Clearly we are raising some sort of freak mutant child in Gal Smiley. The high-fat diet is not taking like I thought it would.

All the baby books you can buy talk about how you should never, ever, ever give your kid junk food, unless you want to be labelled a Really Bad Parent and set your kid up for dibetes, heart disease, and going dateless to the prom. So I thought that once I let Gal Smiley have at it with the chips and the butter and cookies, she’d be lost to actual quality food forever.

But noooo…all she wants to eat is vegetables, rice, and beans. I made fresh white bread in our breadmaker and spread it liberally with butter — practically a dessert! — but no, she wouldn’t touch it. Noodles and carrots with butter on them may as well be poisoned. Doughnuts are good for a bite or two, and then she’s done. She’s rejected Kraft Dinner, hot dogs, and even the ice cream will no longer pass her lips. Soon she’s going to have to give up the title of “kid” — if the other toddlers find out about this, she’ll be out of the club for sure!

So now on one side of the table I have Gal Smiley, sitting with a bagel smeared with butter, a Timbit, and a chocolate milk, eating nothing, and on the other side, we have Captain Jelly Belly, who is fully committed to his chips-and-french-fries-only diet, with some carrots, a plain bagel, and an apple, also eating nothing.

Gaaragh!