Sir Monkeypants: Are we having a tape emergency?

Me [rolling eyes]: Yes, we’re having a TAPE EMERGENCY.

Sir Monkeypants: What kind of tape? Duct, masking, or scotch?

Me [adding the descriptor to the list in ALL CAPS]: SCOTCH.

Sir Monkeypants: So, would you say this is a DEFCON 1 type emergency? Or are we only at DEFCON 2?

Me: Let’s call it DEFCON 2.

Sir Monkeypants: Good GOD, WOMAN! We must get to the Superstore, NOW! LAUNCH THE ALERT 5 AIRCRAFT!

Me: You are VERY FUNNY.

[Later, when I return from the Superstore with a massive club pack of 10 rolls of scotch tape…]

Sir Monkeypants: RETURN TO DEFCON 5. REPEAT: RETURN TO DEFCON 5.