This year on my birthday, I wrote about how I don’t mind being 37, that I’m happy with my life right now, and the number feels right. But I’m having some second thoughts now about aging, and what it all means.
The other day Sir Monkeypants and I were having a casual conversation about me going back to work. We’re both happy with me being at home right now, so it was a very no-pressure kind of talk, but we both think I’ll go back to work someday, and every so often we discuss when that might happen, and what I might do when I get there.
This time, pointed out that if I wait until the Wee One is in Grade One, as is our plan, the year will be 2013.
I’ll be 43 years old.
And I won’t have worked in 12 years.
The last time I had a regular full-time job was in the fall of 2001, when I was a software developer at Nortel. I was laid off from that job along with about half the company when it ran into trouble at the turn of the century. I didn’t take it too personally and I got a great severance package, so I took a few months off to just bum around and finish up our Christmas shopping and decorate our house.
In the new year I started to poke around for a new job and took one working for an old manager of mine, who I had liked very much. The job itself, though, was not a good fit for me, and I was unhappy there. When I had a miscarriage after I’d worked there for only three weeks, a small, irrational part of myself blamed the stress of the new position, and I quit.
(Aside: Public apology to RheostaticsFan, who asked me point blank at this time if this was the reason why I quit, and I denied it. I just was not ready to talk about it all, and I’ve always felt bad about it, but it was what I had to do at the time. I’m sorry, and hope you understand!)
I spent the next few months getting myself back in order, and then in the fall, when I was already pregnant with Captain Jelly Belly, a friend of mine called and said that her small development company was looking for programmers with my skillset. So I went to work there, and then, five weeks later, the company was bought out and they laid off half the employees, so that was the end of that job (but the beginning of another nice severance package).
By that time I was already big and round with the pregnancy, so I had a few job interviews but they did not pan out. They always ended with the interviewer looking pointedly at my big belly and saying, “Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about yourself???” and I’d say, “Um, no,” and they’d be all, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” So that was the end of my working career to date.
And maybe the end of my working career, altogether.
I always kind of thought that I could go back to work whenever I wanted, just throw together a resume and within a week or two, I’d have a few offers. But that forty-three/12 years thing has thrown me for a loop. The software industry changes so quickly, that after 12 years, I’ll have very few skills on my resume that are of interest to employers. Even if I upgrade with a little training…why would you hire a 43 year old with no job experience, when you can hire a new grad at half the cost, and for a longer term investment?
Back in 2001, I had lots of contacts, people who knew me and liked my work, who would hire me in a heartbeat even if I didn’t have the right skillset, because they knew I was a hard worker and a quick learner and a good team player. These days, those kinds of people have moved on and I haven’t kept in touch. These days, I might still be a hard worker but I have to get home at the end of the day to my three kids; I might still be able to learn but not as quick as I used to be. And are these kinds of soft skills enough to win me a job over someone just coming into the workforce as a swinging single 20-something?
I also used to say that this was a great time to try a new career. I was a good developer but it was never something I was passionate about, and this break in my job path seemed like a good time to consider my options. A year or two of retraining, and I could be something new and exciting…a midwife! A radio producer! A journalist! Governor-General of Canada! The world was my oyster.
But again…I’ll be 43. At least. Trying to break into a new field. I remember when I first started working, and if someone on my team was 43, they were totally old school. Set in their ways. Outdated skills. Good for leading, not for making innovative breakthroughs. Not the kind of person you’d give an entry level position to, not the kind of person you’d expect to be happy at the low end of the totem pole, not the kind of person who will hang out with the other interns and newbies at lunchtime and become a happy part of their team.
So is that it for me? I’ve never regretted my decision to stay home with the kids, and I’m not going to rush back to work now. But for the first time, it really feels like I have given something up to stay home, like I have chosen one path, and in doing so, have closed off another path. My mom says all the time that my staying home with the kids is a “waste” of my talent, of my intelligence, of my university degree. I’ve always pooh-poohed that, but now I can see her point. It’s not just that I’m not doing anything with my brains now. It’s that I might not be able to do anything with them ever again.
I’ll always be proudest in my life of being a mom, and it’s a much more fulfilling job than programming ever was. But I guess this is what they mean when they say that parents have to sacrifice for their children. You really can’t have it all.
Like I said, I’m not going to rush back to work in a panic, and I’m still going to stay home for at least a few more years. But maybe it’s time to start thinking about what I really want to do with my life, and what is actually possible. I feel like I need to make some real decisions, make a real plan, and get cracking.
In the meantime, it’s time to make breakfast for the kiddies.
TurtleHead 
Oh god…I feel so bad reading your apology. I’m very very sorry that I put you on the spot all those years ago. It really was none of my business. I’m so glad that we’re friends despite my prying ways!
As an aside, your apology is accepted. You can feel free to lie…or to just tell me to butt out if I ever ask you such an insensitive question again…which I hope I can avoid.
FWIW, I was surprised to see the number of so obviously not-fresh-out-of-college people at Google. People who are clearly older than me. If Google values ability over youth, surely other companies do as well.
