Apparently, I’m running a singles bar for insects in my backyard.

Previously I wrote sweet pastoral things about the delightful butterflies in our backyard. We also have lots of other bugs, though, good and bad. Spiders, flies, caterpillars, and grasshoppers. Bees, wasps, and plenty of mosquitoes. About five million of those little gnat things that create an afro around your head at dusk. Tons of ladybugs, flying ants, and dragonflies. Maybe this scene is typical for a backyard environment…I must admit I’ve spent a lot of time avoiding the outdoors in the past, but my kids really like the new swingset built for them, so now I’m outside being freaked out by creepy crawlies all the time. Ever since we visited the Insectarium in Montreal a few years ago, and saw cockroaches bigger than my hand and millipedes the size of a broom handle, I’ve had a minor phobia of the ones with legs.

Anyway, a few months ago when they finally put our grass in, the kids and I were outside and we noticed how many ladybugs were flying around. We looked closely at a few and talked about how they are red, and can fly, and are not biting bugs, and I felt like it was a damn shame I wasn’t a grade 4 science teacher, because I was kicking the ass out of learning about nature. Then we followed a few of the ladybugs and they were all congregating in our basement window well. And in the well, where there were maybe 50 ladybugs…it was quite the scene. Ladybugs were paired off, and each pair was flying or jumping together with one on top and one on the bottom, and in each case, the top one was humping in a distinctive manner. I felt kind of like Tom Cruise at the end of Eyes Wide Shut, and feeling like Tom Cruise in any circumstances is Not. Good. I’m guessing a grade 4 science teacher has never had to deal with the birds and the bees while learning about ladybugs.

Luckily my kids didn’t ask too many questions about the ladybug couples, and seemed happy enough just to observe as their innocence slowly ebbed away. But then yesterday, while we were outside swinging, what do we see but several dragonfly couples — one brown, one blue — lurching through the air together. Captain Jelly Belly was a little freaked out because they kept banging into him on the swing, as if they’d drunk a six-pack before taking to the air and no longer spot the swinging child through their beer goggles. I guess it’s pretty hard to maintain a straight flight path while doing 69 at the same time. As the Captain might say…Jesus! Get a room!

So I assume we’ll be hosting MothFest 2006 in a couple of weeks, minimal entry fee with two drink tickets included. Voyeurs and swinging moth singles, sign up now!