Since it’s playoff season in the NFL, we’ve been watching a lot of football around here. I love the game so I’m always up for a good game on TV, and since my beloved Packers are still in the running, I’m emotionally invested as well. Funny story — we were watching the Pack last weekend and I suggested to Captain Jelly Belly that one day I would take him to Wisconsin to see them in person, and he blanched and said, “But I don’t want to wear cheese on my head.” I explained that the cheese hats are not actually made of real cheese, but he doesn’t believe me. I think he thinks they take them off at halftime and take a few bites for a snack, maybe with a little baguette and some mini bottles of wine. Football is so civilized, wot!

Anyway, one of the things I like best about watching football is the amazing variety of names of the players. I’m not a highly social person, but in the past 37 years I’ve met my fair share of people. But in the NFL, it seems, no one ever has a last name I’ve ever heard of before. Know anyone on your street with the last name Favre, Poppinga, Morency, Umenyiora, Tyree, or Toomer? I just find it delightful to turn these names over on my tongue — they’re beautiful and new and exotic. It’s like travelling the world without leaving my living room — my favourite kind of vacation!

It’s not just the last names, either. As I write this, the Pack are playing the NY Giants. The Giants have a key receiver whose name is Plaxico Burress. Plaxico! If I ever met someone named Plaxico, I’d gaze up at him adoringly until he edged away and called 911. Meanwhile, over on Green Bay, there’s a guy named Atari Bigby, which is just so fabulous, you can tell he was meant to be famous. No guys named Atari work down at the local WalMart! Guys named Atari make a cool half-mil a year in the NFL! Also featured in today’s game are super sweet monnikers like Osi, Kawika, Sinorice, Gerris, Gibril, Vernand, Tramon, Orrin, and Ruvell.

I love the way they own it too. It’s like, “Hell yeah, my name is Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila! You know it! You better spell it right on the jersey, too, because I am a 250 pound wall of sheer muscle and I WILL HURT YOU.”

You know how in books or movies the characters use names like “John Smith” or “Bob Jones” when they want to check into hotels anonymously? Because these names are so common they escape notice? The NFL seems to imply that the John Smiths of this world — if there are indeed any out there — will stick out like a sore thumb for their shocking lack of syllables and strings of 4 or more consonants. John Smith? What kind of name is that? Naufahu Tahi, Visanthe Shiancoe, Kenechi Udeze, now those are names!

I’m beginning to feel like we really missed the boat when we named our own kids. Although I suppose “JELLY BELLY” will look pretty awesome on the back of the Captain’s future NFL uniform.