For many years I’ve played this game called Who Would You Cast?, wherein I cast famous people to play my friends, relations, and casual acquaintances in the movie they will someday make of my life. A few years ago I admitted my secret obsession to Sir Monkeypants and sometimes we play the game together (he is so totally Kevin Costner, by the way). It’s a lot of fun but it’s dangerous to share your thoughts with your actual friends. They always pressure you for immediate suggestions of who will be playing them, and it’s really hard to find just the perfect casting on the spot. It takes lots of thought to find just the right mix of close-enough looks with close-enough personality, usually hitting in a moment of inspiration, and the skill can’t be used on demand. It’s kind of like being psychic.
Plus, there was this one time I was overly excited at having an evening away from the kids, and I was rather drunk with fatigue, so at a party I told my friend Derek that in a movie about him, he should totally be played by Ray Romano, which trust me is ideal casting, but he wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea. I think we’re okay now but every time we get together I can tell he’s thinking, “Ray Romano? SERIOUSLY?” in the back of his mind.
It’s much harder to cast yourself than your friends. For ages I’ve said that I want Laura Linney to play me. She’s obviously much more gorgeous but she’s sort of a “Hollywoodized” version of me, and I think she’d perfectly capture two of my key qualities — emotional brittleness and a high-strung temperament. When I was in high school and Growing Pains was a hit TV show, many people told me I looked like Tracey Gold, and I can totally see that, but since this will be a major production with serious marketing behind it, I think they need a bigger name. Although, come to think of it, I once wrote an article about how the name “Lynn” is surprisingly common as the name of the heroine in movies-of-the-week, something Tracey has some skill at. What the hell, I’ll let her come in and read for the part.
If they ever make a movie about Young TurtleHead, though, I think the part should go to Tina Majorino, who plays geeky Mac on Veronica Mars. Looks-wise I think she’s the closest Hollywood has to offer, and on VM, she’s just so cool, I think she could capture my inner coolness.
(Look very very closely…it’s there somewhere!)
Who would play you?
TurtleHead 
There’s not much of a competition for the role of me. That would easily go to Tina Fey. I get told that all of the time, especially since I got my new glasses. I’m fine with that. Tina rocks.
I have been compared to David Duchovny (ok it was just once, but beggars can’t be choosers), however I think he’s much too wooden to play me. I would probably go with Jim Carrey, thus guaranteeing that the movie about my life would become an over-hyped, over-budget flop, but at least someone would get a golden globe out of it.