Anyway, didn’t you have aspirations of being a writer? Didn’t you just spend a month blogging every day? Whatever happened to that dream? This sounds like the perfect time to explore that, or prepare for it at least.
A friend of mine used to work in the publishing industry. He said they used to pay copy-editors to just work from home. They’d send the manuscripts to their house.
That sounds like something you could do before the kids go to school. Possibly as a stepping-stone to something else…
I didn’t know you did interviews while you were obviously pregnant with CJB — your description of the interviews during that time are hilarious! Good for you for trying, though.
I was really surprised to read about your mom’s reaction to your decision to stay home. My mom has the exact opposite reaction. She prays that I’ll be laid off. She’s always telling me that the greatest regret of her life was not being able to stay home with me and my brother. She’s always (somewhat subtly) pressuring me to quit.
It’s really hard for me when many times I feel that I’d rather be staying home, too. However, there’s a mortgage, and college savings funds, etc. And, on top of that, the work is so low-pressure with extremely regular hours, I can telecommute if I need to, my co-workers and manager are all super nice, they let me work part-time, and I get to keep some work experience on my resume (not great work experience, mind you, I’m pretty far behind leading-edge development). In spite of being continuously employed, I worry that if my company does lay me off, I’ll still find it a challenge to find a new job because my experience is not really with current technology.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you really can’t have it all. However, I do think it will be less daunting to look for work than you think it will be, especially if you think about it ahead of time. Working on your writing skills is a great idea. I’ve been meaning to mention to you that you might want to check out my friend blog. She works with me, but is a published author hoping to be able to write full time some day. She’s also a mom (with grown kids).
Oh, and 60 is apparently the new 40, so logically 40 is the new something-much-younger-than-forty. One of the neat things I’ve learned from is that you’re exactly as young as you think you are.
kind of taps into what I was going to say, you’ll probably have to start with a stepping stone.
Fresh out of university, you can have your pick of jobs. But that isn’t the only way to get to somewhere you’re happy with. For example, and this is just the first thing off the top of my head, say you start working as a bank teller. You’ll know doubt stand out as being overqualified and sharper than your peers, so over time you’d probably get promoted to manager and then maybe even move to some head office. The first few years might be a bit dull, but maybe that’s the best way to get back into the work force anyway, with something super simple, very non-stressful. And yet, it can still be satisfying. Sure, some people need crazy hard mental challenges all day long, but I think you’re like me in that you like challenge but busy work is okay, too, if someone is paying you and they let you surf the web when you want to.
The fact is, you are a quick learner and a team player, and although you might not be able to rely on old contacts, you’ll quickly make new contacts. If you go into a new job knowing that the first year or two will be a stepping stone that will no doubt give you new ideas of what to do with your work life (not necessarily a career, but that’s okay, isn’t it?), it won’t be so bad. Especially when your priorities will no doubt always lie elsewhere.
No worries at all! This is really why we are friends — we both feel bad about what happened! It’s all good and all forgotten :).
I’d love to be a writer, and there’s no way I can give up that dream — pretty much nothing happens in my life without a running, writing commentary in my head that I plan to jot down later on.
But the more I look around on the internet, and the more info I get about the writing world, the more discouraging it is! It’s kind of like being an actor — everyone you meet is either better than you, but working as a waitress anyway, or a total hack, and world famous. Sigh.
I’m definitely going to keep going with the writing. But at the same time I thought I could always “fall back on” programming, or go back to it any time I wanted. I guess I’m just realising that that may not be the case…it’s just not so easy or so obvious.
But the dream lives on, yes :).
That’s a great idea! It’s a nice foot in the door of the industry. I wonder what kind of qualifications you need for that…I’ll check it out. One time I read a novel in which the lead gal was trying out for a copy editor position, and she had to take a test in which she marked up a passage using two different “standard” techniques…something to learn!
That’s fascinating about our moms. My mom quit university to get married and was a stay-at-home mom until I was in high school and I think she always regretted not having a “real” career. Your mom got the career side but didn’t get to stay home. Now both of them think the other one had it better!
I’ll definitely check out your friend’s blog. The writing industry is a daunting place and any tips on how to break into it are most welcome! I think I need to invest in a few books on the topic, as well.
And as for staying young…I kind of agree, in that both and I were saying recently that we totally don’t feel 37. When I was 17, someone who was 37 was SOOOOO old. Now that we’re there, we still feel like we have a lot of living left to do, a lot of stuff left to accomplish, and plus, having young kids really keeps us feeling like life is still new.
So maybe 37 is the new 17? That’s cool!
I definitely would be willing to take an entry level position in a new field, to get things going. I was thinking it would be so cool to be a junior researcher at the CBC (radio), and then work my way up to writer or producer. Ahhh…dream job!
I think that since I have been out of the industry for so long, the idea of winning even an entry level position seems impossible…like, who is going to hire me? How do I even go about it? It all just seems so foreign and scary.
But I’m sure you’re right, I’ll quickly make new contacts and figure it all out. It’s just a matter of getting up the gumption to go for it!