This afternoon I was watching Family Feud on TV while packing for our trip to southern Ontario this weekend. I love to watch game shows and I’m usually pretty good at them, but Family Feud is my Achilles heel. I think it’s because there are no right answers on that show — no one and only thing to know, and know absolutely. I love shows like that, because I can show off all the useless crap I have rattling around in my head, and learn new useless crap to show off at a later date. All I’ve learned from Family Feud is that I am really, really out of touch with the American public.

Take today’s show, for example. Question: Name something that splits. Me: peas, sunflower seeds, peanut shells, hair, spouses. All, I think, excellent answers, none of which made the survey. The number one answer? “Your pants.” No doubt with someone standing nearby saying, “Ha ha!” and pointing in a mocking kind of way.

Here’s another. Question: Name something that a woman wants that starts with the letter B. I thought the obvious number one answer, based on pop culture stereotypes, was “baby,” followed closely by “boyfriend.” They were answers 2 and 3, but no one who was actually playing the game guessed them. The number one answer? “Big boobs/Boob job.” I have to admit, when the player in question suggested it as an answer, I thought she was crazy. No way would “big boobs” make the survey at all, let alone in the top position! Some other answers that made the survey — that I never would have come up with in a million years — were “Bra” (??), “Bracelet,” and “Beauty.” Someone even guessed “BMW.” What about brains? Bliss? Brotherhood? Banana splits? Okay, someone may have actually guessed that last one.

I don’t often think that Canada is too different than America. And maybe the survey, in Canada, would have gone the same way. But I think I can safely say that I am not your average American. Certainly not.