I recently made a vow not to talk about things in this blog that my kids might, someday, find truly embarrassing. After all, they’re entitled to a little privacy, a little dignity.

Today, I’m breaking that promise, because I feel that the internet has the right, no, the NEED, to know that the Captain has been pretty sick this past week. He has DIARRHEA.

(Captain to me last night at bedtime: “Is DIARRHEA runny poop?” Me: “Yes, that’s exactly right.” Him: “They why do they call it DIARRHEA? Why can’t they just say ‘runny poop’?” Me: “Um…because people like to name things? I guess?”)

I took him to the doctor yesterday and because he hasn’t gained any weight this past year and has ongoing digestive issues with no (apparent) new food allergies, she’s going to test him for celiac disease. It’s something something we’ve been wondering about for a while, because the Captain seems to fit with all the symptoms, including the long, long eyelashes. Did you know that thick, long eyelashes is a symptom? Crazy. Anyway, we’re happy about this test as it’ll give us an answer one way or the other and then we can move on to worrying about new things.

Such as: cystic fibrosis. Which I TOTALLY do not believe he has, not for one second. But our doctor wants to test for that, too, JUST IN CASE. She said to me, “Now, DO NOT PANIC, but I will also run a cystic fibrosis test too, JUST IN CASE.” Then she said, “I can tell you are TOTALLY PANICKING.” I like to think I’m pretty cool about all things medical but having your kid tested for cystic fibrosis is a cause for minor panic, I think. But seriously, I really really really doubt he has it. Really.

Because it’s usually the simplest explanation, and so even more likely than celiac’s or THAT OTHER ONE is that he’s picked up some sort of parasitic bug from the playground. I guess in this scenario I’m supposed to be all, Yay, Parasites! But really I’m thinking, EW GROSS.

So when your kid potentially has parasites, that means you are about to be welcomed to the world of poop tests. Yay, Poop Tests! Oh wait…EW GROSS.

This morning we had to get him to poop in a manner in which the poop could be collected, which is strategically difficult, to say the least. Our doctor recommended putting saran wrap on the back part of the toilet to catch the poo. Thank goodness I am married to a genius and Sir Monkeypants came up with the much better plan of using our training potty.

We went poop hunting. And we scored a good catch.

Then I had to scoop the poop into three different receptacles with three different scooping devices and let me just say, today I have proven that I am a GOOD MOM. I believe I earned myself an automatic A+ Mommy day today with my poop scooping.

I did make Sir Monkeypants deliver our brown bag of poop receptacles to the lab, though. I couldn’t face the public humiliation. Plus I didn’t want my car to smell like poop.

We should have the poop test results in a couple of days, and then it’s back to the doctor on Thursday for those other tests for other stuff. You know the ones.

This morning I’m a little mixture of worried about my kid…sad that I can’t make him feel better…and elated that I have battled poop and WON.

And funnily enough, all three situations call for CHOCOLATE. Thank goodness there’s a new bag of Oreos in the house.