Today was a rough one. I almost quit my job.
It was one of those days when the Little Miss skips her afternoon nap, and so is cranky and fussy and completely demanding of my time all day. Gal Cranky and Captain Fussy Belly were at each other all day long, fighting and shoving and unable to get along at all. We didn’t leave the house all day, due to the threat of thunderstorms and the fact that we just had the yard sprayed with bad stuff, preventing us from even playing outside on the swingset. No one wanted to eat the food I cooked for dinner; no one wanted to colour or PlayDoh; no one wanted to ride bikes in the basement. Everything was BORING.
By the end of the day, we were all pretty much ready to throttle each other.
Late in the afternoon there was some talk of going to the park, and one kid said yes while the other said no, which is just SO typical, and while we were “discussing” it, Gal Smiley had a bit of a meltdown and kicked me in the head. I was pretty pissed about it, let me tell you.
Then, at bedtime, the Captain was playing a game in which he likes to sneak up behind me and tap me on the back, then run away before I can turn around, only for some reason this time, he chose to jab me in the kidneys with a toy hacksaw instead of the customary light tap, and I did NOT take it very well.
I had this epiphany moment where I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing here? Why am I staying at home with them? What is the point?”
It’s definitely the first time I’ve ever thought that since the Captain was born. There have been some bad days — there have been VERY bad days — but I’ve always had the strength to try again, the desire to get up the next morning and have a better day.
Not so, this evening. This evening I’m thinking, “It’s time I got out of here. It’s time I went back to work. I’ve been cooped up too long, they’ve been cooped up too long, and we’re at the point where I’m doing more damage than good.”
I keep thinking about how they begged to go to day camp. How they continue to whine about not being able to go to school.
I keep thinking about how they all like Sir Monkeypants better. Because he has more patience for them now. Because he still has energy and enthusiasm for them. Because he doesn’t freak out and want to abandon them just because he gets kicked in the head or jabbed in the kidneys the odd time.
I keep thinking about how my whole day, every day, is a string of “no” and “don’t” and “stop.” “Stop hitting your sister.” “No, you can’t have more Froot Loops, you have to eat your dinner.” “Don’t you DARE even think about squirting that water gun in here!” “No, I can’t do that with you right now, I’m cooking/changing a diaper/sweeping the floor/trying not to cry.”
When is the “yes” time?
I swear, being a stay at home mom used to be fun. I used to take the kids to new places, we’d do fun and exciting things, there would be so much to talk about at the end of the day. I used to teach them things. I used to play with them. We used to talk about things.
Now I just feel drained most of the time. Like an ineffective disciplinarian who is the most unpopular person in her household.
It just feels so thankless. I’m having trouble believing that I’m doing good here. I’ve lost the faith.
I’m sure I’ll feel better about it in the morning. It’s probably just PMS talking. But for tonight…I’m thinking of quitting this Mom job.
TurtleHead 
Me too.
But I am trying to change. More and more, when I find myself saying no, I try to say yes.
You want to do bubble-blowing in the living room? Yes! But let’s all do it outside. Or how about in the bath tub instead, while I wash your hair?
You want candy for breakfast? Sure! But let’s make it after lunch… and you’ll brush your teeth afterwards.
You want to paint a messy painting, right now? I’d love to help, but how about putting a post-it note on the fridge so we don’t forget to do it on the next rainy day.
You get the picture. It’s about being positive.
The other thing that has ALWAYS WORKED for me is the “five minutes notice” trick. And it’s about the phrasing.
“We’re all going to the park IN FIVE MINUTES, so get what you need, go pee, and let’s all get ready.”
And then, when we’re all played out, I tell them we’re LEAVING IN FIVE MINUTES. Seriously, when I started doing this it cut way down on the difficulties normally associated with coming and going.
Oooo, that andrea has some good ideas. (Of course, what do I know about parenting?)
Anyway, sorry to hear you had a tough day, but I’m hoping that’s just what it was: a tough day. Yes, the kids will like SMP better, but that’s because he gets more of a break (absence makes the heart grow fonder). His life is more balanced, and that gives him more energy to give back to the kids.
There’s nothing wrong with thinking you’d like a break. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend part of your day doing something else, like a part time or full time job. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something that makes you happy, regardless of other people. Because if you’re happy, you’ll have more strength to give to everyone else.
It’s hard to do even something you really love, like taking care of your kids, 24-7. Especially if you’re introverted and the activity involves people.
Think about what change, big or small, might give you a break or bring you some happiness, and go get it. We’ll all be behind your decision!
Lynn — I’ve been where you are. And please believe me when I tell you from a perspective of some 10+ years that you and the kids will ALWAYS look back on these days with particular fondness. There is nothing you can ever do in your life that compares with being with them day in and day out those first few years. I know there’s a lot of fighting and arguing and squabbles and anger and frustration and sheer boredom involved while you’re doing it — but that’s part of family life. It’s not a TV show where things are always warm and fuzzy. It’s good for your kids to see you as a real person, they’ll have much more of a connection to you in the long run than with the Dad they only see for a few hours and only on his best behaviour. I felt like throwing in the towel many, many times, but when I see my daughter suddenly mentions a “remember the time….” thing that happened way back when we were both home together all the time, I know how special those times were. And yes, they look so much rosier from a distance and we both remember all the good stuff and have only fuzzy memories of the not so good stuff. It was totally worth it.TOTALLY. I wouldn’t have given up those 5 years for anything.
Andrea — great ideas, thanks! I especially like the one about putting a post-it on the fridge so the kids know we will do it later on. I’ll try it!
FameThrowa — thanks for your support, it was just what I needed to hear. I think I at least need a better hobby than Etsy! Maybe I’ll start thinking about part-time work.
XUP — so great to hear that it gets better in the future. I think it says a lot, though, about your relationship with your daughter that she remembers mostly the good times. I think in general it’s easy for everyone, kids especially, to just remember the bad stuff. In any case, yesterday was a better day and I’ve managed to get my head back in the game, so to speak, so we’re back on track over here :).
Glad to hear you’re back on track. The back days really do seem bad while you’re in the thick, but they blow over.
XUP makes a great point about kids remembering the good things.
At bedtime I like to ask the girls what their favourite thing was about that particular day. I do it because I want them to dwell on good things as they fall asleep, but in hindsight I have realized it might blot out the bad stuff, like mummy losing her head when someone dumped tomato soup on the dining room rug. 😉
We also have family photos going ’round as a screensaver on one of our computers. It’s funny how effective this can be. Someone is always walking past while a photo goes by, and it almost always causes a “remember we had so much fun doing X” type of moment. It’s served as a pleasant reminder about all the good times we’ve had together.