When I was pregnant with Captain Jelly Belly, and I used to quiz each other from time to time, to make sure we’d make good parents. We’d ask each other, “Why is the sky blue?” and “How do they make crayons?” and “Which NFL team is the greatest ever?” — all in anticipation of the day when our kid would want to know all about the world. We imagined ourselves imparting wisdom through a soft-focus lens while our kid nodded and absorbed everything we said.

The Captain is at that stage now, but he never wants to know about the big and interesting questions in life, like we studied. He only ever wants to know about mundane stuff. I used to dream that I’d never have to say “Just because!” when asked “Why?” by my kid, but now I so, so understand. Here’s a typical conversation that I’ve had every morning with Captain Jelly Belly for the past two weeks, as he eats his morning cereal.

CJB: Who is this?
Me: Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
CJB: What are these?
Me: Those are their heads.
CJB: Where are their feet?
Me: They aren’t in this picture.
CJB: Why?
Me: It’s just a picture of their heads.
CJB: Which one is Snap?
Me: This one.
CJB: Which one is Pop?
Me: This one.
CJB: What is the other one again?
Me: Crackle.
CJB: Which one is Crackle?
Me: This one.
CJB: Where are their feet?
Me: It’s just a picture of their heads.
CJB: What is this one named?
Me: Snap.
CJB: Where are his Krispies?
Me: He doesn’t have any, just the other two are holding some. But I’m sure they will all share.
CJB: Where are their feet?
Me: I DON’T KNOW. Breakfast over!

He’s also obsessed with what “kind” everything is. As in:

CJB: I don’t want this.
Me: Just put it down on that chair.
CJB: What kind of chair?
Me: That blue one.
CJB: What kind of blue one?
Me: The small blue chair beside the table.
CJB: What kind of small blue chair beside the table?
Me: JUST PUT IT DOWN.

Or:
CJB: What is this picture of?
Me: A gopher.
CJB: What kind of gopher?
Me: There are no kinds of gophers, it’s just a gopher.
CJB: What kind of gopher?
Me: The brown kind.
CJB: What kind of brown kind?
Me: How about we play trains instead?

Man, if I knew how little of my actual life knowledge the Captain would be interested in, I’d never have bothered to learn how rainbows are formed, or how they make candles, or why the sun shines!