I’ve been wanting to post about this for a while, but I’m embarrassed because it reveals what a nosy neighbour I am. Oh well!
About a year and a half ago, a single mom and her daughter (I’m guessing about 11 or 12) moved in across the street. The daughter is very sporty and plays ringette in the winter and soccer in the summer, and so we dubbed them Soccer Mom and Soccer Daughter. Last summer, and I developed rather warm, protective feelings towards them, even though we’ve never actually talked to them. They’re just so sweet — Soccer Mom is always doing adorable things like playing basketball with her daughter in the driveway, or bringing her daughter and her friends snacks while they ride their bikes up and down the street, or mowing her epic corner-lot lawn all by herself with a crappy push mower while looking fabulous in yoga pants.
So last May, when we spotted Soccer Mom going out on a date, were were highly concerned and suspicious. Who was this guy? Was he good enough for Soccer Mom? Would he be kind to Soccer Daughter? Was he a man of integrity, quality, and good income? They started to date regularly and we noticed that he usually arrived on foot — what kind of guy was this, who didn’t even own a car?
It turned out he was walking over to see Soccer Mom because he also lives across the street from us — we have a corner house, and Soccer Mom lives across from the front of us, and Soccer Boyfriend lives across from the side of us. Holy neighbourhood scandal! Now, we were able to keep tabs on him as well as her. This led to an ongoing commentary, back and forth between Sir Monkeypants and I, and we looked out our windows at night:
Soccer Boyfriend is going over to Soccer Mom’s house with a case of beer!
Soccer Boyfriend is playing basketball in the driveway with Soccer Daughter!
Soccer Boyfriend and Soccer Mom are crossing the street and holding hands! And I think he just patted her bum!
Soccer Boyfriend is mowing Soccer Mom’s lawn!
Soccer Mom is going over to Soccer Boyfriend’s for dinner, and she’s taking her parents!
Soccer Boyfriend just walked over to Soccer Mom’s house, and let himself in without knocking!
Soccer Boyfriend is parking his car in Soccer Mom’s driveway!
And yesterday, there was major, major news. Soccer Boyfriend’s house is up for sale. He’s moved in with Soccer Mom and Soccer Daughter. It’s really nice of them to bring this little saga to a close just in time for us to move. We get our new house tomorrow, and we’re moving next weekend.
Congratulations, Soccer Family! We’ll miss you.
TurtleHead 
mentioned that we’ve never actually spoken to any of the Soccer People and there are a number of assumptions in her story that she didn’t clearly identify. For example we don’t know that it was a case of beer and not some other alternative beverage or that those people were her parents. And we certainly don’t know that they’re moving in together. It could be that she’s dumped him because he beats her and she’s decided to end the cycle of abuse. Or maybe he’s been drafted and is being shipped off to Nunavut for cold weather warfare training. Or maybe he cheated on Soccer Mom with SkankyBlondeWithNewBaby (another of our neighbours). The point is that we don’t really know. But we chose for their story to have a happy ending.
And for those of you thinking we should get lives, let me add that we have children and live in the suburbs; this is what we’re supposed to do. And our relatively normal neighbour who lives next to us and we are on speaking terms with has been having the same running commentary on Soccer Mom’s life completely independently. See, we are normal!
Very funny!
You know you could just talk to Soccer Mom or the Soccer Girl to confirm some of the story but maybe that would ruin it for you.
All I’ve got is two pair of gay guys and a pyromaniac…
There are some older gay guys who have lived down the street and around the corner for quite a while. They are almost 60 years old and so they aren’t very threatening. The two years ago, a house near the old gay guys went up for sale. We were hoping to have a family with a girl JEM’s age move in… BOOM two more gay guys and young-uns too. Somehow I felt like I lock up TheTerminator… silly huh? I’ve never met them and can’t remember seeing them but all the neighbors can’t be wrong can they? So it’s not that I’m a complete homophobe, it’s just that I’d rather have more kids in the area.
The pyromaniac lives down the street. He may have played with matches on his own house a few years ago…story goes that he was a bad apple even back in high-school. This was before we moved into the area so I don’t know the details but the place went up in flames and was re-built care of the insurance policy – or so I heard from a friend of a friend.
Wow, that’s a pretty exciting neighbourhood you live in. It sounds a little bit like “Desperate Housewives”, with all of the carousing that’s going on there.
Our neighbourhood is very tame in comparison. We have a Mexican dance studio down the street that plays really loud Mex music every Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon. It’s actually not that annoying, and if the teenagers are practicing Mexican dancing, then they can’t be vandalizing our property, can they?
There’s a deaf family that lives right across the street, and I can see into their kitchen from our kitchen window. Not that I do that very often :-). I’ve been thinking of learning American Sign Language so I can eavesdrop in on their conversations. They’re probably looking into our kitchen and reading our lips, so it’s all fair.
You forgot to mention…
The friendly but nosy neighbor next door who must be on a first-name basis with the police because she phones them whenever anyone remotely suspicious walks by. She’s always out walking her dog and seems to be up on everything that’s going on in the area.
The scooters, my god, the scooters! We live on a fairly straight section of the street with no speed bumps but very little traffic – perfect for racing those unbelievably noisy gas-powered scooters. Often there are two or three of them at once, pushing those little sewing-machine motors until they’re screaming with pain. They’ve certainly inspired a few not-so-neighborly conversations about how to “eliminate” them without getting caught…
And then there’s our house! The very nice retired couple across the street who bought the house new 40 years or so ago were more than happy to tell us about all of the previous owners of our house – like the ones who apparently ran a greenhouse in the attic/crawlspace (one guess what they were growing…). Apparently there was also a fire at one point. Last Xmas while we were away someone drove across our lawn. It’s also clear to us now after living there for a while that one of the previous owners thought quite highly of their electrician skills, but we beg to differ…
I wonder if any neighborhood is truly so boring. I’ve always believed that if you get to know any person well enough you’ll discover something truly strange and interesting about them. I’m betting it’s the same with neighborhoods.