!). A friend of mine from playgroup gets her daughter to call all the other mommys Mommy Lynn or Mommy Andrea…I like that too. It’s just the idea of setting the adults apart somehow that I like.
At daycare, the kids refer to all the adults as Miss Jane and Mister Joe. Among our friends, our kids have many extra Aunts and Uncles, some with kids of their own and some not. I was the same way when I was growing up. I referred to many of my parents’ friends as Aunt Barb and Uncle Tim. I also had a number of adults I referred to by just their first name when I was a kid. I always called my godmother Florence. I absolutely adored her and respected her, so maybe that’s part of the reason why I don’t find it necessarily too familiar when kids refer to me by my first name.
As for my friends’ parents, I call some by their first names and some by Mr or Mrs. It kind of depends on their personalities and how close to them I feel. I know a lot of my friends have trouble calling my parents by their first names because my mom and dad taught them in high school. My parents have told them it’s okay to call them Bob and Gail but they just can’t do it.
To be honest, I’m just not all that big on formality. I feel weird when anyone calls me Mrs. or Ms. LastName. It makes me feel matronly. Basically I’m still suffering from the delusion that I’m not a mom who’s pushing 40. Surely I’m too young to be referred to so formally…
I suspect I’ll still feel that way when I’m pushing 60. Or maybe not…who knows?
Speaking as one who has no kids, but has friends with them…
It makes me feel vaguely immature to be called Mrs. Miker or to refer to Miker as Mr. Miker. I feel like some kind of adult poser. You’d think I’d be over that by my late 30s…but there ya’ go.
As a child I always used Mr and Mrs and really hated when people wanted me to call them “aunt”. That has a very specific meaning and it just plain felt like lying to call someone aunt who wasn’t one. My best friend’s Mom wanted me to call her Lynn but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it when I was a kid.
The most awkward situation for me was probably when my (much older) Sunday School Teacher became a coworker at a job at the mall. She went from being Mrs Patton to being Ann. But her husband remained Mr Patton. That added a whole new dimension of “slight” to calling her Ann (since her husband got Mr and she didn’t). It was just hard.
I think a lot of the current generation of kids don’t have ANY respect for their elders and it’s problematic. Thus, any small stand that we make for respect is a good thing.
By the bye, Turtlehead, your kids are some of the best behaved, most polite little people I’ve know since becoming an adult. Kudos to you on that front.
I haven’t enforced the Mr, Mrs thing on my kids. Although I do refer to D’s teachers by Mme Teacher and Mr Principal. I have noticed the informal nature of having a child use an adults first name, especially since I did not do that as a child. I also notice that some people (not all and I am sure not you) do not stress the importance of respecting other adults. In our house we do stress the importance of respecting our friends and neighbours regardless of how we address them. I think using Mr and Mrs probably helps in that regard since it is a clear delineation between child friend and adult friend.
Bert and I both feel strongly that our kids refer to other adults as Mr. and Mrs. It hasn’t been a problem for them, they learn how to pronounce last names just as they learn first names and when there are problems we let them off the hook with Mr. P or Mrs. M type thing. It surprises me how many people don’t expect their children to refer to adults by Mr. and Mrs. Bert finds it a bit disrespectful, he doesn’t like when our children’s friends call him “Bert” (well his real first name anyway) and has been known to correct them!