Well, I’m still here…barely. I felt like I hadn’t posted in forever, and then I checked, and it has only been three days. Three days. That’s how you know you’re addicted!

We finally broke down and called Bell for help — or shall I say, “help.” Their customer service is just so terrible. They’re like the arch nemesis to the superhero that is Amazon. I hate calling them because the technical support line always insults me and makes me feel like a dolt for not resolving the issue by myself, and forcing them to walk away from their coffee break to bitterly walk through a by-the-numbers checklist of potential problems with no enthusiasm and practically no expertise. Grrrr.

I was going to blog about the several calls that Sir Monkeypants and I made to Bell, but that’s just boring. Long story short, we hate them, they don’t like us any better, and they are going to send us a new modem, which may or may not resolve the problem. In the meantime, Sir Monkeypants has written a fun little script that bleeps and records the time whenever the internet goes up or down, so we have stalker-like evidence of just how much Bell sucks. SUCK ON THAT, BELL.

Anyway. So much has happened in the last three days that I’m just going to sum it all up in a massive potluck-style post.

I watched the Olympic opening ceremonies. I never do that, but we had pumped up the kids about the Olympics so much that they wanted to watch something, anything, Olympic related, and that’s all that was covered on Friday. The opening ceremony went on for approximately one million years, which gave me lots and lots of time to think about how much it cost. It was beautiful and dazzling and memorable, don’t get me wrong, but it seems to me that a country that recently had a major earthquake could have found something better to spend that $300 million dollars on. I’m sure I’m one to talk — I’m no model of environmentalism — but I’m trying to get better. It just seems like such a waste to blow that kind of money on flashy lights and hundreds of cheerleaders when people in their own country are starving, or do not have adequate access to sanitation, or have lost their homes in a major disaster.

I watched the finale of So You Think You Can Dance, of course. It was good, although all the dancers seemed really tired so most of the repeated routines didn’t capture the original magic. My real complaint about the finale, however, is that there was only one Mia Michaels routine. I understand they want to feature a variety of choreographers but they could have easily filled two whole hours of just Mia’s work and I would have been happy. It’s funny, in the past two seasons I’ve felt very up-and-down about her — some of her pieces I loved, some I just did not get, some I really hated — but this season, she was just such a genius. Let me remind you: the wedding number for Mark and Chelsie; the bed and roses number for Kherington and Twitch; the “assisted run” number for Katee and Joshua, which was so mind-blowing and lovely; the powerful and strong door routine for Katee and Twitch; and the beautiful, so-moving-I-cried routine for the top-five girls, featuring them as fallen angels. Plus, I just loved loved loved that weird kilts-and-plaids number she did for the show last Wednesday, with the top four. I watched it five times over — once for the general effect, then once more for each dancer. Mia is just so amazing, the way everyone on stage is doing something totally different and yet they are all connected and working together for a single effect. Lovely!

And speaking of SYTYCD, EW has made a list of the top 15 SYTYCD numbers ever, which is SO TOTALLY WRONG, I can’t even blog about it because it would take all day to point out the WRONGNESS of it, but I will begin by mentioning the fact that Katee and Will’s pas-de-deux did not even MAKE THE LIST. AND, there is no Shane Sparks on it at all! Whatever, EW. Consider us broken up for the rest of the day.

I cleaned all the bathrooms. We have cleaners. I’ve admitted it before but it still feels like a dirty little secret. Once a year our cleaners take vacation and I have to clean the bathrooms instead. This morning I did that job and I have a new appreciation for the glory that is my cleaners. Not that I took them for granted before, oh no, but seriously, they clean my bathrooms in half the time with a quarter of the supplies and get them twice as sparkling. Plus, at the end of it I was a sweaty, disgusting mess, totally covered with cleanser and soaking wet to boot, while the cleaners manage to polish the shower stall to perfection, while staying dry and clean themselves. How do they do it? I am amazed. And appreciative.

The Little Miss is a freewalker! It’s official — she’s walking free. Over the past week she’s been experimenting with taking 8-10 steps between me and Sir Monkeypants, and then a couple of days ago, she started pulling herself up on the furniture and letting go, out into the great beyond. Now, sometimes I’ll be standing in the kitchen and I’ll look down and there’s a little person standing there! It’s freaky. And cute. I’m so proud of her.

Oh, and we also turned her car seat around. She’s a freewalker and a frontrider!

Gal Smiley is an unusual child. The other day I took the kids to McDonalds for lunch for a treat (and also because, as Captain Jelly Belly loves to point out, his doctor told us to feed him more high-fat foods so he can gain some weight). I got nuggets and fries for the Captain and the Gal and while the Captain was snarfing his down, Gal Smiley didn’t touch hers at all. She only drank her milk, then she said sadly, “Mommy, next time we come to McDonalds, can I please, please get a salad?” She must get that from her father.

Then today, she had a little fit because I would not let her clean the bathroom for me. She said, “Mommy, when I grow up will I be able to do the vacuuming and clean the bathrooms?” And I said, “All you want, honey, ALL YOU WANT.” I’ll definitely be reminding her of that conversation in about ten years.

In sadder Gal Smiley news, she was touching stuff she shouldn’t have been and she broke my one-of-a-kind Nose Poo Remover, the one that looks like little tongs. Although Sir Monkeypants is a whiz in the world of Crazy Glue and Duct Tape Repair, I’m afraid it’s beyond help. It was probably my most valuable physical possession, and I am sad. I was a very big girl about it, though, and did not get all crazy-yelly Mommy over it, of which I am proud.

Boogies of the world can rest easy, now.

I hate gnats. Is that what they are called? Those little bugs that group around your head like an afro? They LOVE me, and it’s driving me batty and making me very, very cranky. The other day I went for a walk with the kids and one flew up my nose, and then another in my ear, and then one IN MY EYE, and that was IT, we had to come in. Last Thursday I played ultimate and they were so bad, I ate at least five of them. What is their problem? What do they want? They aren’t biting bugs, so I don’t understand why they feel the need to be around me all the time. Am I really that gorgeous? Do I smell that wonderful? This must be what Ken Jennings feels like.

Piss off, gnats!

This concludes this edition of Blog Roundup. Our internet connection will probably continue to be flaky until the new modem arrives, in three or four days. After that, it may improve. So I might be around, or I might be outside battling gnats, or I might be watching Olympics.

(I’ll probably be watching Olympics. That stuff is as addictive as blogging!)