A few years ago, Sir Monkeypants’ parents downsized to a bungalow, and as a result, got rid of a lot of stuff. We tossed out most of the kid-related things — half-made crafts, old artwork, broken and dried up school supplies. There were a few kids’ books too that we gave away, but at the last minute, Sir Monkeypants rescued this one book from the pile.

The book is called “My Fun With Words Dictionary,” by James Ertel. It’s a book meant to introduce preschoolers to new words — each page has six words on it defined in bright colours with an illustration. It seemed pretty basic at first, so we dumped it into the “give away” pile, but then, while leafing through it, we discovered a wonderful thing: this is, simply, the most hilarious book ever written.

Here’s a random sampling of definitions from the book — keep in mind that this is aimed at people who are like, 4 or 5 years old.

paste – Paste is stuff you use to make one piece of paper stick to another piece of pater. You also use past when you want to paste wallpaper on a wall. Make sure you don’t paste that wallpaper across the door. It will be hard to find out how to get out of the room.

moment – Moment is a strange word. It’s sort of slippery. “I’ll be there in a moment,” says your friend. Nobody knows how long that moment is. It might be ten seconds or ten minutes. Then there is that moment when you win the prize for growing the biggest pumpkin. That is a moment you will remember.

rubber – Rubber is unusual stuff. It can stretch way out and then snap back. It can bend any which way and then come back to its original shape. Rubber is used to make tires, erasers, and toys. Rubber is made from the sap of a rubber tree. A rubber band is not a musical group.

rooster — A rooster is a very noisy chicken. A rooster is a male chicken. Roosters have a habit of yelling, “Cock-a-doodle-doo,” or something like that, when the sun comes up. This habit is very annoying to some people.

Clearly, Mr. Ertel has some serious issues with roosters, not to mention a wickedly dry sense of humour.

The other day I was tidying up and found this book and stuck it on the kids’ bookshelf. Here, I should mention the very important fact that we only have the second volume in the series — letters L-Z. A-K are mysteriously AWOL. Anyway, the Captain found the book and now is totally obsessed with it, and for his bedtime “story,” he now gets to read a few pages of definitions. We can hardly keep a straight face, but we have to try our best, because explaining what is hilarious about this book would take all night, and we’re trying to get CJB into bed. But seriously, it’s entertainment for the masses.

We all love the book so much that yesterday I looked on eBay to see if I could find the first volume. I was shocked to find at least 10 copies for sale — plus you can get several through Amazon.com. The edition we have was published in 1974, but it was reprinted in 1980, and again in 1991, apparently with no edits or updates to the inside text. Crazy!

It will cost us at least $25 US to buy the book and pay to have it shipped to Canada (sadly, we could not find any Canadian sellers). But we’re thinking it over. I can’t imagine what Mr. Ertel has to say about Apples, Dogs, or Invisible.