Once a woman gives birth, it becomes really hard to have an embarrassing moment. When you’re pregnant with your first, there’s a lot of tension surrounding the birth itself — will I conduct myself with dignity and grace, will I have the privacy I need, will I be able to keep that little gown closed around my privates, yadda yadda. Then the birth day comes, and there you are writhing around in pain on a little cot, and every few minutes some other total stranger is coming in to “check” you, and it’s like, “Hey, you wanna have a peek? No problem! Get on down there! And $10 to whoever is willing to reach in and remove the watermelon caught in my pelvis!”

And afterwards there’s lots of breastfeeding and checkups and various issues surrounding pooping that require you to lose any hangups you have about physical stuff, fast.

So I figured I was pretty immune, but today I took the kids to the pool, and while I was changing, the Captain points to my chest and says, “Those things are pretty big on you.” That was blush worthy.

Then on the ride home, we were listening to (of course) Hi-5, and there’s a song about having friends from outer space. And the Captain asks, “Why does Curtis [the singer] have a friend from penis?” And I explain, “He has a friend from VENUS. VENUS. It’s a planet.” And the captain takes this exciting new knowledge and says, “Mommy, YOU’RE A GIANT PENIS!”

If it had only been outdoors you’d have been able to seen my eye roll from Venus.