I’ve figured out that I have a real problem accepting free help when it comes to my kids. Twice this week, our next-door-neighbour has dropped by with her two adorable sons, ages 4 and 5. YoungerBro gets along with the Captain famously and they are really good friends. OlderBro is very quiet and never any trouble, and he and Gal Smiley play together really well. So having them over is absolutely no problem, and both times they dropped by, my kids were overjoyed to see them, and I sent my neighbour home for an hour’s peace and quiet while all four kids played over at my place.
My neighbour, Lori, has offered to do the same for me many, many times — she’s always saying, “Just send the kids over after dinner for a half hour! It’s no trouble!” and I know from personal experience that it really is no trouble, because they get along great. But I just can’t seem to take her up on it — not because I am at all worried about my kids, but because it seems like such a huge imposition. Even though Lori assures me that it is actually better to have my kids over, because then her two boys don’t fight with each other at all, I just can’t seem to accept that it really isn’t a problem for her. I have this same issue when it comes to asking friends of ours, even FameThrowa, for babysitting services. This week, MyFriendJen offered to take the Captain to soccer practice with her own son, since I wasn’t feeling up to going out in the heat, but I just couldn’t say yes, because it seemed like such a big deal for her to have to care for the Captain for a couple of hours. I complain all the time about how other friends of ours get out frequently and have a social life, but unless I’m paying for a sitter (and as of yet, we haven’t found a local teenager that we like and trust), it just seems too weird to ask an adult friend to take our kids for an evening for free. I feel so badly imposing on them that I just can’t do it.
I was thinking about this a lot this week when Lori’s boys were over, and what my hang up is. I remember going to visit my older sister (and single mom) when her kids were small, and she was so, so, so happy to have the break that she basically would ignore her kids while we were over, relying on us to play with them/take care of them, and when we got bored or tired with that (we were still self-centred kidless university students), we got a little frustrated, but couldn’t seem to get away from the imposed free babysitting. So I think I’m really sensitive to this issue now, feeling like our own kids are our own responsibility, and no one else’s, and thus, I can’t ask people to give up time in their own busy lives just so I can catch a movie every now and again. Plus, sometimes caring for other people’s kids still seems like a big deal to me — I remember how panicked we were when we found out other parents would just be dropping off their kids, and not staying, at the Captain’s birthday party — so I feel like I can’t ask other people to take on that job for me.
I guess this isn’t really a problem, per se, except that and I really don’t get out very much at all, and getting out more would be a) fun and b) good for us, as a couple. I feel like I’m just waiting for the day when we find a good for-pay babysitter, or else get a regular “trade” in services going with Lori or one of our other friends with kids. So either I need to be more proactive about that, or get over some hang-ups, or something. With the new baby due any day now, I suppose we’ll be housebound for a few months anyway, so it’s no rush…just something that’s been on my mind.
TurtleHead 
Well, I think it’s a big step that you’re recognizing this. Considering that maybe your reluctance to accept help might be caused by something deeply-seeded is not an easy thing to do!
First of all, don’t feel bad about having trouble accepting help. You have very good reasons. That said, I think your life would improve quite a bit if you did take some help. Happy people make the best parents/wives/friends! And I believe you can only be happy if you get a break or rest or something fun every so often.
Here are my specific comments:
First of all, try to put yourself in the other people’s shoes. Think about how much fun it is to do something nice for someone you care about. I’m sure you’d be frustrated if those loved ones never let you helped them, no? Letting someone help you isn’t just about you; it’s also about them. It makes them feel good, too!
get a regular “trade” in services going with Lori
It’s already there! Try the half-hour-after-dinner swap. Once you make it a regular, scheduled thing, you’ll find you’ll adjust/get used to it. This is a great one to start with because it is scheduled and it has a time limit, a short one at that. I say go for it! It’s the perfect way to start.
You might even consider explaining to Jen and Lori that you’re new to the idea of accepting help, and you appreciate their offers and want to start trying to accept them. That way, they’ll be able to help you along and, more importantly, they’ll be patient. When someone constantly refuses help, people eventually stop offering it.
When Drama King and I were expecting the Prince, we told ourselves that once became parents we would eagerly accept our friends offers to babysit. While we’ve managed to accept the offers, it’s not always eager. I have this vague but persistent worry that while DK and I are off enjoying a movie, dinner, what-have-you, our friends are stuck with this big responsibility at our house. Recently DP had a babysitting experience wherein he cried more than noraml. I felt really shitty about that for a couple of days afterward.
In sort of forcing ourselves to accept help, we’ve seen first-hand that our friends actually enjoy spending time with the baby and DP definitely like friendly, new people making a big fuss over him.
We just had our first night out away from MiniMe last night. We went to a wedding and it was great. (We did come home in-between the wedding and reception to feed the child, but it was only an hour total that we were away from the festivities.)
We had bro and sis-in-law look after him, so that was a good intro for us to the world of babysitting, as well, we knew we didn’t have to worry for his safety at all.
Like you said, it goes both ways, it’s an imposition, yes, but you will return the favour.
At first I felt awkward since I’ve been with the child pretty much 24/7 since he’s been born, so I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Next week we are having other friends sit him for a few hours while we go out for dinner BY OURSELVES! I find I need something like this otherwise I’m worried that all I’ll become is a “mommy” and not have anything else in my live (not healthy — I’m not going out at all really; no book clubs, no girls poker night, no nothing).